Two Months

I posted this on the regular caregiver thread by accident. I'm so used to going to that particular part of this board. Anyway. Here it is. I just needed to get it out.

Two months ago on this day, my DW passed away peacefully at home. I am sitting on a plane, flying to New York City to see an opera with a friend. A respite trip I arranged when I thought my DW might make it longer into 2026. She didn't, but I'm going anyway.

Stage 8 is interesting so far. I spent the first month planning for her celebration of life, feeling immense gratitude for the love we shared and the luck I had in finding the love of my life. The celebration of life then kicked my poor, sad butt and I've spent much of March isolating and feeling sad, along with being pretty unable to grasp the reality that I will never see her in person again, see that twinkle in her eye, hold her hand.

But the end of March had gifts for me. The caregiving fog is starting to lift. I feel more like me again. I started dreaming again. I had literally stopped dreaming when I slept the last 4, very intense years. Either I wasn't dreaming or my poor brain could not remember. It's fun to dream when sleeping again. I also have started losing my fixation on the last year, which was the most intense and difficult. Those images are starting to be replaced by memories of the first night we met and how we were both hit by a lightening bolt and knew it that night. I've had visions of our first dates, our trips together and all the laughs and inside jokes. Perhaps the biggest relief is finally letting go of the guilt — did I do the right thing? What if I'd given her these meds instead of those? Why did I let my impatience and frustration show? Why in the world did I pick a fight with her? Etc. God, that was all so damn awful.

I like feeling like me again and didn't realize just how far gone I was, and I knew I was a friggin' wreck by the end. The exhaustion is so real and will take me a while to recover from that.

I remain filled with gratitude. I remain incredibly relieved that my dear Suze and her big, bright spirit has been released from that mean bully dementia. I feel her warmth around me every day. I know I gave her every bit of love I had in me for her and her care and that has held me up these two months. I find myself proud of what I was able to do for her and amazed still that I had it in me. I really didn't think I did.

But, I also know I have a long road ahead. Our plan for the last 20 years was for us to move where we did move to, then I'd retire and we'd travel and enjoy our days together. I spent years getting us all set up for my retirement and the move we made. Here I am. Retired. In our dream house and dream location. And my love and those particular dreams are gone. Guess I'm not quite done dealing with big emotional and psychological realities, but these are not anything like the crazy, difficult intensity of caregiving my DW with dementia. But, I know I'll find my way.

Hang in there everyone.

Big hugs!