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H1235 · November 29

Mom moved to a nursing home about 4 months ago. She is doing very well. Her memory is not bad and she can carry on what feels like a very normal conversation. Her move to the nursing home was a disaster (my brother thought she should decide what to bring). She has mentioned several times that she has things she wants from her house. Because the move was so crazy it wouldn’t surprise me if some things were missed. I was going to her house to pick up some Christmas things for her so I figured I would ask about the list. Unlike my brother I feel like I am grounded in reality, so I expected half the things on her list were going to make no sense. She refused to give me the actual list and insisted she read it off so I could write everything down myself. I wrote everything down without questioning her. I planned to claim “I couldn’t find” the things she really didn’t need. The list was very long. I was shocked to find there were only a couple of things that made any sense. It was hard. I guess I’m not as in touch and aware as I thought. She wanted her iron, 2 yards of pink material from the back bedroom, her hearing aids (hasn’t used in years), all her sewing patterns (no exaggeration there are 100’s), craft beads, embroidery floss…. My brother was clearly irritated and questioned her about why she would need one of the items. She smiles and tells him she needs it for the quilt she is making. He rolls his eyes and gives a big huff (same brother who thought she could pack for the move herself). Mom then turns to me and shooting me daggers and asks if I am even bothering to write this stuff down. I just can win. My brother argues with her and she gets snippy with me. My plan to say I couldn’t find a few of the strange/unnecessary items is not going to be nearly as convincing when it’s darn near the whole list. To top it off my brother brought her a foot tall real potted tree with lights. It’s a nice size for her, but I would be shocked if it’s not a fire code problem. I expect a call eventually. What a day. No real question just needed to vent. I know this is really nothing compared to what some of you are dealing with. Thanks for being here.

psg712 · November 29

That sounds like a nightmare. Even more complicated when there are siblings who arent on the same page. Hope you can take a breath and a break sometime soon.

ARIL · November 29

Oh, wow, I am sorry that this list-making exercise backfired so badly, and that your brother persists in bringing trouble. Venting is always welcome—and regularly needed for us all. Argh.

SDianeL · November 30

Oh no! Maybe you need a bigger fib?? What a predicament. Sorry. 💜

sandwichone123 · November 30

She may not remember specific items were on the list when you go back. I think you're fine with bringing a few and saying you couldn't find the rest without enumerating all the items. If you feel the need to show her the list, you might make one that's a little confused.

H1235 · November 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259539#Comment_259539

She would not give me her actual list. She still has it. She read it off to me so I could write it all down. I will definitely not bring any of the items up in conversation. I will wait for her to ask about specific things. I may try telling her “I didn’t have that on my list”. Knowing her she may even get out her original list and tick through all the things I didn’t bring her, to emphasize what a horrible daughter I am. I have a feeling she will be sore about this for a while, probably til she has progressed to a point that her memory is more affected.

Quilting brings calm · December 1

tell her you lost your list and you brought what you could remember

H1235 · December 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259571#Comment_259571

Good idea! I think I get so stressed I make things harder than they need to be. Thank you so much!

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