Slipping Away

AzCrazy Diamond · March 2

My spouse, so long as I have known her (14 years) has always been somewhat reality-challenged, fabricating things in her brain (much about me) that just isn't true, and resisting all attempts to impart truth. It just made her very angry to threaten the fictional world view. It's been frustrating, but tolerable so long as she keeps it to herself.

Things have been getting steadily worse, in fits in spurts, 3 steps back, 2 forward. For ten years now she has been obsessively consuming (pick a color) fake news station, believing it all to be real. I ignore the mindless regurgitation, which angers her, and if she insists on discussing, and I present facts and truths inconsistent with that worldview, more anger. With more such anger and depression, she further withdraws into the (pick a color) fictional world. The amount of time we spend doing things together (even just watching TV) has decreased, to the point where she is spending all day by herself in the bedroom watching (pick a color) fake news station.

She was clear up front that her family has a history of dementia and it would likely eventually affect her. I knew there would be a gradual loss of reality and increased isolation, which makes it worse. I figured eventually she would want to have little to do with me or any others, but at least we are still in the same house where we can watch out for each other. Maybe eventually she won't be able to live here anymore and there has been discussion of getting her a separate residence, if she'd feel more content, safe, calm that way. I don't know if that'd be a good idea or compromise or accommodation, or if it would make things worse.

I think her memory function right now is age-appropriate, though her inability to acknowledge any memory or reality issues is a problem. The first step to getting better is acknowledge that one needs help, but I don't see that ever happening. It's just easier to blame everyone else (mostly me). My main concern right now is that she is drifting further from reality and I'm not sure how to handle it. For lack of any ideas that won't anger her more, I just say nothing, because there has never been anything I can say that doesn't anger her more.

If yall just let me vent that's cool, but if anyone has any idea that might help plz let me know.

terei · March 2

Forget the idea that she will acknowledge that she ‘needs help’. Not going to happen. That is probably one of the primary features of dementia. Not clear whether you have any diagnosis. You may want to use some ruse to get her to the doctor to be assessed(send the doctor a note detailing your observations prior to the appointment)

Separate residences would not be a long term solution since the disease is progressive and she will come to the point where she can no longer do simple daily tasks….cooking, dressing, bathing etc

Saying nothing or little in response to her delusions is a useful approach, but I think you need a doctor so you can possibly get meds that could help manage the situation.

easy23 · March 2

Does she have a psychiatrist for her mental illness? If she does, that would be the person to consult. People with delusional disorders often don't realize they are sick. The same with dementia patients. It sounds like she needs an antipsychotic medication. Good luck!

H1235 · March 3

Anosognosia is the inability to recognize their symptoms or limitations. It is tough! Trying to reason with her and use logic will probably not be effective. It’s often said here that it’s best to let them live in their own reality. Whether she has dementia or another mental health issue her brain is not functioning properly. If she tells you about something totally off the wall respond with, “oh I hadn’t heard that” or “interesting, I didn’t know that”. It is so hard to not engage, but it will make things easier for both of you. A person with dementia is not safe to live on their own for very long. You may want to consider assisted living.

SDianeL · March 3

2 things I learned here are: 1) never argue with someone with dementia and 2) you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. So don’t even try. Can you use parental controls to control what TV stations she watches. I found that my husband thought the news was happening to him. It agitated him and caused hallucinations. See if she will watch old comedy shows, musicals or music videos. I would speak to an attorney and get DPOA and HIPPA forms signed. Tell her it’s because you’re both getting older. Ask the attorney about long term care options while protecting your assets in your state. If she has dementia she will need 24/7 long term care at some point. I would start planning for that now.

dayn2nite2 · March 3

I guess my thought is "why are you injecting "reality" if she is not there? You're making things harder than they need to be. If you can't join her where she is, at least be agreeable "okay", "mmm-hmmm" "oh really" and keep it moving.

See if there is a retro channel on that shows old series and put it on. You don't have to watch the news all the time, see if she gets interested. If not, let her be in her room watching whatever she wants. Is she on an antidepressant? Does she have a psychiatrist? Both can be helpful. If she won't see one, you can, and get a prescription for yourself. Antidepressants help.

AzCrazy Diamond · March 6

She will not see any mental health professional.

I have been using the “hmm, really?” and “that’s awful” vanilla responses for years. Prevents a total dust up. But on occasion she asks a direct question and if I give a direct answer it’s bad, if I dodge the q it’s worse,

We are drafting DPOAs. My assets are covered (pun intended). I am leaving her enough $ that should provide her care for life.

I am also thinking the second residence wouldn’t work because she can’t have any workers here, inside or out, if I’m not here.

Blocking the channel won’t work. She could get it a buncha other ways anyway. That ^%#}} is everywhere, aggravating an already serious mental health crisis.

I have my own mental problems, but diagnosed and effectively treated. My problem is memory loss, from the treatment, but I got my head screwed on tight and I know fact from fiction. Her memory is actually better than mine.

Slipping Away

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