Downsizing

Karl38 · April 26

My wife has had Alzheimer's for 8 years and is now in Stage 6. Care giving is difficult, can't even remember when the difficult part started. My plan has been to keep her at home as long as possible since I think she would be happiest in a familiar environment and my undivided attention has got to be better that what memory care facilities can provide.

I'm close to 87 yo and the combination of care giving plus maintaining a large 4 bedroom colonial home is becoming difficult. I'm thinking of moving to an independent living apartment in a senior living community. One that has a dedicated memory care program so my wife could move to memory care at some point and we would both still be in the same building. Has anyone tried this? An y advice is appreciated.

blacksparky · April 27

Here are some words for thought. It’s a big decision to have to make.

Choose a community with both levels of care on one campus so transitions are smoother Ask about flexible visiting and shared activities Look for staff who emphasize family involvement Make sure there are support groups or counseling options for spouses Be realistic about your own need for space and emotional recovery You want to stay actively involved in her life and care Visiting frequently is important to you The emotional impact of seeing her regularly feels manageable (even if hard)

It may be tougher if:

You feel you need distance to cope You’re already burned out and need to rebuild your own stability

Jgirl57 · April 27

I think it would be a practical move . When I was touring places they did note that many couples do this and then the move to the memory care is easier. Of course the other option is to hire handy men/women to do the work around the house and yard and some home caregivers to give you a break. Best wishes as you make your decisions .

harshedbuzz · April 27

@Karl38

This is always an option. It could be a critical part of your Plan B getting your wife settled in a facility in the event something happens to you that would prevent being her hands-on caregiver.

I think the most important consideration is where you want to be in stage 8. Would you regret selling? Would you want to live in a CCRC?

One of the men in our local support group lived in a very nice Quaker affiliated CCRC that marketed itself as "active retired professionals". While they did initially have a MC unit, they screened all applicants for cognitive issues in order to avoid a person moving in who already had dementia. Not all places do this, but it is something to be aware of.

I dearly wanted my parents to do this when they moved back to the area, but mom wanted her own home. We compromised on a 55+ active retirement community where most outdoor maintenance is part of the HOA. She hired in a cleaner and aides for dad before he went into MC.

HB

jgreen · April 27

Dear @Karl38

I haven’t tried this type of move, but helped my 93 year old uncle and his wife (with Alz) make such a move.

He was quite active in his church and visited many ‘shut ins’ in various facilities in his area and found a handful that he thought would work for the two of them. I believe he toured 2 or 3 of them and found the one he liked best. Put a deposit down and spent next 6 months getting rid of items they would not take with them, all the while gently working to convince my aunt about a move.

When she fell and ended up in the hospital with a spinal fracture he called me and my brother. We came down and toured the facility and agreed that it would be a nice place for them to live. We were very supportive of his decision and were relieved he decided he couldn’t ‘do it all’ anymore. Aunt ended up in rehab for 30 days, and I think that was what finally made the decision for Uncle.

Here are a couple of tips that I remember from all of this:

Uncle had a fantastic grasp of their income and expenses (including property taxes, house insurance, utilities, etc) and broken down monthly, their monthly rental is almost covered. With the sale of their house, they have a nice savings to help with incidentals that come up. I imagine that would be used if he has to move Aunt to MC. They’ve been there a little over 2 years and their rent went up about $100 for each of them. So have as much financial information as possible to help you with your decision.

Uncle had measurements of their new apartment and created a blueprint to see what furniture they could bring with them. The local Salvation Army was happy to take the rest of the large items and even came to pick it up. My brother was there with their grandson to make sure all went smoothly. (I understand that the Oasis organization can help with setting up an apartment so you might want to see if you have them in your area, and if so, what they can help with). Downsizing from a 4-bedroom colonial to a 1-bedroom apartment is quite the consolidation!

Uncle is very outgoing and made sure he met many of the residents and staff as soon as they moved in. He is good about getting my aunt to some of the planned activities to ensure social stimulation. He is also a veteran and has planned several events for the other vets. So he is good at caring for himself too. I think you need to have that mindset, or else you could end up isolating yourselves. They have friends and former neighbors that come to visit them - not frequently but enough to stay in touch.

I hope this long message is helpful. It is a big decision and one I know you will not take lightly. Best wishes to you and your DW.

jfkoc · April 27

I was able to keep us in our home. The help I needed was much less expensive than moving into a facility. Cleaning person/occasional handiman/ yard and then 24/7 care. You can even get meal service at home.

The care your wife will get will never be as good as what you can provide in your home.

Further thought….do. you want to live out your days in a facility?????

Downsizing

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