Depressed and venting

rplourde50 · April 15

My DW is getting worse fast. She doesn’t remember what happened five minutes ago. Plus, she’s understandably depressed. I’m at a loss to help her mood so I’m depressed, too, and just want to sit in bed and watch TV to wind us both down. I don’t expect miracles. Just venting here. I appreciate the group.

Jeff H · April 15

Have you seen a neurologist for medications for depression? For both of you. Hang in there.

sfrsythe · April 15

I’m sorry and can emphasize. I don’t know what stage my husband is at. I just know he’s deteriorating faster than I thought. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone! I’m send big hugs that you get peace during all these processes.

jgreen · April 15

Dear @rplourde50 and @sfrsythe

Here is an assessment tool from Tam Cummings’ website. You can ‘guesstimate’ the stage of your LOs:

Dementia Behavioral Assessment.pdf

Please understand that eventually your LOs will read your emotions and react to those emotions more so than to the words you are saying. Kind of like a newborn having strong reactions when the parent is stressed or anxious. So your ‘depression’ is coming through to your LO. It is easy to say ‘remain calm’ but to do so is quite hard, particularly when you are already exhausted and at your wits end. I agree with @Jeff H Meds for the patient and each of you might help. They are helping me (one month on low dose anti-anxiety meds) and I can see difference in me and my DH.

Hang in there!

Stan2 · April 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/75817/depressed-and-venting

My DW suffered from depression even before the dementia and her short term memory is mostly gone as well. She sees a behavior therapist (psychiatrist) for her depression and we seem to have found a workable med and dosage. She is of course depressed when she thinks about her situation but we seem to have a fairly normal existence most of the time. I try very hard to keep up a positive attitude because she will feel my impatience or frustration. We try to only do things that she enjoys and that will entertain her. Its a struggle but we're going into our 4th yr now and just keep plugging along.

rplourde50 · April 16

we have plenty of meds. They do mitigate but not obliterate…

rplourde50 · April 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270440#Comment_270440

same here, bro.

mrsdee13 · April 16

I must agree, I also got on a low dose of anxiety meds. It's very difficult being a caretaker with this disease. My DH never accepted his diagnosis. I still worked and finally got him into the adult day care program. That helped out a lot, but every night it was mostly the same challenges. He had frontal Lobe dementia, which is aggressive, and he had a light stroke at the end of September. After that, I had to admit him to a long-term care facility. He was no longer mobile. I couldn't get in-home care at night, and I wasn't qualified or able to care for him. It was hard making that decision, but he adjusted fairly quickly. I miss him daily, but I have some comfort and peace that I did everything possible, and he did receive good care. Hang in there, and unfortunately, it doesn't get easier. I pray for your strength.

howhale · April 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270431#Comment_270431

Your comment about the loved one "will read your emotions and react to those emotions more so than to the words you are saying." is so, so true. Many forget or do not realize that our loved one is still in there, just obscured by this disease, and can see and feel our reactions. The bonds we have together after many ears are deeper than words said and even this horrible disease does not erase them all, just makes them harder to reach and handle. I found out when my grief and exhaustion overwhelmed me and I cried in front of my DW. It frightened her so much, I could see it in her face and her actions. When she looked at me and said "Please don't put me away somewhere" I wish I could have just been buried right then. At that time she was not speaking much at all and she mustered the strength to say those words to me at that time. I tried hard to never all ow her to experience my feelings again except for love and happiness when possible. Be careful, very careful, about forgetting our loved one is still in there, always.

jgreen · April 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270539#Comment_270539

💝

rplourde50 · April 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/270539#Comment_270539

I know. Plus, as an empath I feed off my DWs emotions so it’s a vicious cycle.

jeanr56 · April 19

I know it’s important to be patient and positive but we’re not super human. We do the best we can most of the time. Please try to give yourself some grace.
My DH thinks there are at least 2, sometimes 3 of me. He talks about me in 3rd person almost every day now. It doesn’t seem fair that he can remember everyone else but he’s not sure who I am. Last night we went out for dinner with 2 very good friends. This morning my DH told me he felt bad because he thought I was going to join them for dinner last night, but the table was only for 4 so he was sorry

Sometimes I can make myself laugh about the “multiple me’s” He gives me credit for doing a lot of tasks. And I often wish there were 3 of me! But mostly it’s heartbreaking and sometimes I just have to walk out of the room to cry.

Depressed and venting

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