Is sending a letter to mom with the truth a bad idea?

Hwright · November 26

my second post here. I was light on details the first time. Mom has been in MC for about a year after being diagnosed with dementia. I was concerned about cognitive decline but ignoring it. She has had a lifelong distrust of the medical system so had not had regular medical checkups to monitor anything. There is also some undiagnosed psychosis. (Schizophrenia in my unprofessional opinion.).
I am an only child and her only nearby relative but still over an hour away. A sever infection nearing sepsis finally got her to a hospital where I was able to get a dementia diagnosis. She went from living independently driving and walking regularly to MC in a matter of weeks. She drove herself to urgent care with this life threatening infection. Her financial situation meant the only option was a nursing home.
Her recollection of the circumstances are not accurate and she is not interested in believing what I tell her. When she does ask why she is where she is she argues and debates every point.

I’m considering writing her a letter giving her the complete story as I see it. She would read it and understand. She writes letters often and they do reflect her view of the situation. She thinks this is being done to her and sees me as an ally who can help her get free.
She is on a different level from the other residents. She can take care of herself. The staff has told me she could probably do well in an Assisted Living situation, but financially that is not an option.

All the advice I have received is to just agree and be comforting.
Is writing the letter a bad idea? Could it help either of us?

thanks

MissingMom · November 26

As the daughter of a mother that is in MC, explaining may not do you any good. If she is as cognitive as you say, then she will remember everything you wrote and might not see you as an ally anymore. It might make you feel good, but could lead to more issues.
My suggestion would be to write the letter you are wanting to, let all of it out, and at some point read it out loud. Then throw the letter away. Writing it, but not giving it to her, is more cathartic for you and allows you to get it off your chest and mind.
I hope this helps.

SDianeL · November 26

sending her a letter will do no good. 2 rules I learned here: 1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. There is no need to try to get her to understand the truth. She never will. Keep blaming her situation on the doctors.. Have you read the book “The 36 Hour Day”? It really helped me after my DH diagnosis.

H1235 · November 26

My mom is also in a nursing home because she can’t afford assisted living. She is much more capable than most residents. Mom doesn’t understand why she needs to be there and thinks she would be just fine living in her own home. Being unaware of her symptoms and limitations means she could very likely do things that might be dangerous for her. She will sometimes demand an explanation and ask for bank statements, but has been getting better with medication. We often say here that you can’t reason with someone with dementia. Their brain is not working right and trying to convince them of their situation is not going to happen. No amount of logic will work. If she sees you as her ally count yourself lucky. If you try to convince her that could easily change and trust me that’s not good. My suggestion is do not write the letter. Sympathize with her listen to her complain and be there for her. Don’t ruin that trust she has in you.

1676316940835_Notices.pdf

psg712 · November 26

If she doesn't accept or understand verbal explanations, she won't grasp them in written form either. Agree that it might damage her trust in you.

For me, one of the most frustrating aspects of the earlier stages of my mom's dementia was the loss of ability to have a reasoned discussion. Your mom may be sharper than others in her facility, but she is still not able to process some things logically ... especially when it applies to her own situation.

AmandaF · November 26

I’d heed the other commenters’ warnings on this one - back before I knew what I was dealing with, I tried writing to my mom in this way and it just made her super angry with me. She spent a couple months refusing to talk to me and telling people I was a horrible person (all extremely out of character). It did at least make me see that her dementia was worse than I had understood, and that she was truly no longer able to make responsible decisions about her own care - other than that it just caused a lot of stress and upset. Anyway, that’s my experience. Good luck - I know how hard it is to not be able to explain.

Hwright · November 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259216#Comment_259216

thanks. I just downloaded the book.
the opening story about Mrs. Windsor sounded so familiar.

ARIL · November 28

I think that writing the letter might help you, to get your thoughts and feelings out. Sending the letter to her is very unlikely to help her or you. She won’t believe it, and it is likely to create further problems between you. In short, I agree strongly with other commenters on this one.

You say she considers you her ally. This is a huge advantage for both of you. Do what you can to keep that up. It will make it far easier for you to help her.

pamu · November 28

My mother is also in MC and has anosognosia. Like your mother, mine is on a different level than the other residents and can do a lot for herself. If she didn't have exit seeking/wandering and confusion she would have been able to stay at her AL a while longer. She also suffered from mental illness throughout her life which adds an additional layer to the situation. She asks when she's leaving daily and has written cards & letters to other relatives explaining how much she hates it there and she wants to "move" (she also includes confabulations about her health…she claims she has brain cancer, she doesn't). She wants me to read these cards and letters before she sends them. I am named in these letters as a decision maker (the bad guy) so it's another way for her to communicate that she wants to leave and I'm the person to "help" her do so even though she asks me every time I visit. I've learned not to engage when she's upset or discussing her great escape and let her vent. I listen and try to divert the conversation. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I wish I could say that writing her a letter would help clarify and explain but I think it would do more harm than good no matter what stage of dementia she is. Keep coming here for support. It's helped me tremendously.

TBird818 · December 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74688/is-sending-a-letter-to-mom-with-the-truth-a-bad-idea

I’m having the same issues with my dad. To the point where he cut his hand Thursday and tried to hide it because he thought that would be the one thing that keeps him from going home. Even if you did give her a letter it’s likely she wouldn’t believe what you wrote. It’s heartbreaking.

Is sending a letter to mom with the truth a bad idea?

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