Xmas

ronda b · December 3

Every year we celebrate xmas here. There is 13 people. My Dh didn't do well at Thanksgiving here,there was about 20. So i really don't know what to do. I want to spend xmas with my kids but Thanksgiving was stressful. He was agitated and hateful. I tried keeping him distracted and a place for him to get away,did not work. Trying to figure out what to do.

Bill_2001 · December 3

Hi Ronda b,

I understand. This topic does not come up enough — the stress we endure due to calendar obligations. I love holidays very much, and Christmas was my Mom's favorite time of year. But with my wife's dementia, holidays and get-togethers are SO STRESSFUL. You are not alone in trying to figure out what to do.

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can share what I do. I am ten years into caregiving, and I have NO PROBLEM telling people "I am sorry, but my wife is not up to [whatever] tomorrow. We will not be there. You are always welcome to come here for a short visit, and it would be great if you could bring us some dinner."

Trust me, it gets easier to opt out after a while. Family and friends have absolutely no clue what we go through just to get our loved one up, clean, and dressed for the day. Let alone going out to a stressful, loud get-together where everyone collectively ignores us and our suffering.

We are here for you Ronda b. Stop by often and share.

Love Bill_2001

Lilydaisy · December 3

Only you can make the decision, but you could ask the children what they think after Thanksgiving's problem. And you could create an "exit strategy" for the family if you do it and things become uncomfortable. One never knows when the "last Christmas" will be. Best wishes with your quandary.

Timmyd · 12:48AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74743/xmas

Given how Thanksgiving went, looking back do you think it was worth it and is there something you would do differently if you were to do it again? Have you spoken to the family members who were at Thanksgiving about how they viewed the situation?

One idea is to tell your family it is going to be a shorter visit than usual this year and just schedule for as much time as you think you can handle. If things are going well, people are always welcome to stay longer.

jfkoc · 12:50AM

I would not ask the children but I do like the idea of scaling back and letting them know that the festivities may be cut short.

More than one holiday was passed over here. Looking back, it really did not matter.

H1235 · 1:45AM

Could you put your husband in a different room with a favorite tv show, then have family members go in to visit with him throughout the day, just a couple at a time? This was suggested a a dementia workshop I once attended. The holidays can be a lot of work! If you are the hostess making all the food and taking care of everyone, maybe it’s time for something different. Ask everyone to bring a dish to pass and serve cold cuts or pizza or skip the food altogether. This might give you more time to monitor your husbands situation and still allow everyone to be together. I hope you can find a solution.

trottingalong · 1:56AM

Spending holidays with my kids and grandkids has not happened in two years now. I miss them horribly. My husband would not be able to handle the company here and there is no way he could travel 7 hours in a car to see them. The last thanksgiving we all got together was so stressful for me. Since it sounds like your children are closer you may have a few options. Good luck

Quilting brings calm · 2:35AM

Would it be possible for you to visit the 13 on a day before /after Christmas? A day when you could find someone to stay with your spouse at your home for a few hours while you go visit? No it won’t be the same, but it may be time for the 13 to develop their own Christmas Eve/Day traditions.

tonyac2 · 2:56AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/259810#Comment_259810

Although my DH is still with me at home, I feel like we had our last Christmas three years ago. :( Holidays, birthdays hold zero meaning to him. It’s like the Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day around here. Every day is the same. My sister wanted to come up for Thanksgiving and bring seven people and I told her no, DH would not be able to tolerate that. People, especially family don’t seem to understand a lot of things about what it takes to care for a PWD.

SDianeL · 4:19AM

was your husband like that the entire time at Thanksgiving? How long did they stay? Does he do better in the mornings? Could you have breakfast together and give gifts for them to take home right after? If he was agitated all day I would not host Christmas. Do you have someone who can stay with him for a few hours so you could visit the kids? The last Christmas we had with family did not go well. So sorry.

Biggles · 4:54AM

Bill has nailed it, calendar celebrations are so stressful. All of our old social ‘friends’ have fallen by the wayside. We no longer fitted in, I think it made their life too uncomfortable and that includes extended family. We now keep in touch by phone which is fine I say NO to milestone birthdays, graduations and christenings. However I have worked on having a group of people around us that are accepting, respectful and fun. I am very careful about where we go and what we do socially and I have found a casual approach and an outside venue is the best. Food can be dropped and sound is dispersed into the open. If it doesn’t work we can leave without any fuss or being missed.

We are having an outside evening Christmas BBQ on Christmas Day. At our place so I can be in control of time, music volume and my DH can disappear and lie down if he wants to. More physical work for me but more comfort (I hope) for my DH. NO is a good word and “sorry but it doesn’t suit this year” is also good.

Xmas

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