How to deal with denial
My DH is probably in stage 5 or 6 Alzheimer's. Ever since the diagnosis was made (about 4 years ago) he has adamantly denied that there is anything wrong with him. He now freely admits that his memory is not good, but if I say or do anything that makes him aware that I am "caregiving" he says that I am treating him as if he is stupid. I tiptoe around the elephant in the room all day. His short-term memory seems to be declining rapidly, but he is still quite cogent in the now moment. I am finding some situations difficult to manage with his denial. I know I cannot get his brain to accept new information about something that he is fixated on, but if he understood that he has Alzheimer's and I am trying to help, it would be so much easier. Is there any benefit to attempting to tell him that he is ill and that I am trying to do what's best for him? Or does that generally just cause more anger and resentment?
Comments
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I here you. My DW of 32 years is in total denial as well. She accuses me of thinking she is "stupid" whenever I offer a suggestion that she should follow an alternative course of action. All she says to me is "I took care of myself before I met you just fine."
As to diagnosis, she was rate 2/5 on the three number sequence and clock face test. However, she ignored the referral to the memory care clinic. I am not sure where she is at however her anger is overwhelming at times.
Thanks for the site to voice my concerns.4 -
Welcome. Trying to convince him will not only not work it will probably cause him to get very upset and angry with you. People with dementia often have anosognosia. It is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. In the middle stages I think it is the worst symptom. I would rather my mom not remember me than to have her think that I just stuck her in a home for no reason at all. She believes she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself and her finances. She believes I have over stepped and taken all her freedoms away. She doesn’t like me very much at all. It breaks my heart. I try at all costs to avoid bringing up any symptoms or limitations. Sometimes that’s just not possible (she needs to use her cane). I would suggest you do what needs to be done without telling him. If he wants to mow the lawn, tell him there is a nice neighbor boy saving money for …. and you have hired him for the summer. If he wants to change the oil in the car, tell him you just had it done. Apologize if necessary for not consulting him. You get used to apologizing for things you didn’t do wrong or even cause you more work. The fibs are difficult at first, but get easier. I have attached a link about anosognosia.
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Thanks for your answer. I was afraid that I could make the situation worse. I guess I was just hoping. Nearly every night when we go to bed he begins a narrative about "someone else" in my life who is a controlling my life with him. It is a delusion that I cannot dissuade him of no matter how much I reassure him of my love and commitment. This can go on for over an hour. Not only does it rob me of needed sleep, it also causes me great stress. I dread going to bed every night. I have just about reached the decision that I will have to convert our small office into another bedroom and sleep separately. He will be furious about that. I have heard that there are medications that may help with certain behaviors, but I really hate to go that route.
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welcome. I learned 2 things on this forum: 1) You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken and 2).never argue with someone with dementia. Get in his reality. Apologize and distract or redirect. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Learn all you can about dementia so you can help him.
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welcome. I learned 2 things on this forum: 1) You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken and 2).never argue with someone with dementia. Get in her reality. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. Learn all you can about dementia so you can help her.
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After the diagnoses and 1 conversation I never used the word Alzheimer's or dementia there was no benefit. She is in Memory care and still thinks she is getting better. I agree she is doing better and she is happy. Some times you can't be totally honest. I think the difference is you are not being totally honest for their good not to hide something from them. She was diagnosed 10 years ago and I still have a hard time not expressing my feelings. Your not doing something because they can't, your doing it because you want to do things for them out of caring about them. I think it made her feel cared about instead of cared for.
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You said, “I have heard that there are medications that may help with certain behaviors, but I really hate to go that route.”
I had those same thoughts about putting my DH on medication - I hate pills. But then I couldn’t continue to watch him suffer with anxiety, agitation, fear and the like. He can’t ask for medication to relieve his symptoms, so I did and he’s better for it.5 -
Medications can be very helpful for symptom management. I think a lot of us don't want to think about medications for behavior, but in my opinion it's important to remember that a brain is a physical part of the body and we may need our loved one to have medications due to illness in that body part. It's not about controlling our loved one, it's about helping with the symptoms of their physical illness of the brain.
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Thank you for your perspective. It is helpful
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Your differentiation between "cared about" and "cared for" is a helpful perspective. Thank you.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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