I hung up on mom today

H1235 · June 2

I called mom to say hi and check in on her (she is in a nursing home). She started by telling me she has a list of things she wants from her house when I go there next. I let her rattle off the list of things she doesn’t need and made no comments about how ridiculous these items are. Thing’s quickly snowballed and she started complaining about me not taking her to her house. There are too many reasons to even get into here. She said she was sure my brother would take her, but he is afraid of making me mad. She complained that no one will even tell her why she can’t go to her house (I’ve learned my lesson there, she can not be reasoned with). Said I don’t let her make any decisions and have taken control of her entire life and it’s not right. A former roommate at the nursing home wanted to take her to lunch, the facility said she needed my permission. Since I don’t know this woman and mom is unsteady on her feet I said no. Mom asked a staff member why she couldn’t and they told her I had said no. She is pissed off. Again said I have no right to tell her what she can do. Six months before mom was diagnosed I started looking into independent living and foolishly included mom in the process. At diagnosis she was told she was not safe to live along, so that idea was out the window. Mom brought up that I was going to force her into independent living long before she had even seen the doctor. I made the mistake of pointing out that at that appointment the doctor said she was not safe to live alone. She said that wasn’t true. Said I had no right to control her life. There are things in her home that are private and none of my business. She was so angry. At this point I told her I loved her, but that I needed to hang up. She sarcastically says sure that’s the way to get out of explaining yourself. No one should ever have to go through this. I HATE DEMENTIA!!!

I am so thankful I have this outlet to vent.

SusanB-dil · June 2

You did what you had to.

If she continues to be severely angry, though, do tell her doc.

Agree. I HATE 'this'!!!! so. much. you vent. we understand.

Sunfish47 · June 2

I went thru similar with my mom. I think my moms behaviors and bad moods were the dementia and also exacerbated by her pain level (she endured the aches and pains of extreme arthritis in her late 80s, early 90s, that the pain meds only took the edge off for awhile). So I just tried to ignore her bad moods and nasty remarks. She was difficult.

pamu · June 2

It’s so hard. It sounds like you handled that awful situation very well. I’ve had to cut my visits short quite often. My mom is in the same boat as your mother. She wants to do all the things she did 20 years ago and is pissed that she is now in MC. She’s taken exit seeking to an extreme sport so even a visit upstairs to the library right now is off limits. Any thoughts of going anywhere or just going outside to the patio area is not allowed for the time being. The charge nurse was planning to have mom plant some flowers in the courtyard (she loves gardening) but she cannot right now because of her behaviors. She has no recollection when this happens so she can’t understand why we can’t take her out shopping or for an ice cream. My sister saw her for less than 10 minutes yesterday because she was very agitated and could not be redirected. I saw her today for about an hour and she was in a decent mood but she was telling outlandish stories and having delusions. Just when I start to feel guilty or second guess our “choices” for her, I’m quickly reminded about why she’s there. I’m glad you have this forum to vent…I don’t know what I’d do without it!

Quilting brings calm · June 2

You did what you had to for your own sanity. I wouldn’t call her for a few days either.

ARIL · 11:48AM

Saying you need to hang up and then hanging up is far more courteous than just slamming the phone down. And you went through a long and painful conversation before that. Let go of the guilt. Let her alone for a few days. She is receiving care, and you need a break. Feel free to vent. It is an horrific disease that deserves all our hatred.

So sorry. Your story reminds me of experiences with my stepmother that still weigh on me. So awful. So impossible.

H1235 · 6:19PM

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I had planned to visit Friday, but I think I will hold off til Monday a give her a couple of days to cool down.

Victoriaredux · 6:32PM

I just found this Teepa Snow podcast on communications, about 20 minutes , there is a transcript .

Covered recent topics that have appeared in this Forum- what an OT can do , when it is time to not live alone, visual triggers - like labels but mainly how to communicate.

https://adrc.wisc.edu/dementia-matters/caregiver-strategies-overcoming-communication-and-behavior-changes-due-dementia

I hung up on mom today

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories