Mother with late stage alzheimers and hostile stepdad caregiver

jackalope · February 1

My stepdad is caring for my mother in another state. Though he is wonderful to her, he has been hostile to everyone around her, resulting in isolating my mother. He is not an active listener, super hard of hearing, and bipolar. Therefore I have not been able to get any specific details of her progression.
I have read things on this site like for example (stage 6), but I just don't know what it means.
He has finally called for help and now I may have a chance to help my mom.
Help! What do I do? Can I talk to her doctor? Anything you can tell me will help. How do i start without the proper information?

Maru · February 1

Her doctor is not legally permitted to talk to you about her condition without permission. She may be able to give it. Everything really depends on who has her POA, which may be her husband. If they do not have all that legal work in place, she may still be able to give permission. That depends on her condition. If she is really stage 6 she may not be able to do so. This is really a legal issue. I am sorry you find yourself in this difficult positon.

Chance Rider · February 1

@jackalope

I’m glad you’ve found this community though sorry for your need to be here.

Given your stepdad’s disposition and challenges interacting with him, I’d be inclined to ask him how you can best support him, are there specific things he’d like help with? An example: my stepson recently offered to take his father for a weekend. Normally a great offer, however what I really needed (and had asked for) was physical help cleaning out 26 years of his father’s junk in our garage.

I’ve attached a link to an assessment tool many of us use to determine stages as well as associated behaviors. (If the link doesn’t work try searching this site for DBAT).

This group is an excellent resource, don’t hesitate to reach out. I hope things go well with helping your mom/stepdad

https://alzconnected.org/api/v2/media/download-by-url?url=https%3A%2F%2Fus.v-cdn.net%2F6037576%2Fuploads%2F8ZG8PKJN5AYY%2Fdementia-behavioral-assessment.pdf

SDianeL · February 2

As MARU said without Medical POA you can’t talk to her doctors. She may not be able to give you permission. You would need to work through your Step Dad. Doctors aren’t much help for caregivers. Learn all you can about the disease. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search online for dementia caregiving videos by Tam Cummings or Teepa Snow. They will help you understand. It’s going to be very difficult to help care for your Mom from far away. So sorry you are going through this.

H1235 · February 2

If he is asking for help, what kind of help is he looking for? Does he want help finding a facility for her, help figuring out finances and how to pay for a facility, does he want you to visit more often to give him breaks, help finding in home aid, help with house work? I agree you should learn all you can about dementia, but you really need to figure out what he is hoping you can do. I would try to have an open, honest discussion with him about this. If he tends to be a bit grumpy, you don’t want to over step. Asking for help is probably a big step for him. Usually a local commission on aging will have information on resources available in the community for the elderly. You might be able to show him how to order groceries and have them delivered. It’s hard to give suggestions without knowing what he is expecting. I have attached a few more resources.

understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

Anosognosia and Dementia - AgingCare.com.pdf

Victoriaredux · February 5

To be blunt, while he loves your Mom , with his health situation how much runaway does he have left in him to keep providing care in house? Dementia care pushes anyone to their max.

Is he developing memory issues of his own? Can he safely drive- how and what groceries do they have, current on Dr visits ?, meds? etc

Have you visited recently? That better than anything will fill in what is needed and what he can do. Check for freshness of food, bill paying [its tax month - think he is on top of it?]

If he is going to be needing care/oversight also at some point does he have adult children that may want to help, be involved.

ARIL · February 6

Isolating your mom is not good care. Not at all. I agree that visiting and seeing for yourself (overnights too) would give you a good sense of the actual situation.

So sorry. I have dealt with a stepparent who was supposedly providing care but whose own issues were actually worse than my parent’s then midstage dementia. It’s very hard.

Mother with late stage alzheimers and hostile stepdad caregiver

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