So instead of carrying grief…carrying my love?

Thank you for sharing this. I'm really feeling griefy this month. I attended the All Souls Day service and two memorial services. Lots of tears, but I'm glad I went.

Thanks for sharing. I see a man who posts on Facebook who makes the argument to change the way one sees grief, to retrain the brain. His argument is that the brain can be retrained to move from sadness to peace. The posting here reads similar to what he suggests but, as much as I read his posts, I cannot yet see how to do this. I accept that my overwhelming grief comes because of my love for my dear wife. If there had not been great love, there would not be great grief. If my (our) loss came upon us suddenly or over a short duration, perhaps I could see beyond that to the good times and allow those memories to come to the forefront. Unfortunately, for me, the long duration of the constant, bit by bit, loss of my dear wife has overtaken my ability to relish in the good memories. Losing another piece of her every day for years and recognizing those losses, each and every one, has embedded those years so deeply. I still add to the horror of watching her slip away, the incidents, failures, omissions on my part where, looking back, I know I should have done better by her. Many try to tell me "she knows you did your best", "she forgives you". Pleasant comments and I know they are trying to help me but it does not. I don't want to confront them with "and just how do you know she feels that way, did she tell you and forget to tell me". That is what I am missing, the peace of her words to tell me she still loves me and forgives me for all my failures. If there is a life after this one, then perhaps that is what my goal should be for peace. Move into her world now and hear her say she loves me again. I will try a Griefshare meeting in early January to see how it goes. I tried a therapist but find the activities suggested as pretty meaningless for me. I am not used to finding myself in a situation where I cannot plan a path forward. That is what I do, and yet, here I am. lost and alone and floundering.

@howhale - you are not alone! My DH passed in June and I could have written your post above. Not a day goes by that I’m not beating myself up for something I should have, or should not have done, whether it was a decision I made, an angry word, some impatience, not spending every single moment I could with him or even thinking bad thoughts, it’s all swimming around in my brain. Nights are the hardest…days I can distract myself with chores, etc. But when I come home to a dark, silent home (and TV or other white noise really doesn’t help my cause), I start to ruminate. It’s really not good. I do see a therapist, she has not given me exercises or any set path on how to approach my grief. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. It’s more of a venting session which I am still finding helpful. I hope one day to be able to move forward dealing with this in a better way but until then, I am also trying multiple grief support groups, both virtual, and I finally found one in person that I think might actually be promising. Your prayer is the same as mine: to hear his voice say he forgives me. Until then, I’m flailing as well. I hope that time will smooth some of the pain, I can’t see how this is going to ever resolve itself. Hang in there and know that there are others here who absolutely understand. Sending hugs…