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Please help 😭

SSkelley
SSkelley Member Posts: 1 Member
in Caring for a Parent
Hello everyone. My name is Susan. Just to give you an idea of who I am and what is going on 💔. I have two sisters and one brother. And both of my parents. My Mom is losing her memory and she is starting to get really mean. This is not my Mom when she is mean. My Mama is a fun loving, carefree, kind and caring woman. But she has lately been another person of whom I don't know. My Dad is a typical loving man. I love them both so very much ❣️ They are both not doing well at all. My Mom is losing her memory and mind. She sometimes is a person I don't know anymore. My Dad has had three strokes and is the caregiver. Here's the problem, he can't do it anymore but will not ask for help. My guess is that he will never ask for help and I feel like I need to step in. How can I do this? Remember that I live right next to Canada in NY state. I think that I should get them to move up here with me in a house that has a in-law attachment. But no one can afford that
Not my parents nor myself and husband. My siblings are not willing to help either. I feel like this is the only thing we can do. My parents need help and I am the only one out of my siblings that would do it. Ahhh yes, I am the baby of the family too. Believe it or not that creates a problem 😢. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I would greatly appreciate any help. Thank you in advance ❣️

Comments

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 1,741
    500 Insightfuls Reactions 500 Likes 1000 Comments 250 Care Reactions
    Member

    Welcome. Have your parents appointed durable power of attorney, for both of them? If not this is very important. Since neither of them will recognize the importance of this (and trying to convince them is probably pointless), it might be best to just suggest it’s something that should be done “just in case” or just because they are getting older and this paperwork is just something that needs to be done. You mentioned a mother in-law apartment. Even if this could be done, I doubt it would be a workable solution for very long. The need for 24/7 care comes very quickly. People with dementia often don’t realize their limitations or symptoms. This can create a dangerous situation where they think they are fine to climb a ladder to change a light bulb, or mow the lawn, or go up and down the basement steps…..( I’ve attached a link). If this extends to finances there could be all kinds of trouble. They should be moved close to the person that holds (or will be holding) the DPOA. I dont know if Canada has something similar to a DPOA. If you think that would be you and you’re in Canada, you should look into what your government will provide. How long do they need to be in the country, do they need to apply for citizenship, would it work better for you and your husband to move to the US, would they qualify for Medicaid in the US? Assisted living is expensive here, there can be a waiting list to get in and usually Medicaid doesn’t cover assisted living, just a nursing home(I have attended a link so you can check their state). There is so much work to do in the beginning and your work is compounded dealing with two different countries. As far as how you move them to a safe environment. We just told mom this is what is going to happen. She was very mad, but she went. Others have said they take their loved one to lunch and then just bring them to their new living arrangements. Trying to convince them will probably only make them angry and like you said I doubt they will agree.

    Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf
    DBAT.pdf

    https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-income-chart/

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 3,186
    1,500 Likes 1,000 Insightfuls Reactions 2500 Comments 1,000 Care Reactions
    Member

    ditto what H1235 posted. In addition, learn all you can about the disease so you can help them. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. 2 things I learned here:1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Soon your Mom will require 24/7 care which is very expensive. An Elder Care Attorney will help you understand your state’s Medicaid rules. They would have to qualify financially. I would speak to your Mom’s Doctor for medication to calm her anxiety which causes her agitation. It’s not her talking, it’s the dementia. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you’re going through. 💜

  • tootz
    tootz Member Posts: 17
    10 Comments 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74852/please-help

    Our stories are similar. Thank you for sharing. These comments are helpful. Sending you love and light.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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