Will my dh ever understand he has dementia?

A BIG yes!

He probably never will. An inability to understand their own level of functioning is an almost (but not quite) universal feature of Alzheimer's. The damaged brain does not recognize its own level of damage. It's not denial, but anosogosia.

It can be helpful to avoid pointing out the losses, however obvious, because in his mind he's just fine. That means you must be wrong (in his mind) and it can damage the trust needed to have a smoother caregiving experience.

I think I’d quit trying to explain things he can’t do or remember. That will most likely cause anxiety, fear and anger. If you hang out here long enough you’ll learn that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broke. I found a lot of peace and tranquility by entering into my DH reality, instead of trying to drag him into mine. Sure, I still get frustrated, mad, sad, but not near as often as I used to. I gave up thinking I had to reason with him or explain things. Life is much easier living on his terms, and less stressful for him. I’m the one who can change, he can’t. Adapting to him really changed things for us.

welcome. Sorry for the reason you are here. Your husband can never understand he has dementia. People with dementia have severe anxiety and don’t know why. They usually take it out on their primary caregiver. He may become aggressive. Do you have a DPOA? Medical POA? If so you don’t need his permission to speak to the doctor. I would send a message on the patient portal. I got my husband to see a Neurologist by telling him she was a brain doctor and when she prescribed medication I told him it was to help his brain. I never said the word dementia. You can put the meds in his food. He really should be on anti anxiety meds. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” it helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Also search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Your feelings are common for caregivers. You’re angry at the disease. It’s the disease talking, not your husband. The disease robs us of so much. It helped me to see my husband as my patient and me his nurse since he was no longer my partner. It took the emotion out of caring for him. I repeated the phrase throughout the day that I learned here: “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken”

Mom was officially diagnosed with dementia 2.5 years ago at age 94, I'd say in early stage 4 at the time. For a couple of years prior, she was aware she was having memory problems, but her doctors just chalked it up to advanced age. We've never told her she has dementia, because it would devastate her, and I doubt she could fully comprehend it due to her anosognosia. She is now in stage 6 in MC and needs help with all her ADLs, yet from her perspective because her short term memory is non-existent, she thinks she is doing all these things for herself.

As far as "He screams that it’s ME who has the problem", the best thing to do in this situation is just to agree with him and say "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better". When you need to hire caregivers for him, you can tell him they are there for you. If he accuses you of stealing something because he's misplaced it, you can say "I'm sorry, I was cleaning…let me help you look for it".

Interacting with someone with dementia is like being in a 24/7 improv play that you never auditioned for. The only good thing about it is that you can recycle the same responses and don't have to constantly come up with new material. You just have to make sure your delivery is cheerful, confident, and makes them feel like you're on their side. People with dementia can still pick up on your mood, energy, and tone of voice.

This is an excellent short film by Rachel Wonderlin, one of my favorite dementia experts. She trademarked the phrase "Embrace Their Reality". She also has a wonderful podcast called Dementia By Day with helpful, short, and to-the-point episodes.