Taking it away

I think she is probably going to forget you took the wallet and you’re going to be right back where you started. I would try to focus less on the actual wallet and more on a story/fib that will ease her anxiety. I think I would try something along the lines “Oh I’m sure it’s around there somewhere. We will look for it next time I’m there for a visit.” Pretend to look at the next visit only if she asks. You can’t find find it so tell her you need to get going and you’ll help her look next time. Again assure her it will turn up eventually. Change the subject, offer a treat. Or maybe tell her you must have picked it up by mistake at your last visit and apologize. Assure her you will bring it next visit, then forget. Unfortunately this routine might need to be repeated with each visit until this obsession is over. If the anxiety continues and you can’t seem to find a way to calm her, you might want to talk with her doctor about medication. I think anxiety medication can also cause drowsiness, so that might be a good for her too. I totally agree dementia is awful!

losing things is common with dementia. They hide things or throw them in the trash thinking they are putting them away. I would remove the wallet and the phone. Fib to her. Then distract or redirect. You mentioned she is in an ALF. Is it a locked memory care with 24/7 care or do they just check on her periodically? I think based on her behaviors it’s time for a MC facility.

I'm so sorry @lanie68ny , I remember very well when my sister was at that stage. With her, it wasn't her wallet (I'd disappeared that, and the credit cards, long ago), it was her phone. She'd misplace it, forget how to use it, call me 30 times a day, etc. I ended up disappearing the phone too. I told her it was in the shop getting fixed, and I just kept repeating that fiblet over and over until she forgot about the phone.

You can probably do something like that with your mom's wallet. Depending on how your relationship is with her, you might try something like "oh, I found it, it's safe. I'll bring it over next time I'm here." At least she'll know it's in a safe place and she'll be getting it back soon. That may take the edge off of some of her stress. Of course you'll just keep the wallet with you, but you keep on repeating the fiblet, "I have it, it's safe, I'll bring it back."

It's very strange to experience someone with dementia forgetting about an object that was once important to them. I didn't think my sister would forget about her phone - it was always glued to her. But she did. Your mom will forget about the wallet in time.

Again, I'm so sorry you both are where you are - dementia really does suck.

To some degree this is just what happens, not a lot to be done. If it's not the wallet it will be something else, or something imaginary that stresses her. It's a really hard phase of the disease. My mother was always losing stuff and stressing over it and intentionally squirreling it away and forgetting where it was. We ended up removing everything of value from her wallet and purse (and from her life, I guess.) I filled her wallet with those fake cards that come with junk mail, some old insurance cards, and a few dollar bills. But like I said it's not really about the wallet or one item, it's about her failing brain and the anxiety associated with that, with being aware she is losing her faculties and feeling lost in the world. It's also common to withdraw from mainstream social activities, that becomes too much to be out of their surroundings. If outings stress her out then don't do it, sad as that is. There comes a time where they just need their routine, their familiar setting, and no new people or experiences. Short easy visits with close family in her apartment. After a while we had to stop bringing mom to family gatherings even on Christmas. We had a quick session together at the facility with just a couple of us and that was it. it wasn't fair to her anymore to put her in those settings. It may also be time to consider memory care, where the staffing ratio is higher and there are more supports, more intervention to keep them occupied and engaged. After an initial (very difficult) transition period, my mother did much better in memory care. The environment is more controlled and she felt less lost in the world. Every day is Groundhogs Day (like the movie) and most people with dementia thrive on routine.