Sad for DH, sad for me

Maru · January 24

The other night when DH came in to visit and have his nightly glass of wine, he started talking about some money that was deposited from a small income source and then tried explaining to me why the money was so little. This income source was in the field he had spent his entire working career in, but he couldn't find the words he needed to tell me what he wanted to tell me and the words that he did say weren't enough to let me know what words he had forgotten. He finally got up from his chair and said sadly, "I just wanted to have a conversation with you." That just broke my heart. The memory of his sadness still brings tears to my eyes. This was the first time he has expressed sadness about his mental deterioration. A side note: this week he has started regularly putting things in odd places, so how can I still feel like the doctor got it wrong? When I speak I may say that DH has Alz, but my eyes , ears and heart still see the man he always was.

Ty for listening.

Sunfish47 · January 25

Heart breaking, just heart breaking … this is such a sad difficult journey.

BPS · January 25

I think seeing him as he always was is part of the heart break for most of us because we always want one more conversation, one more intimate moment, one more sign of caring, one more so many things that we will never have, but we keep on going doing what we need to do with less and less feeling. I hate this disease for what it is doing to her but also for what it is doing to me and how I feel. I feel selfish for even thinking what about me while she is suffering this disease but I do think what about me. I would never tell anyone outside this community how I feel. I guess because if I say to much I can always just not come back so the anonymity gives me the freedom to express my feelings.

tonyac2 · January 25

My DH was a music teacher, among many other things he did throughout our marriage. He had a beautiful singing voice, which I dearly miss. I try to get him to sing with me just so I can hear it again. So far, no luck. So many things I miss about him.

trottingalong · January 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264388#Comment_264388

I’m with you 100%

Karen711 · January 25

Those moments are so difficult Maru, and never fail to cut to the bone! I've accepted I'm not going to get that "one more conversation", so now I go along with the "conversation" I CAN get, which is mostly meandering on about things that make no sense but still feel conversational. Less and less does she look to me to help fill in the blanks for her. She still finds joy in hearing me retell some of the highlights of her career though, and talking about how great our dog is or how beautiful her garden is. So I am grateful we still have that. I used to wish she didn't have anosognosia so that we could share this journey together as the team we always were. Now it's as though the anosognosia has worn away and she is often hit with a deep realization of all she has lost. She is so sad, cries, calls herself stupid, and says she has nothing, and she's right. Except she still has me, but that's when I break, because having me no longer makes her feel any better. My heart goes out to you- this disease is so ….. you all fill in your own blanks.

Sending Hugs to you all!

💜

jgreen · January 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/264388#Comment_264388

I feel selfish for even thinking what about me while she is suffering this disease but I do think what about me?

Thank you @BPS for putting in writing what I’ve been feeling guilty about for so long. It feels like I am devoting 90-95% of the day to DH and taking what little time is left to do housework, pay bills, run errands, prepare meals, and (oh yes) a little self-care. I wish I could squeeze in a bit more time for myself, and then remember the time is coming that DH will be gone. That’s when the guilt hits the hardest!

Hugs! 💝

Ryansama · January 25

Sitting next to husband on the couch and he asked where I was.
I asked what do you mean?
Then he said I just want to know where she went.

Oh, well who am I?
Without a beat, he smiled and said Grandma.

Nope, I’m your wife. Oh, ok.

Ouch! 🥲 At least I know he loved his Grandma.

Sunfish47 · January 25

Yes, many times I leave the room for a minute, and come back in, and he asks “where did she go?”
“It’s me, your wife.
“No, where did the lady go?”’

This morning we’re watching Troll Hunters cartoons on Netflix. On Sunday mornings back in the day, we would watch the news shows and discuss complicated geopolitical issues. ☹️

White Crane · January 25

Alzheimer’s is indeed very sad. When I visit my dear husband in memory care, he tries so hard to tell me things. Things he wants me to know but he can’t get the words out. He ends up saying whatever, whatever. I try to decipher his meaning by his body language and the look his face, but I don’t do a very good job.

Sad for DH, sad for me

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