Move to an apt. as a second home

iowagirl1961 · November 19

Does anyone have experience with splitting time between two places? My dh is at his worst when it’s just the two of us home alone; he struggles with people and place recognition, including not knowing me probably 75% of the time. We live in a rural area on a lake and love our home, but given how difficult it’s becoming to keep him busy and unfrustrated, I am going to have us try living in an apartment in a senior living/continuing care community in the Twin Cities. Lots to do and people to be around that understand dementia. (My dh very much enjoys being around people). Just wondering if anyone has tips on making this transition as successful as possible. I am planning on us still coming to our lake home occasionally.

SDianeL · November 19

I don’t have experience but do have some suggestions on what to consider: change is difficult for people with dementia. Be prepared for lots of questions, confusion and he may say he wants to go home. As the disease progresses and he needs 24/7 care, you will need help. Have a plan for that. Will you hire caregivers or move him into memory care? Does the facility you’re looking at have MC? As the disease progresses into late stages, it will become very difficult to physically move between houses. I think your plan is a good one but may be short term.

jgreen · November 19

Hi, @iowagirl1961

The experience I can share is when my brother and I helped my uncle (now 95) move himself and DW (95 also) into a senior living facility. Uncle had done all the legwork finding the ‘right’ place on his own. DW was very resistant.
What he did was measure the bedroom and living space and take as much furniture from their home to the new apartment - so DW would see familiar pieces. This included figurines that she collected, and artwork/pictures. Also all their scrapbooks of travels, grandkids, etc.
As it turned out, she fell and had to be hospitalized, then to rehab for a month. During one of his visits with her he explained that HE needed help with the household chores while she convalesced, and thought it would be best for HIM that they moved to a smaller home where he could get that help. He also stressed that they would be together no matter where they lived. She acquiesced and they’ve been there almost 2 years now. Last time we spoke on the phone uncle told me that they’ve started calling this their permanent cruise ship vacation with activities, meals, and new friends.

I agree with @SDianeL that your plan sounds temporary with two homes. I don’t know about you but I can barely keep up with my one home and round the clock vigilance with my DH.
I pray that all works out for you.

harshedbuzz · November 19

@iowagirl1961

If you can afford to do this, it could be a terrific idea under certain circumstances. One plus, is that it would allow you to move back to your home in stage 8 if that is your preference.

That said, an independent living unit won't be a massive lifestyle change for you in terms of the care you'll need to provide for your DH aside from perhaps some light housekeeping and optional meal plan. The other piece is that some CCRCs do not accept PWD into their communities even if they allow a person who develops dementia later to age-in-place. Ask about this. Another thought is that sometimes residents who don't have cognitive issues have no desire to include those who do, and you might not find real inclusion in activities.

Given that your DH doesn't know who you are at times, suggests he might be ready for dementia-informed care and activities rather than independent living. It might be a better option to move to a small apartment on the campus yourself and place DH in their MC area. That would give you help with his care and him failure-free activities and allow you to spend as much time together as you like.

FWIW, family moved my aunt with dementia from her lovely oceanfront compound to a nice MCF and she actually improved in a dementia-informed setting. She enjoyed the activities and outings that were planned to make PWD feel successful.

HB

iowagirl1961 · November 19

thank you for the thoughtful replies- this group is the best! My husband is still physically strong and active (he is 73) so we’re just not ready for MC yet. In fact, I chose a sr living community that has a reasonably well equipped fitness room so he can continue to workout on weight machines. If only his cognitive skills could hang in with his physical abilities :(

Move to an apt. as a second home

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