Accusations

If she has any type of dementia, you will not be able to convince her otherwise or stop the behaviors because it is her reality. My sister and I have been sharing caregiving duties for seven years. Sometimes she's the bad guy, sometimes I'm the bad guy. My mom has experienced the same paranoia that your mom is exhibiting. The best thing you and your brother can do is support each other because this can be a very long road to travel. Know that this is not her, it's the disease. If you're not already, be sure to go to appointments with your mom and become an authorized representative so you can communicate directly with her doctors. We were lucky that our mother did not mind us tagging along on her visits. We told her we'd be her ears so she could talk with the doctor freely and we would do all the remembering for her. I found my mom's PCP and her neurologist didn't/couldn't help with her symptoms and behavioral issues after her diagnosis, her geriatric psychiatrist did that and continues to monitor her regularly. She has been in MC for three months now.

What I appreciate so much about this forum is confirming the fact that we are not alone and the our LOs exhibit many of the same challenges. My mom has mellowed out a bit since moving into AL, and only recently, has begun to actually understand why I put up such a fight to move her and accept some of the things I had to do. (We went through the months of "you hate me and are trying to get rid of me; you are taking away all my independence; you are horrible, etc.") I learned here the name of the other common symptom - anosognosia. Before moving, she insisted she was fully capable of everything. She nearly caused a fire in the kitchen, she broke her thermostat, she locked herself out countless times (she had the key but forgot how to use it or used the wrong one), and so on. She will still tell me - though now it's her being thoughtful - that I shouldn't bother and she can get the drycleaning herself or she'll call a taxi and get herself to the doctor (she barely can remember how to dial me!).

Being an only child and responsible for not only her but also my father's estate/paperwork was a huge understaking and having her tell me I was horrible, irresponsible and uncaring was very hurtful. But taking the advice others mentioned helped…sort of. You can't unhear hateful words but putting myself in her shoes did help a little. The book mentioned is a fascinating read and I pick it up often - sometimes for information and sometimes for comfort (some of the stories hit home).

The theft thing (or taking away of things) is still a mystery to me. While I am no longer the thief, she tells me daily how the AL aides are stealing her toilet paper (?!), her teabags (she drinks like 8 cups of tea a day so, yes, the box empties quickly), her dirty underwear, and the last thing she said they were stealing was her shoe - not shoeS…just the one shoe. Then she tells me that she can't ask about it because they'll stop cleaning her room. I have stopped arguing and just make the "mm-hmmm" sound and change the subject. Or I'll say I'll investigate and redirect her attention. Sometimes I just turn away and laugh. Like, really, they want her one shoe?