Christmas Decorations
Mom is in a nursing home. There is not much room. I brought a few decorations (a couple of Christmas wall hangings she made) and a three foot Santa to set in the hall by her door. She has always wanted Christmas decorations taken down as soon as Christmas is over, because she gets depressed after Christmas. After discussing our Christmas today I said I could come by Friday to pick up decorations and asked if that was ok. She said she is just going to store it all in her room(she got pretty mad). She said if I bring it home she says she will never see it again. She has all kinds of stuff from her house she wants, but I won’t bring her there so she can go through her things (she is a hoarder). So there is probably some room to store it, but it’s going to limit her closet space or just be piled up on top of a cabinet and look cluttered . So I could just leave it, but what happens when Easter rolls around. She is going to want a little ceramic bunny for her dresser. If I put a nice seasonal wreath on her door she will never let it leave. It’s not just the Christmas stuff it’s the cd player and cds her brother brought her that she doesn’t know how to use and the full size dictionary my brother brought her at her insistence. I’m sure my brother will bring her anything she wants that might be even remotely reasonable. I’ve noticed she is starting to save toilet paper rolls and the little cups they give her her medicine in again. I threw hundreds away when we moved her out of Al. I’ve talked with staff about this. Her memory is not bad, there is no way she will forget about this. If I take these things while she is out of the room, it would be very very ugly! The room is not over crowded and a tripping hazard yet, even if the Christmas stuff is stored there, but eventually it will be. Do I just wait til it is and then do something about it? Is this a battle worth fighting? I just want things to be nice for her. I want her to have the nice holiday wreath on the door and she loves to decorate for all the holidays and I want to be able to do that for her to the extent that space allows. I’m at a loss.
Comments
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@H1235 first kudos to you for being so amazing to your mom. It is not easy for someone who loves things and with hoarder tendencies to give anything up but to my mind you absolutely did right bringing her some joy with the tree and stuff.
My mom loves stuff too and when she was in earlier stages, still had awareness of things, I just let her have as much as could fit without it becoming a hazard. When it did, I would find some reason we had to keep it in my place. It’s terrible but at one point I said I didn’t want it to get stolen. Maybe you could say you were keeping it safe for her? I don’t know. I would let her have it as long as she can unless it’s a hazard. I’m sure others will weight in. Not easy.
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take her something for Valentine’s Day and switch them out. A trade. Would that work? Each month has some kind of holiday. If not, make one up. 🤞💜
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would it work to tell her she has a storage area in a different part of the facility and you are taking it there? Or would she want to see the area? Could you say the facility has rules on what she is allowed to keep permanently? Especially when it comes to the times she wants from home. I found myself making up all kinds of “rules” when my dad had questions. I was lucky he bought most of them. Not sure if your mom is at the point she will or not.
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She might let me just swap out the wreath on the door. I don’t know. Even if I could get away with it I’m sure I will get the stink eye and some snide comments. But there is no way she is going to let go of the other Christmas decorations without throwing a fit and not speaking to me for weeks. If I told her there was a storage room there she would want to see it and probably fill it. She would not buy into the rules thing. She is very distrusting in general and especially of me. Im not so sure how supportive staff would be with this. There is a lack of understanding around hoarding and the problems it can cause. She specifically told me that other people have boxes of stuff stored above their cabinets, so that won’t work. But a 3ft Santa can’t be easily boxed and will not fit there neatly (it’s going to hang over the edge). Even if I leave things there, do I go in and bring storage bags to wrap things in and get up on a chair and put everything above this cabinet or do I just wait and see what happens. But then she might try to get up on the chair and put it up there. I want her room to look nice. I guess I need to get over that. What she wants is to fill it with as much stuff as possible. I’m not sure I can trust the facility to step in and say this is too much. It’s Christmas Day and I need to call her, but she was so nasty last night I am really dreading the call. Thanks for commenting on Christmas. Merry Christmas.
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Oh, so tough. My first impulse was to suggest identifying one or two small decorations for each major holiday and leaving the whole lot at her room, but I think this would also require accepting the initial fight when you took the Santa and other bigger items home. As for the dictionary and the CD apparatus, you may just have to accept that clutter… A pain for sure, however.
There is no good answer here, so I guess we fall back on the knowledge that it is our goal to keep them safe and as healthy as possible. “Happy” is sometimes elusive. You know that, of course.
And your needs matter too. I hope you can find moments of joy today. Maybe kick the decorations can down the road a few days…
Does anyone involved in her care understand hoarding behaviors? A doctor? A nurse? Any aides with experience? I can imagine that many people are busy and not focusing their attention on why she might be collecting odd items. It would be good for you (and her) if you had at least one ally.
I am sorry about all this. You are such a reliable and responsible daughter, and you interact with people here with such knowledge and grace. Thank you for all you do. Merry Christmas.
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@H1235
I wonder if the holiday decor items are something of a trigger for her. Having the wall hanging may prompt the recall of other items and feed her need to have them with her. It might be easier on you both, to keep the room as unseasonal (PWD do best with sameness typically) if her distress at not having all she wants outweighs any pleasure your or she gain by having a little festive decor.
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I think you might be right. I also have to accept that my desire for her to have a nice neat room is directly opposite of her desire to have as much stuff in her room as possible. Short of her room being unsafe (with tripping hazards) I need to chill and let it go.
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Thank you. I have not come across a single healthcare professional yet that truly understands hoarding. Many treat it like an elderly person with a life time of accumulated stuff that doesn’t want to part with things. But it is so much more. She hasn’t lived in her house in 3 years, but doesn’t want me to touch anything (I have). She is obsessed with her stuff! She without question would choose her stuff over family and friends every time (and has). It’s heartbreaking. She hates bingo, but never misses a game, because there are prizes. She will take anything anyone offers her(a stained shirt that is 3 sizes too small). I have to bring things to her in a reusable bag, because she won’t throw the bags away no matter how many she accumulates. Thankfully she has not tried hoarding anything disgusting (used depends or something like that). Unfortunately my brother doesn’t understand either. At this point the hoarding is as difficult to navigate as the dementia.
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@H1235
My dad did something like this. When I moved my parents after dad's hospitalization during which he was diagnosed, they started out in a small 2 BR apartment while we sold/rented their houses. During this time, most of their stuff from the primary residence was in storage. Five months later, mom had bought a house and I was helping her hang her art. We hung a large impressionistic oil dad had bought at one of those hotel art expos because he thought it was pretty and matched the couch. (Mom is an art-snob/an artist/art teacher and most of her stuff is from galleries or inherited).
Dad smiled when he saw his painting but then rounded on me for stealing "the other one". I asked him which one he meant and he described it as "the dancing girls". Mom and I wracked our brains around this one for days before I recalled a poster from an art exhibition they'd had in their first apartment (1960) that featured a Degas. I had to dig through old family pictures to find it in a background to show mom.
It's funny, my aunt with dementia never asked about anything from her home. She was a magpie from the Depression. She kept almost everything she'd ever owned. Fortunately for her, she was tidy to a fault and had a massive amount of storage— a house, 2 cottages, a shed, a workshop, a 4-bay garage with attic and a boathouse. When she retired to her summer place, I helped her pack up. She had multiples of things, and I gently suggested she consider donating some items rather than pay to move them. She wouldn't hear of it— she might need a 4th can opener if she rented the cottages again. Imagine my surprise when I got into one of the cottages and found an entire room full of those boxes I'd packed in 1977. They hadn't been touched since I sealed them.
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My mother's last Christmas was 2024. She was deeply disturbed by her decorations at the MC facility. In fact, she tore them all down the day after I put them up. She even tried to get the lights off a pre-lit tree. Something was definitely wrong and made her alarmingly anxious about it. She always loved Christmas decorations and spent the weekend after Thanksgiving every year decorating her house top to bottom. This disease just takes pieces of our loved ones away. She kept a seasonal wreath on her door for a little while until another resident took it. The staff told me they found it and brought it back, but Mom was paranoid after that and started stuffing most of her things in the closet. It seemed to begin a new habit of her cleaning off every surface. I read about that as a common behavior for later stages of the disease. Everything had to be put away. The last thing to go was the plants. She had two plants that she watered for quite a long time, but then she stopped that too. I decided not to try to get her back to a former place. I didn't stop trying to entertain her or to bring her enjoyment. I just stopped trying to force the situation if she wasn't feeling it anymore. For me it was part of the slow grieving process. I'm posting here because I realize now that exactly a year ago was when I knew things had taken a definite turn. It made this holiday season a little rough, but at least I was able to remember how Mom used to be.
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I’m so sorry. Thanks for reminding me it could be worse. No one should have to go through this.
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Hi @H1235
My dad also takes things down and packs things up. He also keeps stacks of cups and even piles of gum wrappers. He was also reaching and putting things above his cabinets. I feel for you as several things you mentioned resonated with me.
I'm with you in spirit and sending lots of strength and love your way.
One of dad's friends called it tough love and encouraged me to keep it up. His wording helped me so much in that moment. I reflect on that all the time. So sharing it here with you in case it's helpful for you too.
May we be well 💜
jht
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Hello, @jen ht! Thanks for asking about my ankle. I'm eight weeks post surgery and able to hobble around with a boot now. I am transitioning from a walker to a cane. I'm hoping to lose the boot next week. The whole ordeal seems like forever ago, but I'm satisfied with my progress. I went back to work Jan 2. It was good to return to some kind of normalcy. I appreciate you checking on me. Have a happy new year!
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An update. I went to moms intending to take things down and pile them on the top of her wardrobe the best I could. She asked if I was going to bring them to her house so I said “if that’s ok” and she was fine with that. I had talked with her originally on Christmas Eve and she had just gotten back from a family Christmas with my brother. I wonder is she was just tired, stressed or overwhelmed and that caused her to be so upset with me ( it doesn’t take much these days). I feel like I got all stressed out over nothing.
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Trying to help our LOs with dementia is an ever changing landscape. Today's big issue is tomorrow's shoulder shrug, and then the next issue rears its head. Don't be hard on yourself. Take a breath and gear up for the next round!
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