Mom diagnosed with eo which caused drivers license recall

Welcome. It’s possible with a dementia diagnosis her insurance may no longer cover her if she were in an accident anyway. While she may have done fine driving when you were with her, it was probably a pretty standard drive. What would her reaction time be if something darted in front of her? I would also keep in mind that her ability to drive is only going to get worse. Isn’t it better to be a bit preemptive than to be too late and have a horrible accident. You should feel no guilt! Not allowing her to drive is not only keeping her safe but also others. I would not hesitate to place all the blame of not being able to drive on the doctor. The doctor doesn’t care or take it personally. You need to have a good relationship with her. I would go so far as to sympathize with her. We told my mil she couldn’t have her car at assisted living because winter snow didn’t leave enough room for parking. By spring she had completely forgotten about her car. If this is causing her a lot of stress you might talk with her doctor about something for anxiety. Problems with anxiety are common with dementia. Dementia is also very very stressful for the caregiver. I eventually talked to my doctor about some mild medication for myself. I’m glad I did. I would be very cautious if she is still paying her own bills. I would encourage you to take a good look at finances to make sure she is not paying things twice, make unusual donations, or loaning or giving money away. Anosognosia is common with dementia and she is never going to tell you she needs help with finances. My brother thought mom was doing her laundry just fine on her own. I watched her one day and noticed she had run the washer twice and forgot to put any clothes in. My point is she may not be doing as well with bills as you think. I’m grad you found our group.

Welcome! I joined alzconnected 2.5 years ago, and my first post was about how guilty I felt when Mom's doctor told her she couldn't drive anymore. This issue is handled in different ways depending on what country or state you live in. Count yourself lucky that her doctor stepped up to be the "bad guy". That way, you can commiserate with your mother instead having her think you're the bad guy. I've read so many difficult stories about people trying to stop their loved one with dementia from driving, and they don't get any help from doctors or the DMV. Then there are the stories about tragedies due to a person with dementia causing an accident and the resultant law suits - even in cases where the driver with dementia wasn't at fault.

Fortunately Mom had already been in independent living in a CCRC for a few years by her own choice. We used the loss of driving privileges as the reason to hire additional supervision for mom. We told mom this person was her "driver", which went over a lot better than calling them an aid or caregiver. They started out coming twice weekly in the mornings and took her wherever she wanted to go. Our main request to the agency was for them to either engage with mom or keep busy, not just sit on the sofa and watch TV or their phone. Mom didn't like it at first, but they won her over. Family made periodic drop in visits to make sure the people were the right fit for Mom. As her dementia progressed, we added additional coverage. Once she required 24/7 supervision, it was time for memory care, where she's been for nearly 5 months.

It's important during this dementia journey for your mother to feel like you're on her side 100%. When necessary you can blame things on some nebulous entity like old age, the doctor, the state, etc. Focus on the things that she can still do to give her a sense of confidence. For the things she can (or should) no longer do, avoid confrontations that point out her losses. Find workarounds and do these things in the background. We never discussed dementia with my mom and just said things like "it's normal/it happens to everyone eventually/we're all getting older, etc."

One of the most valuable things I've learned is that people with dementia still retain a high sensitivity to our moods and tone of voice in spite of all their other losses.

@Pgh50

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

A couple of thoughts—

You aren't doing this to her; you are doing it for her. Dementia is what is driving the need to restrict her activities, not you. Validate her anger, frustration and pain— be her ally.

Dementia impacts so much more than just memory. There can be early losses around spatial processing, reasoning, and executive function that makes multitasking skills like driving unsafe. And given that dementia is progressive, you might not get a sense that she shouldn't be driving until the day she does have an accident.

If she were to have an accident with a dementia diagnosis in her medical records or was driving AMA, her auto policy may very well be voided meaning she could be sued putting money needed for future care at risk. Another piece to this is that were she to have an accident and be sued, the process of fact finding, depositions, and getting to trial could take some time during which her disease will have progressed. On the day of a trial, the judge/jury will see a woman who is older, frailer and more impaired than the day the accident happened. (My own mom has vision issues and was told by her specialist she was ok to drive. She was not and gave up driving after her second accident in 60 days. She was sued and while her insurance carrier was great and they settled out-of-court, it was a horrible experience for us both)

Most people here would consider a physician willing to have a license revoked as a blessing. Many consider this a "family matter" which puts the onus on spouses and adult children to be the bad guys. This act allows you to remain mom's ally.

Are you her POA? If so, you need to keep an eye on her IADLs. ADLs are the self-care skills were learn as younger kinds— bathing, simple food prep, self-feeding, toileting, etc. while IADLs are the skills we learn as teenagers and young adults and include driving, banking and management of one's health/medication. An ILF isn't all that different than living alone in one's home in terms of autonomy around these skills, so her POA has the obligation to make sure she is still reliably doing these things. If you had a concern about meds, you should probably have the same for her financial well-being. If you're POA, it would be prudent to lock down her credit and maybe put a daily limit on her credit cards and her bills on autopay.

Her time in IL may be limited as dementia is progressive. Will she be able to transition to AL in the same facility? TBH, typically meal service and medication management are generally found at the assisted living level of care.

One other minor point, EO is early onset meaning before the age of 65. The distinction is made because these are often people who are working and may have dependent children who do not qualify for Medicare or retirement. Early stage is the first stage in the disease progression. The link is to the DBAT chart (and others) for stages. It can be useful for caregivers to get a sense of where in the progression their LO is. While I am opposed to infantilizing those with cognitive differences/loss, I found the age equivalents useful in gut-checking safety issues with my dad.

Good luck.
HB

My mom's PCP refused to help me get her to give up driving or having her DL revoked. He said, and I quote, "That is the best way for her never to want to see me again.

While he wouldn't help, God did. My mom woke up one morning, completely & suddenly blind in one eye. Over the course of 3 months, her vision was restored, but it was time to renew insurance. I used that incident to get her moved into an IL facility & used the spike in her insurance premium to get her to willingly turn over the keys. Her facility provides rides, as does her insurance. She still bewails the loss of independence, but her cognition has worsened. I am glad I was proactive instead of being reactive after an accident.