She’s begging me to move in

lilacgirl · March 15

My mom received the letter from the doctor telling her not to drive anymore. At least I am no longer the bad guy. But obviously she is devastated. And I think finally seeing that she can’t live alone 2.5 hours away from me anymore. We have a spot in AL near me reserved for her. But now she is BEGGING me to move in with me and my husband. I am in no way cut out for full time caregiving, my husband and I live very busy lives, and being around my mom for too long kills my mental health. So I’ve been shutting this down right away. But she cries and cries and says “Nobody wants me!” and that I don’t love her the right way, and I should just forget about her, and that I’m selfish for not wanting to change my life so she can live with me…. This is destroying me! How do I stand firm and once again regain my mental health???

Quilting brings calm · March 15

You are doing the right thing for your family AND for her. You can’t let this disease destroy your family. Moving in with you isn’t going to delay her progression. Moving into a staffed facility might. I would just redirect her every time she starts the guilt trip.

caregiving daughter · March 15

You quietly listen to your mom when she pleas and cries. Unfortunately, with dementia, a detailed response of you needing to work to provide for your family will not be understood. Therefore, calmly respond with, "I hear you". You could add that moving in is not an option right now but that you will continue to think through (which you likely will do anyway although the answer is likely the same). Explain that AL is the approach right now and that you love her. If she wants to have the same discussion over and over, reduce the response to, "I love you". If she continues to be angry, try different approaches like distraction, bringing a small gift, or cutting the visit short. As AL moves forward, don't feel like you need to review the move over and over. Doing so will likely bring great distress. Solicit the help of the home on how to encourage a smooth transition. Hang in there.

sandwichone123 · March 15

We can't always make them happy, but we can provide them with the care they need. Once she has been somewhere for several weeks and has built relationships there she may be happy, but it's not guaranteed. In any case, we also count, and the people in our lives also count, and it is not fair to expect that we will give up our lives in the vain attempt to keep our loved one happy.

terei · March 15

Do what is right for your family. Your mother needs the help and attention from more than one person(you). Congratulations for realizing what your limitations are. Just do your best. Good luck

H1235 · March 15

People with dementia can have a lack of empathy. Since she doesn’t fully understand the extent of her illness, I doubt she really understands what she is asking of you. A busy family with people coming and going is probably not going to give her structure, friends her age, activities and even regular sit down meals. I think you are making the right decision for not just you and your family, but for her as well. I would read some of the posts about how to handle the actual move. My brother thought mom was capable of packing herself. It was a nightmare. I hope all goes well, but remember, even it is a disaster she will be in a safe place. You can sort out clothing and everything she needs or doesn’t need down the road.

April23 · March 16

I saw a post somewhere where the poster said to think about if your family/mental health/marriage/finances will have survived full-time caregiving once your LO has passed. It’s a fair question. I am a firm believer that our parents would never expect this of us if they were in their right minds. She’s saying this out of fear, anxiety, the disease, but the reality is, if she did move in with you, she wouldn’t like that either. Because in her mind there is nothing wrong with her so there will never be a perfect answer that she will accept.

She’s begging me to move in

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories