What do you do with your big feelings?

Call me Gram · November 29

What do you do to keep from exploding inside? (That’s an exaggeration of course.)

I’m at the beginning of this long ride and I don’t know how you all do it. My DH keeps forgetting things we’ve agreed to, like replacing our old couch, or planning a trip to visit our grandkids, etc. So, we have the same discussions/disagreements over and over. I get tired of negotiating my side, so I just give in.

I know the time will come when I’m making all the decisions myself, and DH won’t have the cognitive ability to have a say in things. I don't want that time to come, but I don’t want to resent this time either - while he still has some sense of reason.

His short term memory doesn’t work and that’s not his fault. However, he often acts as though everything must be done his way. He has so many opinions… how to load the dishwasher… whether I should wear a jacket when he thinks it’s chilly outside… how to store our important files… whether the blinds should be shut or open… everything! Then, he forgets he already shared his opinions with me, so I get to hear them over and over again.

DH has always been a person with strong opinions, but pre-dementia he would share his opinion and then drop it if it didn’t affect him. If it was something that did affect him, we could work together and come to a compromise that both of us were happy with. Now I’ve lost the energy to have the same discussions repeatedly, and I am giving in on nearly everything.

I want my husband and partner back. What do you do when you feel this way?

Lilydaisy · November 30

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I suspect we each have to find our own way to accept what is happening and learn how to best cope. But for me, now in year 9, when things wear me down I just tell myself to handle it because it will get worse. This doesn't make my hurt or frustration go away, but it does tell me think ahead and not focus on what is happening to me in that moment.

jgreen · November 30

Hi, @Call me Gram,

I find a quiet corner (if I can) and have a good cry! I also take deep breaths and pray for patience and strength to get through this tough period.

Tonight is one of those nights and I am so very angry with him for pouting, refusing to eat, and tuning me out because he didn’t get his way! Lots of tears on my part, but he doesn’t notice or care. Tomorrow he’ll have forgotten the whole thing but be on the same topic where I have to say ‘no’ again and repeat this whole awful cycle!

I wish I had better news - for all of us!

SDianeL · November 30

We know how you feel. Unfortunately, it seems the time has come already for you to stop discussing things with him. He can’t reason. His reasoner is broken. He has already reached the point where he can’t make decisions or remember the agreements you made a few moments before. Trying to involve him only makes him more anxious and agitated. Sadly he is no longer a partner. Your relationship has changed. He is now your ill patient and you his caregiver. One other thing we as caregivers have to do is fib. When you make a decision and he complains, just apologize and say you meant to tell him but must have forgotten. So sorry. 💜

Biggles · November 30

It’s so hard CallMeGram SDianeL so correctly says their reasoner is broken so we can be kidded into thinking that they can make decisions or figure things out it actually gets harder and harder for them. My vocabulary consists of words like ok, do you think so, you could be right, maybe while all the time doing or thinking what is correct. Driving is one of the most interesting my DH is constantly telling me which way to go, when to stop or go (don’t listen it’s most distracting). It is a constant reminder of how broken their reasoner is. One thing though I have never thought of my delivered DH as the patient and me as his caregiver. Everyone is different but for me I jjust can’t do that to him after 54 years. He is still my wonderful man who gave me a most exciting life. Take care.

Call me Gram · November 30

Thank you all for helping me to paint these issues in a new light! I guess that's what we do with those "big feelings"… we reframe the situation. It's time for me to be the adult here. :)

It has helped me to step back and consider what is happening, objectively. I can see that DH might be feeling a loss of control, as so much of what he is saying or doing seems like he is trying to control something. I do think some sort of anti-anxiety intervention might be helpful for him, to alleviate some of these issues. I will talk with his neurologist about that at DH's next visit (in a couple weeks).

I am so grateful for all of you!

tboard · November 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74716/what-do-you-do-with-your-big-feelings

no one knows how to do any of this. We just do the best we can. We all need to find ways to let our feelings out or to express them and that isn't easy. I like to knit, crochet, read, sew, garden., walk or bike. Sometimes I visit this group because it is a reminder that I am not alone. There are many people experiencing the same things that I am experiencing.

H1235 · November 30

My mom has always been indecisive and lacked self confidence. Now she is determined even demanding and sometimes cocky. I think she has lost so much independence that this is her was of holding on or rebelling. Just my thoughts. People with dementia also often have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize their own symptoms or limitations. It can make things very difficult.

Michele P · December 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74716/what-do-you-do-with-your-big-feelings

I think a lot of us have experienced what you described and wanted to explode and just break down and cry. What helped me was realizing that my husband’s reasoning is broken and that arguing a point is pointless. All it does is cause frustration and agitation. Agree with what you need to agree to and tell a therapeutic lie when necessary. Safety is always your number one priority. Do what you have to do to keep both of you safe. Apologize for what you did to keep things calm even when you did nothing. I found an excellent therapist who has experience with dementia patients and caregivers. I take walks, meditate, do tai chi, and exercise as much as possible to reduce stress. Deep breathing helps. You are not alone. We are all here. ♥️

What do you do with your big feelings?

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