How do you hold it together and respond kindly?

shiawase12 · March 5

Hi there - I think i mostly need to vent ... again. <sigh>

My 73 year old DH has Alz. My best guess is early to mid stage 5. He still does all of his self care and small projects around the house. Although some tasks he really seems to obsess over. Like where the cats are, or cleaning constantly. He has difficulty with technology and I do all family business, meals and such now.

Anyway, what gets me is some of the things he says.

Such as "Would have been nice if you had told me that. " or " That's the first I've heard that from you. " or "You didn't share that with me before. " When actually I have, sometimes numerous times and he's just forgotten.

Or the "I knew what I was going to say in my head, but then when I try to talk to you I freeze up! I was talking to xxx (insert any friends name) just fine, but I come in and try to talk to you and get nervous." With the usual addon of "I know you think it's my head. "

How do I not take it personally? I get so frustrated after changing my cadence, making explanations shorter /easier, repeating what I just said etc. Still getting met with "Just say that. " or "wow,wow,wow, you have all this in your head and have all this info that you haven't shared so just ..."

And if I lose it and show some frustration in my voice he says I'm angry at him.

Yes! I'm angry at this disease for taking our retirement from us. I'm depressed and find it hard to motivate myself to do much. I find myself not even wanting to have a conversation with him because I know it will escalate into this usual exchange. Ughhhh!!

Thanks again as always for letting me vent. At least I know this group understands

jgreen · March 5

Hi, @shiawase12 I can sooooooooo relate! Here is what is working (sometimes) for me:

I found Dr. Camille Sinclair videos online. She is a neuropsych and, for me, does a good job explaining the different behaviors and how to respond to our LOs. I learned that dementia affects the frontal lobe where all reasoning, planning, organizing, and ‘executive function’ takes place. When that part of the brain is affected the ‘emotional’ part of the brain takes over. So what I am learning is that I need to respond to DH’s emotions. So if he is angry or frustrated I need to be calm and gentle to help bring down some of his stress. Saying “I’m so sorry about forgetting to tell you about ……. I got busy with making lunch and just now remembered. How about we do…….?” Dr. Sinclair says to acknowledge what your DH is saying, offer some reassurance and maybe an option you know he will accept.

What you/we are going through is so very frustrating! And I do snap back at DH when I’ve crossed over into ‘ENOUGH ALREADY’!!!!! And then he gets angrier and things go downhill. Someone on here mentioned a band on their wrist that they would snap when their frustration gets to that point. It serves as a reminder to respond to the emotional part of the brain and not the logical part. I might have to start wearing one myself.

Hang in there! Sending you a big hug! 💝

Just found this video by Dr. Sinclair - posted today.

https://www.youtube.com/feed/history .

cavenson · March 5

Venting is cathartic. You have a safe place here. Some friends and family tell me I can vent to them, but I try to limit my venting because I know it would be tiresome to the kind listener. I’ve been writing in “My Alzheimer’s Journey” in a computer file for over 2 ½ years now, and that’s a good place to vent and write down my thoughts. Also, it’s a good way to chronicle the progression of this insidious disease. We understand your frustration because we live with it daily. However, I think I’ve finally learned that showing my frustration to DH is not productive. We’ve got to get it out somehow, so vent on!

charley0419 · March 5

it takes some time it’s 3?yrs diagnosis and I’m first understanding. Zoloft doesn’t hurt either haha

Maru · March 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75504/how-do-you-hold-it-together-and-respond-kindly

I could have written that. Try as I might, sometimes my voice will have an edge to it or I say something snarky. Instant regret. DH has no control over the process going on in his brain while as a mostly fully functional adult, I am supposed to have control over what I say and how I speak. If I could speak to my younger self I would tell her to start practicing kindness under pressure toward DH so that good habits will be established. I may be a really old "dog", but I think that you are never too old to learn new tricks and habits. Don't be so hard on your failures. I doubt that there is a caretaker out there who has never snapped at their LO or said something that they regret, no matter how much they love their LO.

trottingalong · March 5

Ugh, my husband says those EXACT same things. He recently had carpal tunnel surgery. He asks a question about it, I respond with “the doctor said….” And his response is “I don’t remember that, where was I?” I do tell him calmly he was there and I remind him that sometimes when he gets stressed (it’s really all the time) he forgets things. He usually does pretty good with that. I do get frustrated when he accuses me with the “that’s the first I’ve heard of that.” Sometimes I have to take a deep breath before responding. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone.

WIGO23 · March 5

Thanks to all for sharing your experiences on this thread. Getting “blamed” for my DH’s memory lapses and his mistakes when doing things has been very difficult for me to handle. I want to remove myself from the situation but cannot. I want to recognize he “blames” me because he is trying to make sense of his limitations. But, I am human. I am not a saint. Sometimes I want to run away!

jfkoc · March 5

Just say sorry dear and come here to scream…..

shiawase12 · March 5

You are all so kind. Thank you. It does help to know I'm not alone.

Love the idea of keeping an Alz journey file. I have similar on notes in my phone. I have a lot in a Chat GPT file (I used to use it as my sounding board till I remembered this site) I had when I was still working. I've been trying to find time to transfer those to a private file, but my goodness they don't make it easy to do.

And yes, I do try to just say sorry and let it go. Depending how tired I am. Sometimes it's easy and other times not so much.

Worst disease ever!

Hugs and prayers of strength to all of you as we journey together.

Jeff H · March 5

You are not alone. It's such a sickening and heartless disease. I've had similar experiences with my DW. I couldn't get a word in edge-wise without it being the incorrect answer in her mind. I just try to agree with everything she says and tell her she is safe. Any type of deflection rarely worked. Since then, she was prescribed Rexulti for agitation and aggression and Xanax for anxiety. They have been working well for my DW. I hope you can find some peace. 🙏

How do you hold it together and respond kindly?

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