How to have patience and not start resenting your spouse.

Big Papa2760 · October 19

Hi: My DW has had VD for 3 years and I'm the sole care giver. It's 24/7 year-round. Today she woke me screaming to come wipe her bottom. Yes, I have had to do many times, but to get woke up out of a deep sleep to her screaming clean my bottom. I almost lost my temper; how does someone not get up start resenting your spouse. Please help even if it's just to say you understand and I'm not alone.

RetiredTeacher · October 19

I do understand. My husband has VD also and it is very frustrating dealing with him, his changed personality and limitations 24/7. We don't have those bathroom issues yet but he is up and down many times during the night and now has nightmares. It is annoying not to get decent, uninterrupted sleep and have no time for myself. I do get very frustrated and annoyed but as many have said here, it's not our spouses fault, it's the disease. It stinks, it isn't fair and I am annoyed, frustrated and heartbroken that thos disease now rules our lives. I try to remind myself it's not his fault, he has no control over it and I'm sure he would hate it if he understood what was happening to him. We offer support, we understand and hope you find support from this wonderful group.

Biggles · October 19

Hello BigPappa you are definitely not alone. I hate this thing and I understand, I’m hearing you loud and clear. I’m just about to get a hand held shower rose installed for that particular cleaning purpose, I considered a bidet but thought it would be too complicated for my DH and even more work for me. I’m woken every morning not with shouting just come on get up and it’s probably 5.30 in the morning. And then it’s on with another day. Thinking of you; you are not alone.

annie51 · October 19

I am the sole caregiver for my DH with AD. I understand - it’s so very hard to suppress your emotions day in and day out. I know the feeling of waking up from a deep sleep and it’s disturbing. This is not intended to minimize your experience, especially at night, but my DH refused to let me wipe his bottom 4 times out of 5, even when he REALLY needed it. He also wouldn’t shower. So I was in constant worry about cleanliness and infections. So maybe there’s one positive note that she asks you to do it. Allow yourself to get frustrated and lose your patience once in a while - you’re only human.

Big Papa2760 · October 20

Thanks everyone, sometimes it is just too much. But I know I can always come here and vent.

trottingalong · October 20

Vent away. It’s being awakened out of a dead sleep that makes the tone in my voice sometimes escalate the issue. My DH recently had a catheter inserted that he needs to have for 30 days. He wakes me up in the middle of the night saying he’s in pain and doesn’t know what’s going on. It can take me anywhere from 15 - 90 minutes to convince him all is ok.

Karen711 · October 20

Sending Hugs!!!

SpiralStylz · October 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74390/how-to-have-patience-and-not-start-resenting-your-spouse

I’m so new to this I have the same question as I see this failing within myself. I’m so sorry for what you are feeling

SDianeL · October 21

you might want to get a bed alarm so you will know when she gets up so you can get up and help her rather than her screaming and waking you up. Toileting is going to be a difficult thing soon. Hang in there. You’re human. She doesn’t remember you being short with her. Hugs.

tboard · October 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74390/how-to-have-patience-and-not-start-resenting-your-spouse

Also caring for a suppose wait VD and Alzheimer's. It has been two years. I am the sole caregiver. The kids come by once a week or so and I get to leave the house alone. He often needs help due to making a mess in the bathroom. I get him in the shower and hose him down. What's not to resent? I ain't no saint .

Dio · October 21

Sending hugs…we've been there, too. Battling resentment is one of the hardest to deal with, up there with guilt, anger and self-pity. There were so many times I wished I had the nerve to just walk away for good, run for the hills, or find a hole to burrow myself. But I suppose our upbringing and the person that we are wouldn't allow it. So here we are, bravely facing the monumental task of caregiving, watching our LO's demise, bearing the emotional/mental abuse, while coping with our mixed emotions. Sending you more hugs…

wose · October 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/256583#Comment_256583

You nailed it💕💜

Jeannie41 · December 2

I am just at the beginning of a long journey and already can relate to the posts concerning the difficulty of feeling resentment towards my partner. I pray a lot!

M5M · December 3

re: toileting in general. The bidet is very helpful. . My DH has severe macular degeneration and spatial impairment. He can’t operate any remote, TV or bidet. I go with him to the toilet, or realize that’s where he is, and I go to operate the bidet. He was absolutely against it for years, but I finally insisted. The first time he realized how it worked, he was amazed, and now knows it is part of the routine.

tboard · December 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74390/how-to-have-patience-and-not-start-resenting-your-spouse

I feel your pain. I would love to sleep in just once or go to bed early but my spouse has vascular dementia and Alzhiemer's. Pee and Poop can happen at any time. We just need to remind ourselves that what our spouses are going through is worse than what we are going through and they need our help. Yes this sucks. I'll never get to retire or do the things I thought I would be doing at this stage in my life. I find something to be thankful for every day. Today I am most thankful for my washing machine and also thankful for the food I bought yesterday.

Russinator · December 3

((HUGS))

How to have patience and not start resenting your spouse.

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