Hurt Feelings

trottingalong · December 6

A bit of background. I’m 69, my DH is 81. We have been together 35 years. I was a widow with two young daughters. He was divorced with no children. He raised my girls and they love him. We have 3 grandchildren. About 6 years ago we did a living trust with both girls splitting whatever we have. Last night, out of the blue, DH says what about his family, maybe they would be bothered that my two girls get everything and they aren’t his biological children. First of all, we don’t have much. Secondly we don’t even see or speak with nieces that have never lived near us and we have no contact with. But that’s not the point. We have a trust, it’s not changing. The hurt was him saying the girls weren’t really his family. I’m not angry, just crushed. I know his brain is broken and I know how much he loves them, but the pain words can cause can also break the spirit. Mine was damaged last night.

CindyBum · December 6

Big hug.

psg712 · December 6

Another hug for you. Words do hurt.

Dio · December 6

I feel your pain. I was dealing with a similar situation, and possibly to come later. Do your best to keep the trust in place. Let his words float away. Words are sharper than knives. Hugs.

Metta · December 6

That is a heartbreaking comment! Hugs

Chance Rider · December 6

Also sending a big hug! Such a hurtful thing to hear, even if you know it’s the the dementia and not really your husband’s true feelings.

M5M · December 6

Oh, goodness, that is distressing. I wonder if he continues with this thinking, might give the nieces some token of relationship….. a picture of the family all together, or something tangible…like the pitcher that the shared grandmother used to have? More than that, I imagine he will move on to some other subject if you "go along" with him for a bit, perhaps wait him out as we all know their attention moves from one focus to another.

It is good that he provided a father figure for your daughters. Hopefully they can remember the good times from earlier years. Hold on to the trust as it is styled now. I agree with you.

Russinator · December 6

((HUGS))

White Crane · December 6

I had two young sons when my husband and I got married 58 years ago. He raised them as his own. We also had two children together. The word stepson was never spoken in our home and he never referred to them that way. That’s why it was such a shock and hurt so much when he started saying they weren’t his kids. This started several years into his Alzheimer’s. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Sending big hugs.

jgreen · December 6

Hugs! 💝

Biggles · December 6

I have had a similar situation to cope with. My Psychologist has given me a number of coping mechanisms to deal with the sadness that these comments can cause. You can’t change what has been said you can only deal with the thoughts that it provokes.
Believe in your wonderful family life that both you and your husband have had and given your girls and grandchildren. Resist the urge to dwell on what was said, don’t be the devils advocate. The use of a repetitive word to remove negative thoughts like “out, out, out”, or a rubber band on your wrist and ping it repeatedly when those thoughts arise. Also an imaginary box to lock these thoughts in. Look at past photos and remember the good times.
As is said his reasoner is broken so no longer thinking as he would want to. From your input I don’t think he would want to hurt you or his girls. Again you can’t change what he has said, muddled as it may be, but it is nothing compared to the 35 years of wonderful family life and history that you have had together. That is so special. My heart is with you, be strong.

Biggles · December 7

trottingalong · December 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260049#Comment_260049

I think he has completely forgot he said it.

trottingalong · December 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260070#Comment_260070

I’m sorry you have gone through this as well. My husband has always referred to the girls as his daughters. I don’t believe he even remembers saying anything.

trottingalong · December 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260075#Comment_260075

Thank you for those ideas and your kind words. I don’t believe he remembers today what was said yesterday. You are right, we have had a wonderful life together and I have beautiful photos of our life. Today I used those repetitive words and it actually worked! Thank you so very much.

SDianeL · December 7

So sorry. Hugs. Some things to consider: I would check and see if the trust Is irrevocable? Would an attorney change the trust given your husband’s diagnosis?

trottingalong · December 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260100#Comment_260100

I don’t believe so. He’s so confused these days and it seems as though he watches something on tv and gets focused on something that becomes more real. When we did the trust he was of sound mind. His distant nieces are all very kind and would never give it a second thought. Thankfully he seems to have forgotten all about it.

harshedbuzz · December 7

@trottingalong said:

He’s so confused these days and it seems as though he watches something on tv and gets focused on something that becomes more real.

It's this. He's confused. I am so sorry you heard this and that this notion even crossed his damaged mind.

If his nieces are older, it could be that he's traveling back in his mind to a time before he was a dad you your daughters and they were the children he was closest to.

Or it could be he's conflating some of the memories he has of his daughters with his nieces. My dad, who also conflate what he saw on TV as his personal lived experience, did something like this a lot in the middle stages. Before I understood what was happening this felt like a deliberate rewriting of reality/family history.

My late sister and his late sister both had addiction and mental health issues. Related to that, they were both terrible mothers. Sadly, these were two of dad's favorite people. In both cases these children required rescue before the grandparents stepped in to raise them. One story dad lived through twice, was picking young children up from a bar where their mom left them— in one case the bartender knew to call dad and in other my niece gave the police my mom's number. Fast forward to 2007 and I walk into a room where my dad is telling my then middle-school aged son about the time I left him at the bar to go have sex with some rando so dad had to "go get the kids".

As dad moved into the later stages, he became completely befuddled by his family tree. He once told my mom that his brother's son (who he liked and even worked with for a time) was really his son. Gobsmacked, mom asked who the nephew's mother was and dad told him it was his own sister.

HB

howhale · December 7

We know the brain is broken and getting worse and whatever our loved one says is gone from their mind almost immediately but the words hurt. We are just humans and words hurt, sometimes terribly so. Our ability to understand and rationalize away what was said still cannot erase the hurt. It happened to me many times with my dear wife and it was crushing each time. My only salvation was not the rational that her brain was broken but rather her sweet smile to me that would emerge shortly after. I think it was only getting that smile or the touch of hand as she reached for mine that helped me put the words out of mind. It is hard, very hard and that is why those on here are such special people for what is done and continued to be done for our loved ones.

trottingalong · December 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/260110#Comment_260110

Oh my word, I think you nailed it. Both his nieces are now in their early 50s. When they were little girls they lived near my husband and he adored them. Then his brother and his family moved out of state. He was always close to them and the last 20 years they have moved on with their lives and children. That had never crossed my mind until you writing about your dad. That all makes sense. And he is becoming more befuddled. Thank you so much. The connection just makes sense.

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