Am I a bad person
I wake up every morning and pray that God gives me the strength and patience to get through another day of caring for my DW. She is in late stage 5/ early stage 6 and we have been on this journey a little over 3 years. Lately she has just cried every day wanting to go home and asking for her deceased parents and saying she is sad. We have tried Serequol , Zoloft and now on Prozac. I have also tried CBD gummies. Nothing seems to ease her anxiety. This afternoon I just broke down crying and asking God to take my DW so her pain will go away. After I calmed down, I thought to myself what a bad person I am to even think this. I feel like I’ve let her down and don’t know what to do.
Comments
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you are not a bad person at all for thinking this. My mother has been in an advanced stage of dementia for the past 10 years. she is 94. every day is a living nightmare at my home and I hope the same thing that you do.
8 -
So not bad by my thinking.
When my husband died I fell apart immediately then felt an enormous sense of relief.
9 -
I am not a religious person but I also ask a higher being nearly every day to give me strength to go on, to give me patience, understanding and kindness and love, to help me get through this awful journey. I also talk to my doctor and my psychologist about the end of life and how to cope. It’s so very hard, I hear how very caring you are, your DW is so lucky to have you by her side. In a way we are privileged to have the responsibility of our LO but none of us asked for this nor have we been trained for the job we all just do our best. Take care.
6 -
I pray that God will give me the strength and courage to get through each day. And many days I ask God how much longer this will go on, I ask for the end to come. My husband talks about calling his mama to pick him up and take him home. I don't know how to respond. The aphasia is exhausting, trying to understand what he's saying. The falls, having to call Hospice first and then call for a non-emergency lift assist; the incontinence and diaper changes. This isn't living. It's a miserable existence, for both of us. So, yes, I do ask God for the end to come.
10 -
you are not a bad person. You are human. We want our loved ones to stay but we pray for their suffering to end. Hugs. 💜
5 -
When my husband died a few days ago, I was grateful that he had a peaceful death and that he was spared further pain. His death was a sad thing. It was a big thing. I will always miss him. But his death was not a bad thing. It was a release for him.
14 -
My DW has been in Stage 7f for about a year. She is minimally conscious and I am told that her cognition at this point consists mainly of core brain stem functions, her only obvious action is a primitive feeding response. She makes no other movements or responses to any outside activity. Her arms, legs, and even her face are contorted by severe muscle contractions. She is 5’-7” and weighs 72 pounds.
How is it possible NOT to want her misery to end. Not to want our own pain at seeing her like this to end. There is no possibility of our LO’s condition improving. I feel that after a certain advanced stage, when their quality of life is gone, wanting to see the end is wishing her a great mercy, not a failure or something to be ashamed of.
16 -
Sometimes, misery loves company.
If it helps, I have spent ten years taking care of my wife (stage 6 vascular dementia), with no end in sight. I spent my entire 50s, which should be one of the best decades for a guy, shackled by caregiving duties.
Yes, it sucks, and there is no nice way to say it. You are not a bad person; you are a rock star, and I wish you continued strength.
Love Bill_2001
9 -
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON!! My DH is in early to mid stage 5 and we also have been in this for about 3 years. I still work full time and have cameras in the house so I can keep an eye on him when I'm working. There are days I feel just like you. You are doing the best you can with the hand you were dealt. Prayers and God Bless you both.
Delinda
3 -
No, your DW is suffering. She is lost inside a maze and is lost and afraid. You are a caretaker who is overwhelmed, who cares for and about a broken person. If I were God, I'd be chalking up stars for your crown.
5 -
You are not a bad person. You love your wife and you essentially prayed to end her suffering.
5 -
You are not a bad person for wanting your wife’s pain and suffering to end. To me, it’s compassion.
4 -
This cruel, life stealing disease that goes on an on is the bad thing here. We caregivers are not bad to want our LO’s and our own suffering to end. Your own instinct for survival can make you want to flee but you cannot. So, you stay, you care for your LO, you survive and you suffer.
One thing I have added to my Living Will is that if I have dementia and cannot feed myself, do not feed me. I have declined any type of feeding tube for any reason long ago. But I added this specific addendum after realizing that dementia that goes as far as losing the ability to feed myself is my red line . It is the time I have chosen to let nature takes its course.
6 -
Oh no. Not a bad person at all. That is a supportive prayer for your dear wife. I pray for the end of my DWs suffering too.
I remember watching a documentary a couple of decades ago about assisted suicide as it was just getting talked about being legal in Oregon, I think. When I listened back then to the pain of cancer patients and families with people with dementia or other no recovery type illnesses that cause great pain, I just wept and wept and wept and then thought; we're kinder to our animals.
Not that I think I could ever do it or anything or want to get into the whole moral discussion of it. But, that the people we love suffer so much on their way toward their end wrecks me every time.
You, like the rest of us blackspary, are care warriors. We get up every morning and get back in the fight to try our best to help that journey to the other side better for the ones we love. Even when there's so little we can do, I hold onto her hearing my gentle voice as I shift her or hand her food, hoping that it's a comfort somewhere in there for her.
It's the most difficult privilege I've ever been given.
4
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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