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The Long Goodbye has come to an end

Vitruvius
Vitruvius Member Posts: 458
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

I have lost my wonderful, clever, beautiful wife, lover, and life partner. There was no Hallmark ending for us. Her active dying, as they call it, was the worst 3+ weeks of my life.

Watching my DW die like this was excruciating. They of course assured me that it was peaceful for her, as they always tell LOs to try to make us feel less traumatized. No hope for that, I’m scarred for life and she looked utterly miserable after refusing food and then water.

After slowly wasting away for a year in Stage 7f of Semantic Dementia, she died of extreme [refractory] cachexia and, in the many final days, of dehydration. It was agonizing to witness. The hospice doctor, nurses and MCF staff all told me it is very uncommon that anyone gets this far along languishing in a minimally conscious state during much of Stage 7f dementia. I hope none of you have a LO that gets this far.

Despite the painfully long end, I know we were more fortunate than some. We’ve had very few of the problems others are facing. My DW, although confused and agitated during the later stages, was never really difficult or mean. Although she no longer knew exactly who I was, she always treated me as her special person and told me she loved me. For this at least I will be grateful that dementia didn’t take away her kindness to me. 

Sitting by her bedside day after day I held her near lifeless hand and hoped it provided some comfort. About two weeks before she passed, remarkably it seemed fairly clear that she was trying to speak after nearly a year of little consciousness nor speaking a word. Quite surprisingly she opened her eyes and she deliberately moved her lips, I’d like to believe she silently mouthed “I love you”.

Comments

  • Jeff H
    Jeff H Member Posts: 51
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    I'm so sorry for your loss. We all are. She is at peace now and hopefully you can be too. God Bless.

  • tonyac2
    tonyac2 Member Posts: 205
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    @Vitruvius I am so sorry for your loss of your wonderful wife. I’m sure it did provide her comfort to hold her hand. I’m sad for what you both went through these past few weeks. She isn’t suffering this horrible disease anymore, rest knowing she did love you and you gave her great care. Prayers.

  • Goodlife2025
    Goodlife2025 Member Posts: 235
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    I believe she did tell you she loved you. Hang on to that memory always. So very sorry for your loss Vitruvius; may stage 8 be kind to you.

  • Chance Rider
    Chance Rider Member Posts: 228
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    I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear wife and sorry that her passing was so difficult. I, too, believe she knew you were by her side and that she was telling you she loved you. Please try to take care of yourself now.

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 933
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    @Vitruvius Im sorry the passing of your dear wife wasn’t the experience you had hoped for her. My father passed similarly, no food or water for two weeks. It was not easy. Treasure the good times and know you truly honored her through all the years of care you gave.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 2,993
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    so sorry for your loss. She was lucky to have you in her life. Her suffering is over. May she rest in peace. I’m praying for your strength and comfort in the coming days 🙏💜

  • Jgirl57
    Jgirl57 Member Posts: 787
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    So very sorry and may she rest in peace. I believe that is indeed what she was telling you. (((Hugs))) to you and your family.

  • GothicGremlin
    GothicGremlin Member Posts: 1,377
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    @Vitruvius I am so very sorry, but I'm glad that both of you have some peace now. One thing for sure - I absolutely believe that she mouthed "I love you" to you.

    I've thought about the two of you often and I remember when your wife and my sister were on a similar trajectory, and Peggy's been gone almost two years now.

    You've been so strong and such a wonderful caregiver, please take care of yourself now as you navigate stage 8.

  • Joe C.
    Joe C. Member Posts: 1,024
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    Vitruvius, My sincere condolences on the passing of your wife. May you find peace in the days ahead.

  • A. Marie
    A. Marie Member Posts: 135
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    Vitruvius, I'm so sorry—for your loss itself, for the long, long period of decline that led up to it, and for the utter misery of these past few weeks. But you have been an absolutely steadfast husband and caregiver throughout the ordeal, and your wife's sufferings are over at last. As one person in stage 8 to another, I wish you peace and rest.

  • RetiredTeacher
    RetiredTeacher Member Posts: 323
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    What a wonderful love you must have shared and the ultimate proof of that is your unending care and compassion for her. I am very sorry for the long protracted goodbye. I do believe our LOs know we are there and there us comfort in that even if they cannot show it. She is no longer suffering and is now in a better place. Hoping you can find some peace in stage 8. Hugs and prayers

  • Call me Gram
    Call me Gram Member Posts: 113
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    So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

  • CMC62
    CMC62 Member Posts: 34
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    So sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you move forward.

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 563
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    No words can erase the loss you feel right now but I hope there is some comfort in that we’re all here grieving with you. I’m so sorry it was such a long and painful journey. I applaud you for finding things to be grateful for even through your pain. Maybe she rest in peace as she remains in your heart. ❤️

  • marier
    marier Member Posts: 137
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    My heart goes out to you and sending you hugs.

  • Beachfan
    Beachfan Member Posts: 833
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    Vitruvius, when I occasionally visit this site, I look for your post with my heart in my throat. Today my heart breaks for you. Your journey has been long and sad. I wish you peace and comfort today and in all the days ahead. “Grief is the price we pay for loving”- - how true, how sad, but how true. Thinking of you and your DW with a prayerful heart. 🙏🏻❤️

  • Kat63
    Kat63 Member Posts: 212
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    So sorry for the loss of your DW. I hope you find comfort in knowing she is at peace now and your beautiful memories of her sustain and comfort you in the days ahead.

  • jgreen
    jgreen Member Posts: 214
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    Dear @Vitruvius

    Hugs and prayers for you and your family. May eternal light shine upon your dear wife and may she rest in peace. You are a loving and faithful husband and caregiver. I hope you will find comfort in knowing you were there for her until the end. May you find rest and peace in the coming days. And do check in with us and let us know how you are doing.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 1,138
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    i’m so sorry for the loss of your dear wife and for when you both went through the last few weeks. My heart goes out to you and I pray you find peace in the coming weeks.

  • Momx3
    Momx3 Member Posts: 48
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    So very sorry for the loss of your DW. Prayers form comfort and peace.

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 366
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    So sorry her passing was so agginizing. Hopefully you both have peace now.🤎

  • CindyBum
    CindyBum Member Posts: 660
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    I am so terribly sorry for your loss and the hard ending. Please be gentle with yourself as you move into Stage 8. We're here for you.

  • JeriLynn66
    JeriLynn66 Member Posts: 1,329
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    May you find peace in knowing you were by your Dear Wife’s side and did everything you could to love and cherish her. I firmly believe she opened her eyes to tell you she loved you one more time.

  • wose
    wose Member Posts: 359
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    I’m so sorry for the profound loss of your Dear Wife. You’ve been through so much. Your love speaks volumes thru your posts. I can’t imagine how hard the end was for you but you were there and I too believe she knew and tried to tell you how much she adored you. My prayers are with you and your family.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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