Does It Start Over, And Over, And ....

howhale · January 19

It has been five months as of January 16 since my dear wife went to sleep for the last time holding my hands. The journey since has been difficult, painful, sleepless, guilt ridden, an abundance of tears at unexpected moments, lonely, oh so lonely and as the previous month began to wane, I found a day here or there when I did not cry. Wow, maybe I will survive Stage 8 and maybe I am making progress in my grief process. What a fool! The 16th came and went and then someone or something slapped me right across my head as if to say, "oh no buddy boy, you ain't done yet". The tears started flowing again almost unabated, not just occasionally unexpected. Hard as I try to think of her in better times, I am dragged back to the photos of her over the last few months. I try again to insist that I look at happy times, only to see her in the photos as she was near the end. Does this process just start over when it seems as if we have advanced forward? Does it know that we are moving and is not ready to allow that yet? I'll be starting a couple of grief processes very soon and will surely bring up my question. I do not want to lose all of my sorrow and sadness, as I fear I will lose her memories and I will not allow that to happen. The feelings in the latest episode are just as strong, truly painful and physically impactful as the beginning. It makes my heart hurt, my breath stop, my tears flow as if no time has passed. I know it has not been that long and many tell us that it may take years for some and I felt like five months was almost silly to consider. Boy, was I correct. There seems a sense that it knew I was moving too fast and I needed a clear reminder that I have much, much more grief to process and many more tears yet to fall down my face. Maybe it was just my dear wife giving me another sign and knew I probably was not listening again.

jfkoc · January 19

I do not believe that mourning ends. I think it becomes not as painful and not as all encompsing but it will decend upon us at the oddest times.

Memories, for me are not always helpful….even happy ones… can make me sad. I miss my husband. and think of him most every day.

What has helped me is to take baby steps into doing new things with people who were not a part of my past. No one asking "how are you doing".

This is not to say that old friends were not important. They remain important.

I promise you are going to be able to find your way but it can be slow. Trauma has to be worked through.

Biggles · January 19

Your grief makes me afraid for myself with all that you are saying. It’s a frightening sad thought I love my DH so deeply and all this caring has made me so responsible and such a loving part of my other half. Each of us never know how we are going to cope until the time comes. My very good friend lost her DH after a short fight with cancer 4 years ago she is still grieving and says outright that she lives in her bubble. She is not ready to come out, she doesn’t want to leave her grief behind, she doesn’t want to leave her DH behind. She has friends that offer friendship, a drive in the country, a cup of coffee and dinner but they understand and leave her in peace if she can’t manage it. Baby steps until you see the blue sky and sunshine again. My thoughts are with you.

jgreen · January 20

Dear @howhale I am so very sorry for you and your great loss! As I try to make it through one more day without tears, it is hard for me to imagine how much worse it will be after my DH is gone. I see a small loss each and every day, so how intense will those feelings be when the ‘final loss’ happens?

Right now my son and I are taking family pictures of the ‘good times’ so we can remember those. And we bought DH a digital farme for his birthday last November. We’ve uploaded favorites from our phones and I had about 50 from the past 50+ years digitized so we could add to the frame. DH is really enjoying it and at times I find him standing in front of the frame watching the slide show. I too am enjoying seeing us in ‘better times’ as well as recent ‘good’ times. I hope you will be able to cherish all your memories together.

I am of the belief that there will always be that empty space that can never be filled. Each of us will find a way to smooth the rough/sharp edges so we can carry on and honor those we’ve lost. As others have said - one step at a time and one day at a time. You are in my prayers.

BPS · January 20

I have wondered how I will deal with it when it comes. Right now I wish it could be over. She is not happy and is confused most of the time and mostly bedridden. Seams like there will be some relief along with the grief. Maybe if there is any relief it will be short term while the grief will be long term. I haven't been through it yet so I don't know. I have also wondered after dealing with this for over 10 years so far how do you ever have a "normal life". Right now I can't remember the happy times. I am sure I will be asking those of you in stage 8 how you did it.

annie51 · January 20

Everyone is unique in how they process their grief. Some want to remove everything that reminds them of their LO, or sell and move to another place, so as not to face the constant reminders of the life they had. For me, the constant reminders give me some measure of comfort, sometimes a chuckle, sometimes makes the tears come back again. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but I don’t want to wipe it from my memory either. As @BPS said, there is relief along with the grief. Relief that DH is free of the bonds of dementia, relief that the long road of watching him slowly disappear is over. The grief will be there for quite a while, but I think working at finding yourself again is the best way to move on from it.

@howhale I hope you will find a way to have the memories without feeling that you need to have the sorrow and sadness go along with it. Please seek the help of a grief support group to help you through this. I believe your DW would not want you to stay this way for too long. She loved you and would want you to live life again. Sending warm thoughts and a big hug.

SDianeL · January 20

yes, grief is like taking one step forward and 2 steps back. All normal. My sadness and grief is triggered by things. An old picture. His favorite food. A smell. Birds in the sky. A favorite song. No way to avoid all those things. I wouldn’t want to if I could. It does get easier but never goes away. I wouldn’t want it to. It’s been 17 months and I can now sometimes recall happy memories and smile without collapsing in tears. Hugs to all in this journey. 🙏💜

Metta · January 20

It has only been one month for me without my DH. I cry everyday. The only improvement is that the uncontrollable sobbing is less frequent.

I tried to accept an invitation to breakfast from a new friend after mass, and was surprised to find a couple join us at the table. Listening to their travel plans and fun things they want to do together triggered tears and I had to leave embarrassed. Fortunately I was on my way to a bereavement group where I walked in crying and everyone understood. What scares me is that there are people there still crying and broken after two years. I am afraid that will be me.

The bereavement group includes a book Life After Loss by Bob Deits. It seems helpful. I would recommend it.

At home, I still can’t throw anything away, even simple things like creams from hospice. I sleep in my DH’s t-shirts. It makes me feel better. I am terrified of not being able to keep the house. It makes me feel like he’s not completely gone. It was our home. I feel like I lost my whole world.

Goodlife2025 · January 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/263980#Comment_263980

I wish a had words that would help. Give yourself time and kindness…..

Does It Start Over, And Over, And ....

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