DH hallucinating that he's going to have an affair
I am going to post this, because I haven't seen anything quite like our story. My husband is in Stage 5-6 of This Crappy Disease, and he is now telling me that he would like to start a new relationship. The woman he's interested in is a neighbor whose name we don't know.
He has been irritated with me because I am the person who has to help him with bathroom issues, a humiliating experience. I think he is connecting his anger with me to a desire for a new relationship which wouldn't be troubled with such a sad situation.
I am heartbroken, I have done everything possible to make this situation more bearable for him. I know his "reasoner is broken," but I am having a hard time dealing with this.
Comments
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so sorry this is happening. As you said his reasoner is broken. He is unable to make a connection between his going to the bathroom and having an affair. It’s more likely that his timeline is regressing to younger days. He probably has the mind of a teenager. Certain forms of Dementia cause inappropriate language and behavior. Their filter is lost. Does he still know who you are? I know it’s hurtful but it’s not him talking, it’s the terrible disease. Keep reassuring him you love him and will be there for him. Hugs. 💜
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I am finding it difficult to accept the loss of his “reasoner.” I think this may be because he is still social and doesn’t say things that sound irrational (or only rarely.) I am going to start a list for myself of the irrational statements he’s made (he needs to go care for his mother - who died 15+ years ago; he’s a little kid who can’t answer difficult questions; the Beatles have joined him for the afternoon to jam, etc) His irrational statements are rare, and I think my brain minimizes them. I need to change my self-talk to reflect reality, maybe draft some notes about what to say when he says something about his prospective sweetheart.
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Oh, my, what a challenge! I am wondering if some "practical issues" might evolve……..Is he still able to go outside by himself? Could he wander off in the direction of that unknown neighbor?
It might be prudent to introduce yourself to the neighbor, and mention to the neighbor that your spouse "has some memory and confusion issues." I wouldn't go further than that, but at least you would have laid some groundwork should an awkward exchange occur. Others may have different suggestions.
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It might be interesting to understand what is behind the affair idea.
You might have a conversation about how especially beautiful relationship beginnings can be and share some of your memories of. how you met…early dating…the excitement etc…Like the song from GiGi "Ah ,yes. I remember it well"
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We're fortunate that our cold winter has arrived, which slows him down. We have alarms on the doors, he has an AirTag in his wallet (doesn't know what it is), we'll add a more secure alarm system.
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My DH also went through this stage. At one point he told me he was going to have sex with my sister, because she was thinner and prettier than I am! You can imagine how hard that was to hear. With proper medication and time, he no longer does this, although he does mention girlfriends now and then. Certain types of dementia seem to have more sexual actions than ever. Everyone here is right - it isn't him, it is the disease. I just tried to divert him to another subject, and eventually things got better. Hugs to you - nothing happening with our loved ones is easy!
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What medication helps with this? This is still going on. Today he didn’t want me to see him unclothed, because it wasn’t appropriate. He thinks we should never have gotten together 25 years ago (second marriage.) Distractions don’t change the basic fantasy, which seems persistent.
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Cimetidine is used for hypersexuality. Search hypersexuality here on the site. There are several members who have used it successfully. Not sure if it will help with these types of hallucinations but a trial might be worth it to see if it does help.
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My wife has accused me many times of having an affair and has a few times said that she was going to have an affair. What makes it harder (or maybe easier is our relationship never fully recovered from an affair she did have in the past)
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My husband went through a fairly long phase where he obsessed over his step-cousin, imagining a relationship that never existed. He sent her some strange text messages when he still had a phone, and she blocked his number. More recently, he told me he'd like to marry me, but first he had to ask his wife for a divorce.
Our marriage was not good before the dementia, so it doesn't have any impact on me. It could be very hurtful for someone who had a close and loving relationship before this disease progressed.
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I thought this might be a good idea, but it was a heartbreaking bust. He said it was disgusting, and we should have never gotten together.
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I think I will have to mentally visualize the man who loved me so much, and accept that this person is someone different -
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Oh, Whatdo, such a hurtful situation. I think you are right, visualize the person you once knew, and try to mentally block the persona that is there now. And I would follow up on medication from the doctor if that is available.
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I have been down that road with my first wife. Once trust is broken, it no longer exists.
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For many caregiver spouses, there comes a time that, while they remember their spouse fondly, their relationship with the person before them becomes that of caregiver/patient, rather than wife/husband. That can help provide some emotional space and decrease the pain of "it's the dementia speaking" moments (or months).
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this disease takes everything away from you including your loved one - the way they used to be. I miss my husband & the person he was.
My dad had Alzheimer’s. I remember my mom saying those exact same words to me, with tears in her eyes.
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I want to give an update to this story. I thought long and hard about the loss of the psychological intimacy of my marriage. I decided to read about intimacy and dementia, and I found some good information on the National Health Service website for Great Britain and their Alzheimer's Association. An important piece of information was the value of communication. I decided that I wanted to speak up for our marriage. So, I wrote myself some notes about the wonderful aspects of our relationship. It's not perfect, but we have worked hard at it for decades, and our five adult children have told us that they admire us. So, I found a quiet time, when we were relaxed and rested, and I made my little speech. I suggested that we might want to work together to make our relationship happier, and that it would certainly be easier than starting over with a new partner.
Well, to my surprise, it worked. He started being nicer to me, we started a new routine of back massages, which turned into a resumption of our physical relationship. We are still dealing with the same crappy disease, but we are both relaxed and happier. He now can't remember that he ever wanted out of our marriage.
I know things could change again, but it's been a few weeks, and we seem to be doing so much better. Communication - it's words, touch, affection, etc….
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I'm glad you found an avenue of communication. My DH told me he wanted sex. He was injured about 20 years ago and we've tried several times through the first 10 years, but due to his age and injury, it wasn't happening. He's incontinent - for the past 6 years. I change a "rich" diaper several times daily. I was astounded that he thought we should have sex. He felt we should separate and he could find a sexual partner with an old GF from about 30 years ago.
One gut punch after another that night for me. I called a friend, attended a group, made a counselor appointment, and read a lot of stuff on the net. He is the poster child for Anosognosia. He'd been giving me the cold shoulder for a month and told me that night he was sending me a message: I want sex, you won't give it to me, so we need to part.
He is 100% unable to walk/drive and thinking is obviously seriously impaired. In my reading I learned that I can recognize these comments and understand they're not personal and continued empathy, love, and patience are my best bets because that's who I want to be vs the enraged wife who wondered how someone could do this to me after so many years of dedication to him.
I told him we have had a wonderful marriage that is worth saving and that working together we can grant ourselves time to find our way through. So - I don't know if we actually will, but that's the philosophy guiding me now vs the hurt and anger I felt that night. We'll see.0
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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