Problems with aides because DH is a difficult patient
Today I went in earlier than usual to visit my DH in a SNF. I waited in the hall while the hospice aide and SNF aide washed and changed my DH. Here and there I could hear him yelling and calling the hospice aide a b*tch. In the meantime, a maintenance worker, who didn't see me, went into the room and said, "mind if I join in on the action?" He was checking the remotes for the TVs.. My DH became even more agitated and humiliated.
When the aides left his room, a couple of other aides from the facility started calling her b*tch and laughing. I almost burst out in tears. My DH can't help that he is agitated and doesn't trust those that are hired to care for him. Resistance to care is stage 6 in the FAST scale. What don't these people get?
I spoke to the charge nurse. She is putting in a request for a male hospice aide and the hospice doctor has changed my DH's meds.
Has anyone else felt disrespected by aides in a home, SNF or MC setting? It's not the first time I have gotten attitude because my DH is a difficult patient.
Comments
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I am so sorry this is happening, @easy23
It was good you were there and stepped up to talk with the charge nurse. You were in the right place at the right time to be a great caregiver and advocate for your DH. I am proud of you!
I am not in your position so cannot speak to the disrespect. It is most unfortunate and disappointing. I know there are often a few bad actors to sully the reputation of the majority who are caring and kind. It is a shame!
I recommend keeping good notes and perhaps writing these individuals up. This type of documentation should go in their files. I would wait a bit before you submit this information so there is no retaliation. The way these people behaved, I wouldn’t trust them.
Hold the course. You are doing the best you can. Sending hugs. 💝
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so sorry. I would report it immediately. Be specific. SNF’s usually have 2 types of patients and MC facilities only have dementia patients. I believe the MC caregivers are better trained to handle dementia patients. That’s no excuse for the caregivers’ behavior though.
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So there were three employees- SNF, hospice and the MAINTENANCE worker in the room? That they hire staff who views "care giving" as a spectator sport is beyond the pale.
Hospice should have know better, maintenance shouldn't have been in there during intimate care - does he observe female bathing too?
And the SNF aide is that facilities' direct employee I assume and seems she sets the tone.
I hope the med change helps , a palliative care doctor can suggest pain control meds -late stage with immobility can cause painful muscle contractions that make hygiene care painful.Options can include aggressive OTC to Botox injections- makes care easier- and not brain fogging.
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I have a slightly different take, with the caveat that I was not there to hear the tone etc., and I also agree that the aide should have protected your DH's privacy more, that was a failing.
As to the laughter afterwards - I have worked in healthcare and have been called all sorts of names, and had all sorts of comments flung at me by disoriented and angry patients (and families!). You need a way to take the power out of those words or an 8 or 12 hour shift would just be too much. After all, many of us have placed our LO's when there has been name calling and resistance to care because it was hard to handle.
Making a joke of the names with co-workers is a way to help it roll off your back so you can go about the day. I was called a "frightful bitch" by a patient, and my coworkers teased me for a week. But, it let me put it into perspective that it was the disease (or meds, confusion or anger) and not what I actually am. This let me keep a smile on my face as I cared for people.
Now, it should have probably happened in the staff break room, and if there was a really disrespectful tone that is another issue. I'm just hoping we can give the underpaid people doing a hard job a bit of grace, they may have been called a bitch a dozen times already that day and still need to do what needs to be done10 -
I agree with @PlentyQuiet . I worked in healthcare my entire adult life. You need humor to get through the really hard stuff. But is best done out of earshot of patients and families. The maintenance worker should have been told to wait until they were done with your husband.
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Your husband is not in MC, right?
MC should have more training. Should be the operative word.
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"I'm just hoping we can give the underpaid people doing a hard job a bit of grace, " at what hourly rate is this: ""mind if I join in on the action?" ok?
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he is in the memory care wing of a nursing home.
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My perspective on this is - this has nothing to do with your husband. This is a coping thing that people with difficult jobs do to lighten the mood. Imagine being called all sorts of different bitches all day long by various people. The maintenance person? Same thing - a joke to fellow staff to lighten their mood.
You may disagree, and that's fine. But I hesitate to "report" the people who are taking care of my difficult LO when they are not harming him.5 -
It sounds like the entire staff would benefit from additional training in dealing with difficulty behaviors associated with dementia. And while the staff is coping as best they can, until your loved one becomes easier to provide quality care for, you are at risk of being asked to find another facility. I'm happy to hear that a med change is coming.
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It is possible to be understanding and accepting of the desire of the staff to deal with the stress of insults through humor and to also be offended by what you overhead. The two things are not mutually exclusive. How we feel is not always a decision.
It is sad you had to hear this. Hopefully your concerns are understood and the staff will be more mindful of who might be listening. There is a time and place for that type of language and it seems to me they misjudged.
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"hesitate to "report" the people who are taking care of my difficult LO when they are not harming him."
"My DH became even more agitated and humiliated."
Insulting a human who because of a disease requires care IN THEIR PRESENCE-I cut no slack. The "care giver" [note job isn't called "insult comedian"] can blow off steam in their head , in the break room - even though that creates a negative workplace- or take the mature approach and job hunt.
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As I SAID, you may not agree with my thoughts on it. Do we all have to feel the way you do? Is this not a public board where all may share their perspectives or are we required to feel like you?
I have not attacked any other post here, yet you chose to quote me and attack. Says more about you than me. Every action has a reaction. Go ahead and report it - and you will see the staff back off from going out of their way for the patient and the spouse. I'd rather pick a bigger battle and have staff willing to help my LO.0 -
The maintenance worker should not of been in there when they were changing him. He was suppose to know and ask if he could come in. The aids at that time should say no they are doing care.
Report all of them.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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