Late middle stage dementia

Al2024 · February 5

I need some advice about my GF of 13years. My GF's dementia has been getting worse over the last 6 years. We live in Florida. She is at the point that she didn't recognize me when I drove up to her in my golf cart. She also didn't recognize my son last month. She has left at least 1 pot burning on the stove. She has gotten lost at least once golf cart driving from my home to hers. She has a 10 min forgetfulness time. I've been doing her income tax for 4 years because she can't do anything complicated. She had a small accident that totaled her car so she no longer drives. Her son has come down from Maine and is staying with her. I asked him to call me to discuss her. He said OK, but never called me back. Due to the cold and her having been sick we haven't seen each other for a week. I'm in my 80s and can no longer handle taking care of her. (I have medical issues) Also, get stressed out by her forgetfulness and condition. Also, I get stressed out by her forgetfulness and condition. I have a plan and would like your advice on it and any other suggestions you might have. My plan is to call her and lovingly tell her that she and her son have to sell house and go into an ALF. And we can no longer have a relationship until she does that and moves to an ALF either here or in Maine. We'll stop calling and seeing each other. I have not wanted to hurt her, but doing this will hurt her because I'm the only friend she has here. For a week I haven't been sleeping well and at times I get very sad. Thanks for any responses to my plan.

easy23 · February 5

Sorry to hear of your dilemma. Who has your girlfriend’s power of attorney? That would be the decision-maker. I would try to talk to her son again. Your plan is good except I wouldn’t break up with her. She won’t remember. Just let her move to memory care.

SDianeL · February 5

Welcome. So sorry about your GF. It's a heartbreaking disease. We understand how you feel. I would try to talk to the son again. You can read some of the posts here to him or tell him to call the Alzheimer's toll free number 800-272-3900 for resources in Florida or Maine. She needs a Memory Care facility not an ALF. An ALF is not locked & secure and does not have 24/7 care she needs. She needs Memory Care which is a locked facility so she can't wander and is staffed 24/7 by caregivers experienced caring for dementia patients. Her son should decide whether to move her to Maine near him. It would be better if she moved to Maine to be near family to oversee her care. It's extremely difficult to manage care from a distance. Another issues is cost. Medicare does not pay for long term care. Medicaid does but she would have to qualify. Her son needs to meet with an Elder Care Attorney to find out what his options are for MC in Florida or Maine. Each state administers it's own Medicaid and the rules vary by state. Tell her son it's urgent that you speak with him about her long term care. Tell him to come to this online community for answers and support. Your GF's safety depends on having 24/7 care asap.

H1235 · February 5

Since the son is probably the decision maker, I’m not sure telling him what he needs to do is the right approach. I have attached a staging tool. I would suggest filling this out by checking off the symptoms you are seeing and giving it to him. I would express your very grave concern that she is not able to care for herself and live alone. If he refuses to listen or will not even talk with you, you might need to consider adult protective services. So sorry you are going through this.

DBAT.pdf

Al2024 · February 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265352#Comment_265352

Thank you for telling me about Adult protective services.

Al2024 · February 5

Thank you for the Assessment Tool. I texted him and he hasn't called - yet? I don't think he's very bright.

Al2024 · February 5

You're right. She does need to go into Memory Care, now that you told me. But I have to take it slowly. When I mention ALF she gets very defensive and says there's nothing wrong with her. I guess she forgets what she forgot.

H1235 · February 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265355#Comment_265355

I have another link for you. Most people with dementia have anosognosia. This is the inability to recognize her symptoms or limitations. Discussing these issues with her will probably not go well. Trying to get a loved one to understand they need more care will generally not work. Some even become uncharacteristically angry. To the point that the person with the DPOA needs to just make the decision regarding care and living arrangements and make it happen without consulting and usually not even telling the person with dementia until the day of the move.

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Al2024 · February 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265364#Comment_265364

WoW!! Anosognosia?? OMG!! More? Her son who's here actually stole $66000 from her in 2021 . I told her then, but she didn't want to hear it, so I don't say anything now.I need to get away from all this.

trottingalong · February 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265368#Comment_265368

I would just stay away. You have attempted to contact the son twice and he hasn’t responded. For your own health it’s best to walk away. She’s at the point of not recognizing or remembering people and the responsibility lands on her family. If you find that he has left and she’s alone, I would call adult protective services.

M5M · February 6

Trottingalong is right……someone needs to step up, but you have no legal authority and need to protect your own health. You have done your best in reaching out to the son, but he has shown his true colors because he doesn't respond and just incidentally stole $66,000 from his mother a few years back. At least in my state (not Fla nor Maine) there is a process where you can make an anonymous referral to a local judge —the one who hears adult protective cases—and if your referral letter is documented well, it should be taken seriously, there can be a guardianship hearing and the person placed in care with a court appointed guardian. You likely need to talk with Adult Protective Services, or an attorney to learn the procedure in Florida. You need to think about and document the many situations you have mentioned here, and whatever more that you know about. You could also decide to leave one last message for the son that you will need to report her situation to Adult Protective Services, so he can't say "he didn't know she was in such a bad state".

Late middle stage dementia

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