Valentine's Day when it feels more arrows than wings

Victoriaredux · February 8

Came across a touching article about VDay as a caregiver. Posted on a site with a lot of politics & has a religious bent so I'm not posting the link, but easy to find .

Just search for "When you’re carrying the love alone on Valentine’s Day Peter Rosenberg"

{hugs to everyone}

RetiredTeacher · February 8

Another take on Valentines Day. Although it will not be the same as romantic Valentines Days of the past 40 yrs, i have decided i want one more VDay with my DH. There is a Valentines Dinner special at a local steak house we used to go to. I know we will both enjoy the food and I will remember the good times of yrs gone by. I dont know how many more Valrntine's Days we have left and while he is still able to feed himself and sit up in a booth, I wasn't one more Hurrah. I have realistic expectations,: hobbling to the table, stowing the walker during dinner, a zillion trips to the bathroom and watching so he can find his way back, ordering for him, cutting his steak and watching him suck his fingers that always get messy…..Years ago that scenario would have really put me off and I wouldn't imagine going....Now I am looking forward to one more Valenine's date with my DH.

howhale · February 9

Oh how I envy your strength in having one more Valentine's day with your loved one. As this next one in 2026 arrives, it will be the first without my dear wife. I think I lacked your strength to just put aside my embarrassment(?) and go out to eat a last time. Now, I cannot do that and it becomes one of my lasting regrets which I cannot undo. Enjoy your dinner, ignore others and relish that moment and the memories it will create. You are an example for others and a strong, loving caregiver for your husband.

annie51 · February 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265598#Comment_265598

Very beautiful post. You have so much strength to do this.

annie51 · February 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75313/valentine-039-s-day-when-it-feels-more-arrows-than-wings

Wow, I just read that article. I’m trying to write this through my tears. Thank you for sharing it.

trottingalong · February 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75313/valentine-039-s-day-when-it-feels-more-arrows-than-wings

I found it and it was beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing

Goodlife2025 · February 11

I just read it. I will be thinking about that Valentine's Day card after all. Thank you for posting.

howhale · February 11

Valentines Day for me has always been about making sure my dear wife knew how much I loved her, even as I often failed to tell her enough day to day. So, to do that I began writing her poems from the start, 57 years ago, to hopefully show her that I put thought into my words. Sadly, I lost her last August, 2026 so this will be the first Valentines Day I cannot look into her eyes and watch her face as she reads my words. I will not let it go by without completing my tradition, as I try so hard to hold onto them all. I wrote a new poem for her, went to the cemetery and read it to her on a quiet, sunny, cool, day with the wind blowing gently on my face as the tears flowed and the birds flew all around us again and again. I cannot see her face, the twinkle in her eyes, the smile as it starts and spreads across her face just before she grasps me in her arms with a huge hug. But, I can stand with her and read my words to her and believe that she hears me and the circling flocks of birds help carry them to her. This path we travel is hard, painful, seemingly forever and unforgiving but we did it. We were caregivers for a loved one and that is an honorable, respected, trusted role done in pure service to them. Only we know the secrets behind the curtain all others saw and only we know that our pain comes from that experience. Never to go away, never to be forgotten, never to fade into darkness, never to be replaced but only to be carried forward with us forever.

Call me Gram · February 11

Thank you to Victoriaredux for beginning this thread, and to all of you for your insights! In choosing to reframe your circumstances, you have sprinkled in some joy for yourselves and your loved ones, and you have inspired the rest of us to step back and see how we might do the same!

"Caregiving requires reframing. Not denial or pretending. Not putting on a happy face. Reframing means stepping back far enough to see the relationship writ large, not merely through the narrow lens of present limitations." — Peter Rosenberger, TheBlaze

After reading your posts and Rosenberger's article, I was inspired to search through my mother-in-law's old recipes and find one my DH keeps talking about. He loved her lemon bars, so I made them this morning. While my mother-in-law, Mamaw, had a touch that I cannot emulate, I hope the lemon bars I made can at least help DH to recall the love and devotion Mamaw put into hers. They are cooling right now… I will let you know how they turned out.

howhale · February 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265806#Comment_265806

Trying to duplicate a loved one's recipes is a great way to say "I love you" to the one lost and to ones still with us. Some of my daughters are often trying to do that and get very close and the odors, the tastes and just the sight often brings tears but so much love for my dear wife, their mother. I think those suffering this horrible disease might just recognize those smells, taste and sights even as they are lost to us.

MaryMN · February 11

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265803#Comment_265803

What a beautiful testament to the love you and your wife shared.

Call me Gram · 12:35PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/265818#Comment_265818

Thank you! "Mamaw's Lemon Bars" were quite a treat and well worth the effort.

It sounds like you have some wonderfully caring daughters! What a blessing.

trottingalong · 4:33PM

Beautifully written.

Goodlife2025 · 5:12PM

Thank you this conversation inspired me to ask DW her favorite food memory from her childhood. Sparked a lovely exchange between us and it looks like ham and potato soup will be on our menu soon. 🧡

Valentine's Day when it feels more arrows than wings

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