Need suggestions on responses, please...

My mom has been in MC for three months and hates it. She keeps telling us she wants to move and has her clothes packed and ready to go. She refuses to have any personal items displayed in her room. She asks me every time I see her (or when she sees any other family) when she's leaving or "moving". I've been struggling with how to respond to her as well. Sometimes I can divert her and sometimes not. You are not being mean by not taking her home. It's difficult to not feel guilty. You are still caregiving, just in a different way. My advice would be to keep telling her the same calm responses, and try to divert her attention either by offering her a treat or looking at photos together (or whatever she likes). Lately my mom and I have been going for walks around the facility before I leave. She likes to see what's going on in the center because she is in the lockdown unit and cannot go on her own. I normally say goodbye near the dining area or common area so she's not alone when I leave. I also time my visits so I can leave just before meal time. My mom's MC added another anxiety/depression medication a month ago and we've started to notice a difference, she has less agitation and anxiety. She still wants to leave but she's not as angry and confused. If you haven't already, you make want to speak with the care team about any beneficial medications to help ease her anxiety.

welcome. Many dementia patients want to go home. To them home is a feeling not a place. It’s caused by anxiety. They also may be thinking about their childhood home. Their timeline shifts backwards. Best thing to do is fib to her. Tell her the doctor says she needs to stay a while longer, tell her the house is being repaired or the heat-ac doesn’t work and is being fixed. She will continue to ask so be prepared to answer many many times. Saying she won’t do it again is a delusion. Talk to her doctor about anti anxiety meds or to change the dose. Remember she is there to keep her safe. You’re doing it for her, not to her. It takes awhile to settle in. Anywhere between 2-4 weeks. Hang in there. 💜

If anyone can call in, that means scammers can call in also. The phone unfortunately can do more harm than good. My dad barely missed his when it "disappeared."

@lcogley i’m a bit late but just want to say…all of what you describe is so normal, which doesn’t make it any less upsetting and jarring. As you can see from responses, the phone is a huge issue for many, many of us. At some point, it has to disappear. I understand the “not yet” part. THat is also normal.

One thing that helped me was blocking my mom’s number. This sounds horrific, but it was essential. I work too, and the 25 calls a day were not helping her or me. THe advantage of MC is that she is safe, so you can do this, which was not true for me when my mom lived alone or in AL.

What limiting her calls will do is cut down on your stress and resentment. The transition to MC is huge and usually really hard. But I know too many people to count at this point to say it can’t happen successfully - including for my mom. It will help you focus on her, and her needs. I would also talk to the staff about it.

It took a while but my LO’s been in MC for 2.5 years and honestly doing well - all things considered. Her disease is progressing, but she has friends who’ve been there since she got there on this journey with her. It’s familiar and safe. Families know each other. she’s now in late stage 6 and not depressed or anxious. She’s likely coming home for the night for Xmas, as her best friend is coming into town (the only one who is still involved) with her family, and staff agreed it’s ok. It’s play it by ear though.

All this to say, 2.5 years ago with her wandering, unsafe, and wound up in MC calling me 20 x daily saying she’s miserable, filled with rage, and yes, calling 911.

THis is a marathon not a sprint. Work with the staff. She will adjust. You will adjust. This can be ok. Let us know how it goes.