Am I The Only One

I am trusting this group to be as tolerant, supportive and open as I have continued to promote to others as I share some thoughts that have only recently started to become clear to me. I am an older male born just after WWII and I know that I am perhaps out of touch with popular thinking about the role of the male in a marriage. Be that is may, it is what it is and it is too late for me to change my thinking and beliefs. So, here is what I am coming to realize about my grief, since the loss of my dear wife of 57 years a few months ago. As I struggle with trying to find a way forward amidst a grief that is all consuming, I begin to see that some of this is driven my my guilt. I know, I know, everyone says you did the best you could do against an overwhelming foe. I get that. What I am beginning to see is that some of my guilt comes from my old sense of value and responsibility in the role of the husband. For all those many years my job was to protect my wife and family from any and all enemies, obstacles, and foes. I did that pretty well until Alzheimer/Dementia attacked my wife. From the outset I knew I could not fulfill my role as her husband to protect her from anything and everything. Yes, I know, this is an ancient standard, but so am I. What I begin to see is that a part of my guilt, which influences the depth of my grief, comes from that inability to protect my family. Illogical, sure, but that was the expectation when it all started for us. So, here I sit today, trying to get my head around my failure. Not failure in caring for my wife, I did that pretty well by all standards. It is failure to protect her from this foe, creating a failure as her husband. I am not sure where to go or how to go forward now but at least grasping that this feeling contributes to my grief may allow me to seek out a resource better focused on the root of my grief. I find this disease, at least for myself an maybe those of my generation, emasculating. It has taken away something which was a foundation of my life, my values, my worth as a husband. I appreciate your tolerance for allowing me to unload here. Maybe sharing here will enable to me to look for assistance better focused on my truth.