being prevented from communication

gonesail · January 3

My DW of 45 years has ALZ and is living in an assisted care facility. The oldest daughter has POA. She and an unknown DR have implemented what they call a "NO CONTACT" plan where I am being prevented from any communication with my wife. They say this is for her "well being" and that it is permanent. She is taking 3 or 4 antidepressant medications that most likely have made her cooperative and easily manipulated. They say she is happy with the way things are.

One of the last emails I got from my DW assured me she loved me and we could somehow work things out. Soon after that she said she was sorry but was ending all communication with me. Her phone is blocked. Her daughter refuses to give me the address of the facility.

My question for the folks who may have experienced something like this: is it legal? Can they build a case against me? My next question is: what should I do? I would like to visit my DW before she forgets who I am. As you can imagine this has taken a huge toll on me emotionally and financially. I can't afford an attorney. And I don't want to burn my bridges with a lawsuit. It has been suggested that I walk away and focus on my life going forward.

Actually it is hard to fathom what has happened with what used to be my family. To my credit I am speaking to a therapist for my own health and sanity. I have a medical checkup planned next month. I am alone in our house 400 miles from the facility. I am way too old for this.

H1235 · January 3

My first thought was why would someone do that? Has her daughter given you a reason for this? A person with dementia can get very stressed. We often say here that it is best to live in their world. This sometimes requires agreeing with things that just aren’t true or avoiding conversations that cause stress. It’s very hard to do this and some people have a hard time with it. If you are one of these people (no judgement), it could be causing her unnecessary stress. Could you suggest a very open honest conversation about the situation? If that doesn’t work I don’t know that you have any other option than to see a lawyer. Do you believe her daughter is making sure she is well cared for and has her best interest in mind? It is almost impossible for someone to act as a DPOA from 400 miles away, so I can see why she needed to be moved. If her dementia has progressed it’s possible she is no longer able to use the phone. Could her daughter have sent you the text to make you feel better? Do you have children of your own that can help you with this? Im not sure I was much help. I hope you can find a solution.

gonesail · January 3

I have asked that question a thousand times. The reason given is: the plan is to insure my wife's well being. And my wife has apparently agreed to it. I am told she was deeply depressed and angry because she had caused much of the breakup of our marriage. I believe she is well cared for. She has problems with phones and computers now. The amount of medication she is taking tells me she may not care what happens anymore.

Quilting brings calm · January 4

You mention that she had caused much of the issues that led to the break up of your marriage… were you separated at the time that she came under the care of her daughter? If so, then her daughter may feel this is the best course of action. I’m guessing that this daughter is your step-daughter?
I think your only chance of getting this changed is to go to court and seek guardianship. That would override the POA.

If you don’t have the money for court… who is paying for your wife to be in the facility? Are you financially responsible for her care?

BPS · January 4

Can you get the name of the facility? You said it was 400 miles away. If you can don't go there because you are probably on a do not admit list and showing will make things worse but maybe you can call and talk to the staff and ask how she is doing. If she is doing good maybe it is better to let her go If you were separated and her daughter is taking good care of her. Try to mend fences with her daughter to keep the line of communication open. Fractured relationships, Alzheimer's it all sucks. Sorry

gonesail · January 4

yes she is step daughter. the facility is being paid for with our shared funds and with my wife's pension. the daughters are paying nothing. so far they refuse to give me the name of the facility for reasons i can't fathom. i don't want to burn the bridges.

the recent "no contact" plan is the last straw for me. i was not included or warned of what was being decided. i feel like i have lost the final battle for the life that my wife and i shared. it is a lot for me to process right now.

i am a good guy. i worked most of my life to make sure i did not end up like this. it's actually embarrassing. i once said that my wife's disease would drag me down too. so far that seems to be the case.

BPS · January 4

If they have access to your shared funds to pay for the care you may want to open an account in your name only and move some money to prevent them from taking everything. I think you should talk to a lawyer just to find out your options then decide how you want to proceed.

Hunter2741 · January 8

I know that you said you cannot afford an attorney, but if I were you I would consult an attorney anyway. From what you described, it sounds as though you need to protect yourself financially. Your step daughter could drain your shared assets simply because you are still married to her mother. You may even be able to find out what rights you do have as a husband, and whether or not what is happening is both best, and legal for your wife. From what I understand if your step daughter has a POA, and your wife is not coherent enough to understand, a guardianship would be appointed. I’m sorry that you are going through such a difficult time right now, and I hope you are able to at least have some type of closure with your wife. I don’t know if this will help you…

blueheron · January 8

Is the “no contact” plan a court order of protection? If it is, you need a lawyer or you could get arrested if you violate it.

Boxer Mom · January 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75002/being-prevented-from-communication

Hi, I'm sorry you are going thru this. You said you couldn't afford an attorney. Where you live do they have anything called legal aid? If so you can go there and get you an attorney for a low price or maybe even for free depending on your finances. Now how good they are, I don't know. But at least you could find out some info on where you stand and what your rights are. Someone else suggested you open a seperate bank account with your name only. I would recommend that. Because even though you still love your wife, your step daughter may take all of your wifes money and your's to. And you have to be able to have money to live on also to take care of yourself. Know one wants to see there love one pass away without saying good buy to them. But we all know with Alzheimers diease it only gets worse. And I'm sure what facility she is at, it probably cost a pretty penny. At least that's my experance I've ran into recently with my mom being in there for rehab. I would hate for your step daughter to take all your money and leave you pennyless. Because when the good lord does decide to call your wife home, than you just might be out on both ends. You've lost your wife, and all your money to. I would hate to see anyone put in this position. Please watch out for yourself. My brother just got guardianship over my mother, but she is living with me. It was her choice. And I'm struggling myself with finances. He is suppose to send me some money for her care, but I haven't seen a dime yet. Plus my mother is living with me, and she uses a whole roll toilet paper in a day and a half. Try explaining to your mother that she has to go easy on the toilet paper, until more money comes thru. And after my mom dies then I'm not so sure he would honor my mom's will. I don't trust him. That's pretty bad when you can't trust your own family. But I have my reasons. So please protect yourself. I hope this help's you. I wish you the best of luck with your wife. And I hope you get to see her again soon.

being prevented from communication

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