Explaining a move to Memory Care

ileanabeatriz · February 1

We will soon be taking our LO to MC and are deciding how to explain it. We are leaning towards a therapeutic lie about his old home being required to have asbestos removed (we have a realistic looking letter from the town explaining the mandate) - and so we found a great senior resort for him to live in during renovations - and where he will also be able to help other seniors in need of companionship etc (he has long been involved in community volunteering). We are also inclined not to mention anything until the day of the move (MC is located in a nearby town he likes and has kept a boat in).

Any view of this or alternate ideas welcome!

H1235 · February 1

It sounds to me like you have an excellent plan. It’s good your family is willing to work together and come up with a very reasonable plan. On the day of the actual move it might be best to get him out of the house (maybe have someone take him to lunch) and let family pack up what he will need. Maybe even take a drive after lunch so they have time to get his room all set up. Deciding what to bring would probably be stressful for him even with a lot of help from family. My brother insisted we tell mom a week in advance and said if she wants to bring something it must be important to her so we should bring it (you would not believe the things she wanted to bring). The whole thing was a nightmare for mom and me. I hope everything goes well.

annie51 · February 1

I agree that your plan sounds great. You have to go with a method based on your particular LO. For my DH, I tried a simple approach first to see how it would work. I just told him about a half hour before that we’ve been invited to lunch at a new place. I had a companion caregiver come the day before so I could bring clothes and personal items to his room and set it up (I had to pack it all up while he was sleeping). The MC was aware of the plan and when we got there, they showered him with hugs and said how nice it was to see him again. They whisked him inside and I quietly left. They showed him around a little, brought him to the dining room, sat with him for lunch. This worked for us, although it was VERY hard on me! I had a backup story to use if he asked about going home but he never did. They all react differently so go with your gut.

MN Chickadee · February 1

I would agree you are on the right track. Giving warning and discussing it beforehand often does more harm than good, depending on the phase they are in. Just leads to anxiety but not retaining the details or reasons. We used therapeutic fibs. The doctor wants you to stay here for ________ (insert thing that might seem plausible. To get stronger, physical therapy, get your blood pressure under control, etc) Others have used a problem with the house. Maybe you can go home in a few weeks, keep kicking that can down the road. We didn't tell mom ahead of time because her loop was extremely short, we just showed up there for lunch and after lunch explained she needed to stay here for a while. It was heartbreaking, and an awful day, I will never forget it. Worst day of my life, maybe even worse than when she died. But in the end it was what she needed, and she eventually settled in and thrived there for a few years. Just like dropping your first born at college or something, as painful as it was I knew it was what needed to happen and not optional. In the end it was ok. Adjustment takes time, and if their loop is short you may even find you are using different fibs depending on the day and mood. Saying whatever brings comfort is the key, the truth is basically useless and unkind once they reach a certain point.

Explaining a move to Memory Care

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