Have any questions about how to use the community? Check out the Help Discussion.

DH is going to MC and I am not OK

I’ve been quiet for a while and my DH has gotten much worse in the past 6 months after having back surgery and spine injections without any pain relief. Naturally, this along with the pain pills have caused him to go downhill. He is solidly in stage 6 of vascular dementia (eight years into this journey). Our grown kids had an intervention with me several weeks ago that it is time for him to go to a facility. I picked a really wonderful one, central to our grown kids and myself. I am not doing well with any of this. It’s been really hard on me. The kids insisted for my mental health and theirs, it was time. We have a vacation home, I took him there with a caregiver, and we are now back home and time is nearing for me to take him to his new home. I am gut-wrenched over this. I don’t want to be apart from him. I have full time caregivers in the home but not overnight and there are issues all the time now. The house is dangerous for him and it has just come time to place him where he is safe and secure 24/7. I’m really, really struggling. I feel like I am sending him away because I can’t deal with it (I can’t) and then I will suffer being alone in our home. I did okay when he was in rehab but I always knew he was coming home. Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice for me? I hate that I can’t handle this with maturity, class and grace. I’m a weepy mess. 😢😭 🙏🏼

Comments

  • 4MY❤️
    4MY❤️ Member Posts: 29
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Care Reactions 5 Likes
    Member

    Great way to put a healthy perspective on it. Thank you! 😊

  • jen ht
    jen ht Member Posts: 138
    100 Comments 25 Likes 25 Care Reactions 5 Insightfuls Reactions
    Member
    edited December 2025

    Hi 4my❤️

    I am thinking of you. ❤️

    jht

  • 4MY❤️
    4MY❤️ Member Posts: 29
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Care Reactions 5 Likes
    Member

    This is so helpful to me, thank you!

  • 4MY❤️
    4MY❤️ Member Posts: 29
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Care Reactions 5 Likes
    Member

    I thought I replied to you but in case I didn’t, thank you so much, this is helpful especially to know that I am not the only one that is dealing with it (or has dealt with it) this way

  • 4MY❤️
    4MY❤️ Member Posts: 29
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 25 Care Reactions 5 Likes
    Member

    You are so right, quilting. Thank you so much!

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,186
    1,500 Likes 1,000 Insightfuls Reactions 2500 Comments 1,000 Care Reactions
    Member

    I felt the same way when I had to place my DH. He settled in well and was well cared for and safe. Wait a couple of weeks before you visit the first time to let him settle in. When you visit go at meal time and when you leave don’t say goodbye, just quietly slip out and let the nurse know so she can distract him with a treat. It will help him not be anxious. His safety and care is the most important thing. You are still his primary caregiver with a different role. You are doing this for both of you. Get some rest. Hugs. 💜

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more