Afraid
My DH diagnosed with Alzheimer's has become increasingly agitated, even on meds. We meet with a neurologist every 6 months and the agitation has been ongoing for several years, although not this extreme. On Friday the neurologist nurse and I had a phone conversation to discuss the agitation, she suggested calling 911 or going to the ER if the agitation got too hard to handle. We ended up at the ER on Saturday and he is now in a Geriatric Psych Hospital. The police got involved when my DH told a nurse in ER he would kill me when he got out.
My DH is 71 and we have only been together since 2019. Last year we discussed divorce but didn't pursue it as I was afraid of losing assets and possibly having to hire a guardian or even alimony. Now I'm afraid of what might happen when he's released from GeriPsych. He's young and active enough that I don't know if Memory Care would be a good fit but I also don't know if I will ever be comfortable bringing him home.
Any suggestions appreciated. I value the knowledge of the members here. Thank you.
Comments
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Hello and so sorry this is happening to you.
I'm sure others with much more experience will weigh in, but here are my thoughts.
You know how they always say that safety of our loved ones needs to be top priority? Well, that loved one needs include ourselves, first and foremost. We can not care for others if we aren't taking care of ourselves.
The picture of caring for your husband may look different, changed, but even with him in a MC facility you will be caring for him by being his advocate. That is quite a task too.
Yes, if it were me, I would make arrangements for him to go directly to a MC facility when discharged.
Take care of yourself. Will be sending good thoughts and much strength your way.
Hugs,
M
6 -
Facilities can have a waiting list. I would not put off looking around at your options and possibly even getting him on a list. Make sure the deposit is refundable. If you decide to bring him home, his name can remain on the list if you change your mind. Memory care is expensive! Is it financially doable? Will you need Medicaid? Does Medicaid cover mc in your state? Do you have DPOA? It might be a good idea to see a lawyer. If you do bring him home a well thought out backup plan should be a priority. Take care of yourself.
4 -
My situation is almost identical and my DH is in a special program where they experiment with medications to reduce is aggression and agitation. In his case Medicare is covering his stay because it is transitional care after being in the hospital. I am being advised to put him in memory care and yes it is expensive and not covered by insurance or medicare. I am also lining up in home care. I think I could afford around the clock care and still pay less and get better care than I would if I sent him to memory care. We will be eligible for medicaid once we are broke.
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Dear @pjswiftwater
Welcome and so sorry you have to be here. Glad you found us.
While your DH is in the hospital get with a case worker or social worker immediately. Let them know your situation and find out about your options. See what MCs are available and will they accept patients with your DH’s level of agitation?
An Elder Care attorney should be able to help you navigate the Medicaid application process. Hopefully MC facilities in your state accept Medicaid. I agree with @H1235 that you also need to get durable power of attorney and healthcare surrogate paperwork taken care of.
Your health and safety are your top priority. “Put on your oxygen mask first” then help your DH.
Sending hugs and prayers your way. 💝 🙏
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I agree with others that if the doctors can’t adjust the medication to keep you safe, you have no option but to place him. I would call your attorney and discuss it. Get him on a waitlist now and keep him in hospital until the doctor can guarantee that he is not a threat to you and others.
3 -
While memory care is typically for much older folks, my dh has been in care since the week after he turned 60. He's younger than the average, but not noticeably younger than some others. Once people build relationships, age differences become less noticeable, which is one of the reasons some advocate not visiting for the first couple of weeks, so their loved one has time to begin building those new relationships.
4 -
Followup
I saw my DH in GeriPsych yesterday and he is miserable. Just wants to come home, can't remember what he did or why he's there but apologized for everything. And he thinks he's 90 (he's 71.)
Because of what he said and the police getting involved, our situation was reported to an Elder Protection service and I met with someone from there yesterday. He was very concerned and adamant that my DH not come home and expressed great concern for my safety.
I am so confused. What if my husband really didn't say what was reported in the ER (he would kill me when released?) My DH is miserable right now being secured in GeriPsych and I feel like I have taken away everything from him. I was trying to figure how to build some additional space for me in our home so I could eventually bring him back and have 24/7 care while still maintaining some privacy for me (we live in a very small space) but that couldn't happen immediately and would be SO expensive. And his Mother's funeral is in May and I have no idea where he will be at that time, how to get him to the funeral and stay safe, and how to get him back wherever he is without having a complete meltdown.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Dear @pjswiftwater
Listen to the man from Elder Protection! They are experienced and are seeing through non-partisan eyes.
Your first and foremost job is to be safe! Whether or not your DH is ‘miserable’ he is safe and being cared for.
Work with Elder Protection and your Elder Care Attorney to figure out options for placement for your DH. It sounds like he should be someplace that is locked and has caregivers who will see he is on the right combination of medications to reduce the agitation and aggression. That will give you time to take care of your affairs and home and to think about if or when he can come back home.
Please take care of yourself! If something were to happen to you who then will look after yourself DH?
Keep giving us updates. Sending you lots of prayers and a BIG hug!
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I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think you need to work to change your perspective on all of this. First of all you are not doing this to your husband! Dementia is the cause of all this. Next, we all want our loved ones to be happy, with dementia that may not be possible. Your husband is not well! Taking him to attend his mother’s funeral is not realistic! Bringing him home is not realistic! I know this is incredibly difficult and heartbreaking, but (sorry if this is too harsh) you need to come to grips with the reality of the situation. He needs memory care!
6 -
My wife was in MC for about 6 months when her mother died. I did not take her to the funeral. She has never been aggressive but I knew it would be hard for her to go and she wouldn't remember. Since then she has asked if her mother died and I tell her yes but that was a long time ago just like my mom and dad. She even says her mom came and visited sometimes. Time and knowing who has been there is very different for people with dementia. You need a plan. Maybe place him for a month or two to see if the medication is going to help, then decide if it is best to make it permanent or bring him home. You would have more time to figure things out.
5 -
Venting is good and sometimes the only thing to get us through! I would forget about his mother's funeral…it would be so hard on him (and you) plust he most likely won't understand and will forget that she had passed away. Yesterday, my HWD thought that I was his mother (she has been gone for 3 yrs)…
Good luck with whatever you decide to do…It is so confusing…especially with the guilt that we all feel…but only you know what will work in your situation.
2 -
Why would you think a medical professional would make up a story accusing your DH of threatening you?
PWD can and do harm their caregivers. It's ultimately why I insisted mom place dad— he thought he was dying and was ideating a murder-suicide saying he and mom "did everything together".
This happened locally a few years back. Not only did this PWD strangle his own wife, but she'd also been his advocate and without her looking out for him he succumbed to a urosepsis not long after.HB
PS You aren't doing this to him— the disease is.2
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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