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knittingmomma
knittingmomma Member Posts: 1 Member
in Caring for a Parent
I’m at the beginning stages of learning about dementia and how to help my mom navigate dementia. She recently became aggressive toward me and accused me of stealing some dolls from her. She told me I was the devil and she was going to shoot me with a gun. Although I wasn’t in any real danger, it was still scary and it hurts deeply to be accused of something I haven’t done and to be threatened.

My question is this… what if she doesn’t want me to come see her anymore? I don’t want to agitate her with my presence, but I need to help her too. Do I stop coming to see her? How do I not take the mean things she says personally especially if she threatens to hurt me? Do I keep my kids away from her?
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  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 1,718
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    Member

    Welcome. Have you talked with her doctor about this? Medication or an increase in medication may help. One of the most important rules we learn as caregivers is to never try to reason with a person with dementia. There is nothing you can say that will convince her. You might try to sympathize with her. Offer to help look for the missing doll, tell her you might have miss placed it when rearranging shelves. Maybe even apologize (others have said this works). Another idea is to have your visits in a public area of the facility (maybe she will be less angry in front of other people). It is so hard to not take things personally. I think I would keep kids away for a while. I have attached an article titled understanding the dementia experience. There are some great you tube videos that may be helpful. I hope you can find something that will help.

    understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf
  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 675
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    Is your mom in a facility or in her own home? If she's alone at home, having these paranoid delusions, she is definitely not safe. Neither are you, if she has access to any weapons (not just guns ... a good kitchen knife or a baseball bat can do serious harm). You may need to get the police involved to get her to a hospital for the medication she needs ... and help getting her placed in a safe facility.

    If she is already in a facility, yes, speak to her doctor about meds to help with the fear and aggression. She needs your involvement, but if she gets agitated when you come, it's OK to take a break from visiting. And yes, keep the kids away till she is calmer.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,175
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    Welcome. sorry about your Mom. I hope she is in a MC facility. The best thing you can do is to learn everything you can about the disease and how to care for her. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Remember it’s not your Mom talking, it’s the dementia. It’s her reality. Delusions and hallucinations are common. Medications can help. Call her doctor and be specific about her behavior, delusions, agitation and aggression. A Geri-Psychiatrist is the best type of doctor to manage meds for dementia. Don’t delay. You are not safe. She could harm you. If it happens again, call 911 and have her admitted to the Geri-Psyche unit of the hospital. Sorry you are going through this. We understand how you feel. Hugs. 💜

  • Victoriaredux
    Victoriaredux Member Posts: 155
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    Turning against the person closest to them is very common for PWD. You may need to have a care manager be between you until she progresses and that stage hopefully fades.

    While in her current stage she is primed to be scammed - many bad actors watch for when they can worm in between family members.

    Do you have legal documents to be able to protect her - if not you may need to get. a conservatorship if she can't understand and sign estate plans any more.

  • Anonymousjpl123
    Anonymousjpl123 Member Posts: 912
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    HI and welcome. The paranoia is very normal. For my mom is was nightgowns. The thing is, you do need to keep visiting, and will likely need to get things in order.

    Now is the right time. Does she have a formal diagnosis? Do you have power of attorney? All of these are big questions. Try not to let her behavior hurt your feelings. It’s definitely normal and definitely not personal.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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