Aunt's caregiver guilt

Nicole5 · 1:20AM

My aunt has no children, no spouse, no partner, ever. She is the kindest human, but a loner. I am her caregiver; she was diagnosed with moderate dementia. I know it is not safe for her to live alone and I took her keys away months ago. She wasn't caring for herself, eating appropriately, taking her meds, and I watched her almost start a fire on the stove top. She was having hallucinations too. It is not sustainable for me to care for her at her home or mine; I work full time, have my own aging parents and 3 children. I moved my aunt into a wonderful memory care facility. I am her POA. The problem is the guilt I feel over this move. I know she is safe now. However, I have started going through her house in an attempt to get it ready to put on the market and I feel terrible going through her belongs. I visit my aunt once a week and speak to her on the phone once a week. She has been there almost 1 month and continues to ask when is she going home. I bring her little items from home and she tells me not to because she'll be leaving soon. I can redirect her, but the question continues. My aunt got ahold of a phone at her MC unit and called me repeatedly during the night, asking when I was coming to get her. I am literally planning to sell all of her belongs and home of 20 years and she doesn't know it. I continue to repeat she might not be happy, but she is safe- I just feel so terrible and guilty. I should mention I also had to take her cell phone because she would call myself and others at all hours. Additionally, I had to rehome her dog, who we discovered was being neglected by her, (the dog is currently thriving in the new home).

Did I do the right thing by putting her into MC? Should I be telling her that we need to sell the home and that I gave her dog away? Her sister, (also has dementia and is at not close to her) continues to tell me that I should have let her be, even if that meant her dying alone, unsafe in her home. I am crushed. I do not know if I am doing the right thing.

Thanks for listening and any thoughts. I hate this disease.

terei · 1:27AM

So it would have been better to have her stay at home and burn her house down around her? Try to distance yourself a little bit and think what you would advise a friend to do in the same circumstances. There are no perfect answers. You can only do what can to keep her safe and reasonably content. It is not your fault that she has this disease and you are doing the best you can given the choices you have. Take a deep breath, do a little meditation and turn off your phone.

SDianeL · 4:45AM

welcome. Sorry about your Aunt. Yes you did the right thing. You didn’t do it to her, you did it for her. To keep her safe and cared for. I would not tell her about the house. Just tell her she needs to stay there longer. Make up a fib. Blame it on the doctor or tell her the house is not safe to go home yet. No heat, plumbing repairs, etc. You will have to repeat the answer many times. I would no longer take her things from the house. Please don’t feel guilty. You are still her caregiver, just in a different role.

Victoriaredux · 7:19AM

"The problem is the guilt I feel over this move." When I looked up the word Guilt it said "noun: guilt

the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime."

Well that sure isn't the case , you are gifting your Aunt with your time, judgement , worry & care to keep her safe in as respectful a manner as you can. You didn't have to- the courts could have appointed a professional conservator/fiduciary who , for a quite hefty fee would be doing what you are doing.

It is a strange feeling going through another's possessions, I discovered things about family I never wanted to know , it was my task to do so but it always felt inappropriate- I put that down to having been raised to show respect and understand boundaries — but dementia changed the rules.

If a girlfriend got toasted while out with you - you may feel awkward but know you have to open her purse to get her keys out to get her safely back inside her place to sleep it off.

I agree don't bring her things from the home, if they have value they can be destroyed , lost , stolen . A few copies of photos or photos of loved art work may work . Mainly to help make her past more "real" to the MC staff. Personalize her .

When she asks about going home , it usually how a dementia patient is really asking when can things go back to how they were - they want to capture the feeling of safety. Keeping her calm and in moment will be the most helpful to her. Discussing details with her about the sale etc could create a topic that causes her to fixate and that would be painful for her. And makes a Loop-de-Loop you'll regret for a long time.

Your Aunt is fortunate to have you, and it is a great life lesson for your children to see how family can care for each other.

Quilting brings calm · 2:37PM

First, please ignore her sister when it comes to what is best for your aunt. Your aunt trusted you to make the decisions rather than her sister - that’s why she made you POA rather than her sister or your parents.

Second, you are doing the best thing for your aunt - and what your POA position requires -keeping her safe. This means both placing her where she can be cared for 24/7 and selling her home to provide her with the needed funds to do so.

Third - yes, this disease is terrible. We all wish we didn’t have to make decisions for our loved ones and wonder if they are the correct ones. We all wonder what their preferences would be- or we know - but their preferences are not what would keep them safe. The disease has forced our hand, requiring us to do what keeps them safe. We can no longer make them happy. Don’t feel guilty about doing what is best for them on top of feeling regretful about them not being cognitively whole.

Finally - remember that you are a person too and your life matters too. You need to do what keeps you mentally, emotionally and physically healthy or you won’t be able to do what you need to for your relatives. Remember - put your own oxygen mask on first.

Aunt's caregiver guilt

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