Can I Do This?

WIGO23 · December 30

I wonder if anyone else feels fundamentally unsuited to care for someone with dementia?

This is who I am.

I have had life long depression episodes that I do my best to manage. I thrive best when my physical environment is orderly. . I do not work well under time pressure. I am introverted (do not seek social contact). I am risk averse. I am very empathetic (sometimes things bother me that others can ignore). I am fact based. I strive to understand the why of things. I am very self sufficient and do not like asking for help.

My DH is still functioning pretty well. However, he shadows me, repeatedly asks the same questions, cannot do much independently, wants to argue rather than discuss things and has other changes. In short, his personality and abilities have changed significantly.

I am so stressed, unhappy and struggle daily with varying levels of depression that I can’t imagine things getting worse and coping with more. I am losing myself more and more each day. I am being challenged beyond my capabilities already.

I am not seeking advice.

I just wonder, if in fact, there are other caregivers who also feel deep inside they are fundamentally unsuited to do this.

BikingOldMan · December 30

I have my moments, but they do seem to pass. I certainly feel unqualified.

Mitsu2 · December 30

When you describe your personality, I feel like we share a lot of similar traits. I've had chronic mild depression off and on throughout my life and I've been able to manage it until now. One difference is that I enjoy variety, novel and intense experiences. I'm an introvert, but still like social connections, so the isolation of caregiving is very difficult. My husband moves and hides things, so I have to constantly make sure I haven't put important things where he can find them - this makes me feel so anxious, like my physical environment is out of control.

I was a psychotherapist for many years, so people assume I should be a natural caregiver, but that's not the case. I had lots of empathy and patience for my clients and for raising my son, but this is different. I feel trapped, and like I have nothing at all to look forward to except to just make it through another day. We can seldom leave the house because his behavior is so unpredictable. I'm actually worried about myself at this point! I'm looking at placement because I feel like I'm reaching a point where I can't continue.

sandwichone123 · December 30

I did not feel that I would do well as a full-time caregiver, and I did not want to give up my career. My dh had early onset, meaning that I could expect to be still working age when he passed, leaving me with no current experience or professional contacts.

When he got to the point that he could not be left home alone, I placed him in a very nice memory-specific assisted living place, where he has remained, transferring to the more serious care units as he progresses. That provided him with companionship and activities and me with an adult life, work and some travel.

wose · December 30

Biggles · December 30

These are some of the saddest and most difficult comments I have read on this site. Perhaps this is where memory care facilities, hospice and any other facilities available are best used. It seems it would be the kindest and best option for all concerned. We all struggle but some more than others. My heart goes out to you.

Marla13 · December 30

I feel the same way you do @WIGO23 .

I am so grateful for this site because at least I know I am not alone. Some days I think I can do it but then other days I am in the dumps. Please know you are not alone. Sending hugs to you. Hang in there and do what you think is best for you.

Flowers456 · 12:09AM

Yes, this new life is one that I do not want.

lenbury · 12:15AM

I asked myself the same question caring for my wife's journey. I finally realized I needed help from caregivers, assisted living, memory care and then finally hospice. I know I could not get through it myself but it took a while to realize it. This forum was helpful in giving me a heads up as to what I might expect.

RetiredTeacher · 2:40AM

I try me very best every day but it is taking a heavy toll. My husband can still do his ADLs but he shadows me, goes everywhere with me, listens to my phone calls, sits and watches while I dress or brush my teeth. My strong independent spirit is struggling to survive. I feel like Cinderella, scrubbing the floors and doing all the work without Prince Charming. DH can do little to help and has trouble ambulating any distance. Today at the dr my weight was up and my BP was elevated. The chronic stress of 7 yrs of categiving is taking its toll and it scares me. DH is more emotionally needy than anything else at this pt but refuses to try hobbies, activities, day program, etc. He expects me to plan and carry out activities daily for him or his sits in his chair all day watching TV. I'm needing chunks of time daily to be by myself, here at home, going for a walk or just time without him. I know that sounds harsh but I'm really struggling with high level chronic stress. Not sleeping much because of his severely disruptive sleep pattern. He's not far enough along for memory care but my health is going south and I am worried about myself for a change. I can't save him but I need to save myself. I've got to find some type of compromise. Struggling and worried with BP that use to be 128/60 and today 158/68. I know things need to change. This is so darn hard!

justbreathe2 · 4:28AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/74962/can-i-do-this

My patience is good most days, but it is starting to wear thin. I feel just like you. My DH also shadows me all day long. I cannot get anything done. I have tried caregiving when I need to be gone for several hours, but it is stressful having a stranger in our home.

He also does all his ADL’s and feel I can take a walk, or run to nearby grocery store, but he wants to go everywhere with me. He was once a busy guy and would never follow me around.

I am in my 70s and get depressed because I feel my life is behind me. Not a life we expected in our retirement. I look at other couples and friends and life goes on for them. Cloudy cold winter days do not help. Tomorrow is a new day and I will start fresh.

wilkins57 · 4:35AM

My DH started showing symptoms a couple of years ago and it took some time to convince him and his PCP that he needed to be tested. He was diagnosed with dementia 5 months ago. He is still functioning pretty well; most of his issues are short-term memory so he asks the same questions several times a day, but he is still able to take care of his daily needs. He drinks more than he should and that is a problem some days. When I read these discussions I realize the long, difficult journey we have ahead of us. I appreciate the honesty shared on this site as it helps me have more realistic expectations. I pray for peace and understanding for all.

Can I Do This?

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