Hubby in memory care the nurse?
hubby in MC one month and 12 days. His reasoning skills are impaired. He cannot understand he can come home sometimes but has to go back there. Today he cried about going home and I cried too. I just couldn’t stand seeing him this way. One of the nurses or maybe she’s an aide said he’s cries all the time. That I should listen to my heart. Then says don’t tell anyone I told you this ??? So am I to believe that the staff there is lying to me saying he’s ok when I’m not there when really he’s upset. What do I do about this. There’s no way he can come back home. Was the nurse trying to tell me I should take him home. I would love him too but it’s too much for me. I wish he could understand as I would love to take him out. Please your thoughts. On top of all this our cat passed away. I’m in so much heartache.
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@Katcat, she told you that as information only. She fears getting in trouble because if her supervisor knew she told you that, whether it is truthful or not, it may cause you to remove him from the facility. Do not believe she is sending you some cryptic message about abuse. She isn't!
My pwd cries daily and she is in an independent living facility. Dementia can cause depression. It sounds like your hubby could benefit from an anti-depressant.
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No I didn’t think anything about abuse at all. She was trying to say i should take him out because she said listen to your heart. And that’s wrong. I have to listen to my head. Anyway psychiatrist saw him yesterday and he isn’t depressed. She’s prescribing namenda and if that doesn’t help something else. Can’t remember what. Thx for your input.
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((HUGS))
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I wonder if bringing him home is a regular reminder of what he is missing. As you said he can’t understand why it is just a visit. This mist be confusing. Not that he needs to see his home to miss it, but still, out of sight out of mind might help. Routine is so important for a person with dementia. Even though he doesn’t want to go back to mc could it be that these visits are too confusing for him. He may see things/projects in the home he thinks he needs to work on(but can’t). Things as simple as the bathroom floor plans, the tv remote works differently and lunch choices could all make him frazzled and confused. I know that for many with dementia there is a constant desire to go home. Some even say they want to go home while sitting in their home. Have you talked with his doctor? Maybe he needs medication for anxiety (or an increase). I don’t really know what to think of the aides comment. If he is actually crying often, then all the more reason to talk with the doctor.
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My husband in MC cried a lot at times. It was heartbreaking. He said he couldn't help it. I talked with his Dr. and Lexapro was prescribed. It helped immensely. At the time he was also taking a low dose of seroquel and Ativan.
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I think you should stop the home visits. The change in routine is upsetting him. In addition, my mom cried a lot in stage 4. It took a few tries to get the right combination of medications. Sertraline and mirtrazipine worked for her. Xanax as needed as she progressed.
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thx. Yes he will be getting meds. I’m hoping he can eventually be able to go home for visits. Time will tell.
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Can you please tell me what kind of medication these are? I’m going to recommend these to the doctor. Thx
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There are no home visits. He has not been home at all.
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Six weeks is still early times. Many nursing assistants come from cultures where they can't imagine putting an elder into a group care setting. I think once you get his medications straightened out you may find things improve, but it's possible that you can't make him happy. You can provide him with good care and keep him safe, but happiness may not be one of the available options.
When my dh was first in memory care, I would stay until he started complaining and then leave. It seemed to help.
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good advice. After I read to him which he likes I’m going to leave.
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As others have said, listen to your logical side of the brain, not the emotional side. Seriously, none of us who have placed our LO in memory care facility enjoyed it. Everyday we deal with guilt and the impulse to bring our LO home. Just remember why you placed him in the first place. I force myself to review my journal constantly to remind me of my decision. Because my DH has been functioning really well, a staff actually told him he didn't belong there. I was livid. Of course, she denied it but secretly apologized to my husband that she shouldn't have said that. As the roller coaster ride continues…
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There are so many different medications out there. My mom takes Amitriptyline, she was on Wellbutrin for a while, I know many have mentioned seroquel. Some are stronger than others and there are different side effects as well. It can be tricky to find the right one and the right dose. They usually start this medication at a low dose then increase the dose if needed, then increase again if that is not enough. Unfortunately it may take a week or more to take effect. It’s not a quick fix.
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Even if it takes a week or so I’d be happy to see it working. I have meeting tomorrow to see what we can do. I feel like he’s going to pass of a broken heart. 💔 thx for your input.
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thx much. Yes I have been going over what it was like when he was home. I didn’t expect visiting him to be so sad. Thx
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Thank you. This post has been very helpful to me.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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