Incontinence

Hi @katmcgee

This is a common question posed. If you use the search tool in upper right and look for ‘incontinence’ you will find several discussions with advice. One I saw that might help you is titled ‘how best to cope with continent spouse who needs help 5x per night to pee’. Advice from pads, disposable underwear, mattress covers, urinals, and catheters came up in responses. You may find something that will suit your parents’ situation.

You are a great daughter! Hang in there for your parents!

I wonder if a solution would be twin beds pushed side by side so she would have dry bedding but he would still be close to her.
I also use to get my father in law briefs from a medical supply. Look for the maximum capacity. They also have pads you can lay down in the bed to absorb any overflow. We used washable ones

@katmcgee

To your questions-

The new mattress needs to be protected by a 6-sided waterproof protector. The box spring as well. She can top that with a softer padded one for comfort.

Many folks double sheet the bed— make it up entirely with protector, sheets, blankets and the cover with a protector and a second set of sheets and blankets. This allows fresh bed to be accessed easily in the night or morning. Adding an absorbent pad on top— Chux or washable— should contain the urine to his side.

Dad may need better incontinence products than mom's buying. Depend are really bottom of the lot. He may do better in a different brand, if he's thin or not average build, a diaper style might be better. If he has edema or is on a diuretic, he may need a booster pad added to manage the volume of urine he produces overnight. These are two great resources with excellent customer service.

Sometimes urine overflow is related to the position of the penis in the incontinence underwear. Mom needs to make sure his penis is not pointed in a direction that allow urine to escape the top or leg holes easily. If he's one to self-adjust (super common behavior by the way), a one piece pajama may be needed to prevent this behavior. You can find them here.

Twin beds are a great solution, too. If you get a split king set-up, she could upgrade to a bed that can elevate head/feet as an excuse to not have a shared mattress.

To the question you didn't ask-

Your mom doesn't seem to be coping easily. She gave up her home rather than place her husband in memory care and yet she's still living the role of 24/7 caregiver without respite from that.

In many respects your story sounds very like mine. My parents were married 60 years. Mom was very reluctant to place dad. She knew he was dependent on her as his safe person. She didn't want to be judged by others for not honoring the "sickness and in health' clause of her marriage vows. She didn't want to spend the additional money as dad had lost a lot of money earlier in the disease. But she was miserable in the role of caregiver.

His care was killing her. The answer she needed, YMMV, was a professional team caring for dad in a dedicated MCF so she could return to the role of his doting wife. TBH, his caregivers were able to provide better care— he didn't resist their care and the team approach meant he always had a younger, well-rested and dementia trained professional seeing to him. Mom could come for meals, visits, parties and just love on him.

HB