Grief...

I like this post. Taking from what others have said, the depth of our grief is in proportion to the height of our love. Our overwhelming love came as a process over time as will our overwhelming grief evolve as a process over time. We feel such overwhelming grief because we had an overwhelming love. To have no grief is to never have had deep love. It took us years of grief every day, as we lost our loved one, to arrive where we are, it may take years to process out that grief, each in their own way, to get to a peace every day.

We walked a long and painful path with our loved one, moving at 100 mph to adapt and to care for them in whatever way we were able, to one day finding ourselves at 0 mph and trying to find ourselves again. It is then that our passage to a peace begins.

As these 'firsts' without DH—Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Year's Eve have passed I am finding another thing I'm missing greatly…it is our joint interactions about decisions big and small that evolved over our 50 year marriage. We were so kind to each other and discussed everything…all decisions joint…during our work years, then during our (too few) travel years, then before he went to memory care we still had an understanding and gentleness and caring as we navigated our life. During the three months he was in memory care when I would visit we'd make a plan for where to go for lunch or what to do with the programs offered at his MC home. It is true that the last year or so he usually couldn't problem solve or plan, but I would ask him, or give him choices until he couldn't cope with that either. Until his fall he lit up as I arrived; I came 3 or 4 times a week for several hours. As I have spoken here before he died in the hospital as a result of a fall due to over-medication and undiagnosed UTI. I believe he would have preferred that ending to the stage 6 and 7 he was heading into, but how I wish I could have had those few more months of being recognized, and walking holding hands.

Thanks to all who have taken the time to share your grief experiences. It is a solace to be able to talk to those who truly do understand.

Thank you for sharing the idea that "continuing to share, preserve, promote and cherish their memories…is all we have left, that is our remaining mission, that is our challenge". Having been part of a team of two since I was 21, navigating life without my best friend feels like not much of a life. I love being with my kids, but when I leave alone, return home alone, or do any of the things we did together for 48 years, it breaks my heart and probably always will. My home is filled with "our life", his lists, his work boots in the garage and his favorite coat still in the closet. My mind plays tricks that he'll come in or that I see him walking - I guess my brain doesn't accept that he is really not here. I feel that your call to preserve, promote and cherish the memories of our dear spouses is healing and a way forward. Thank you for sharing…