Stage 8 - One Month In

Hi all. It's a little hard to believe it's been a month since my DW passed. I'm still in the stage of trying to wrap my head around it — I'll never see her in person again. I have cried and cried some more, but honestly, my biggest feelings have been relief and gratitude.

Relief she isn't suffering like she was. Relief that I don't have to watch her suffering, with no real ability to help her beyond pumping her with drugs. Gratitude for the life we had together, the love we shared, all the gifts she gave me in my own growth, and even gratitude for the honor of caregiving her. I now know I gave every ounce of love I had for her, to her, and don't know how to feel anything but gratitude and love for the spirit that let me.

I remembered this past weekend when my DW's mother passed. She was incredibly close to her mother and was her caregiver as she drifted off to dementia in her late 80's into her 90's. My DW's connection with her was remarkable and she was so afraid to lose her, but, when her mother passed she didn't cry. My poor DW could not understand why she wasn't despondent. Now I know why.

She had be grieving her for years as her mom lost herself to this awful disease, just like I have been grieving the loss of my DW for years and years. I miss her like crazy. I'd take her back without the dementia in less than an heartbeat. But, I'm not despondent. I know I'll be ok.

What I really, really am waiting for is the good memories to return and they've started, which gives me such warm feelings. But, images of her, and my own, suffering still rule the roost for now. I feel like I know the memories of her as a bright light, exuding warmth, love and caring will come back again. Her spirit is a beautifully strong one and it will reside in me for the rest of my days.

Hang in there, everyone.