Am I expecting too much from family?

starwood · March 6

I’m pretty certain my DH aspirated some fluid night before last. I gave him some medication in the night 2 nights ago, and he immediately began with violent coughing episodes with very wet sounding coughs…which continued all night long. He said he was having trouble breathing and his oxygen level dropped to 86-88. The on call hospice nurse gave me some general advice…basically watch him and see how he did. The next day his regular nurse ordered an oxygen concentrator and suction machine to have on hand “just in case.” For me, this was a big deal, and I guess a little scary as well…although certainly nothing life threatening. It feels like another step in the downward progression. The thing is…when I related the incident to his son (a physician), his response was “I’m sorry to hear it. I hope you’re having a peaceful evening.” I feel like I’m being petty, and I know the cavalry isn’t coming, but it feels like a “so what” reply. Even typing this, I’m thinking, come on, get a grip, what’s the big deal, you know he cares. I’m posting here because I just needed to get it off my chest, I think. Similar experiences anyone.

sandwichone123 · March 6

I think part of the thing is exactly that the son is a physician, so to him this is a very normal progression, whereas to another person it would sound like the very scary progression that it is, particularly to someone that hasn't been around it before.

I am so sorry that your dh is in this stage, at the end of life. My dh has also recently been placed on hospice, so I've been thinking a lot about end of life issues and how differently people perceive them. I hope you are able to get the support you need in this difficult phase.

howhale · March 6

Sorry that you did not get the emotional response from the son expected but I found within my own family that responses varied greatly (none are physicians). It seems often that he or she did not know what to say or their own grief at what was taking place to the loved one overwhelmed them. It caused me discomfort for a while each time the person did not react or respond as I did or as i expected. In time it became clear that each one was handling the situation differently and that continues even after the loss of our loved one. This disease scares the "hell" out of us all and our responses can be unique. I came to truly believe that the love each family member had for my wife was just as great as mine but was displayed uniquely and I had to learn to accept that. The son's training and experience can surely influence a response but be cautious in judging the depth of grief by that alone.

Michele P · March 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75513/am-i-expecting-too-much-from-family

I am sorry for what you both are going through. I have family members in the medical field that make similar comments regarding medical issues. I have found in my case that it isn’t that they don’t care. They deal with medical conditions in black and white, matter of fact, with little to no emotion. These same family members have been invaluable with how to prepare and navigate difficult situations.

Maru · March 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75513/am-i-expecting-too-much-from-family

It is hard when a LO doesn't seem to have the emotional response that you need/expect. I know our son loves his father with AL but it seems that our son has difficulty either facing painful things or expressing his feelings about those things. Negative feelings are hard for some people. You may have to find your emotional support elsewhere. Still, knowing all that doesn't make it feel any better for you. Praying for you and all the others who are at this stage of their journey.

Am I expecting too much from family?

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