unexpected feeling of jealousy

BPS · June 11

My wife is in memory care for over 2 years and is stage 7. A month or so ago a new resident moved into her MC, she was in much better physical health then my wife and a little better cognitively. About a week or a little more ago that resident had a sudden and unexpected turn for the worse and died a few days later. I was surprised by my feelings. I didn't feel any sorrow for a life lost I felt a little jealousy. It was over for her. It was over for the family. I was not expected then but everyone knows that none of the residents are ever walking out for the last time. It has been 10 years since her diagnoses and just before that I was about to leave her due to infidelity, then the diagnoses and I felt like I needed to see this through so it didn't fall on my kids. I could never tell my kids how I felt but it struck me enough that I wanted to tell someone. It has been a very long terrible journey and I am tired, not physically tired as so many of you are because she is in MC but very emotionally tired. I want to start a knew chapter of my life. I don't know what it will be but I want a change and I want to feel cared about.

WIGO23 · June 11

Any emotion you feel should be validated. Standing by a LO with dementia is not easy under any circumstances much less the ones you shared. Wanting it to be over is something I think about every time my DH acts in ways that is no longer who he was. And we are only four years into the journey after his diagnosis and he is functioning pretty well except for Sundowning. I can only offer understanding and let you know, I hear you.

iowagirl1961 · June 12

I needed to hear what both of you are saying. I am so ready for this to be over (I am 6 years in caring for my dh). I know these feelings are normal and I used to feel guilty about having those thoughts. But at this point, I know my dh would hate it so much if he was aware of his condition and aware that 90% of living is on hold. He is 74 and I am 64. Today was our 38th wedding anniversary and since he doesn’t know who I am, I saw no point in recognizing the occasion.

Sunfish47 · June 12

Yes, my DH also would be very upset to know what his lingering illness has put our family through. He always said that if/when he got a diagnosis of a terminal illness, he would not wait for the illness to run its course but would somehow hasten it so he could leave on his own terms. So yeah, I know he would want this to be over. No one would choose to live like this. And for his sake, cuz I love him, I want it to be over as well, so I can go back to remembering the handsome, highly intelligent, quick-witted, funny guy he was before this happened.

trottingalong · June 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/76262/unexpected-feeling-of-jealousy

Give yourself some grace. Your wife is being cared for now, which gives you the opportunity to live again for you. Don’t feel guilty for wanting more and don’t feel guilty for the choices you make in the future. Your wife is no longer capable of understanding or comprehending your needs. Start that new chapter now, while you still can.

pamu · June 12

I know it's not the same thing as caring for a spouse but I have guilty feelings about my mom (88YO) who is in MC. It's been almost 10 years since her official diagnosis and decades of mental illness prior to that. My mom is constantly miserable, agitated and has very unpleasant delusions. I'm at my breaking point. The staff at her MC has been very supportive and I thank God that she is now there (10 months). With that said, I just want this to end…for her and for our family.

Sweetwater · June 12

BPS, I had feelings similar to yours when a dear friend (no dementia) fell and passed in one day. My DH (with dementia) lived for another 4 years afterwards. I remember thinking that her family didn't know how lucky they were. Don't apologize for your feelings. You deserve some happiness.

annie51 · June 12

I understand that feeling of jealousy, but from a different perspective. My DH was only in memory care for 2 1/2 months before suffering a fatal heart attack. As others have said, he would have definitely not wanted to live the way he was and somehow found his exit ramp, so I had a tremendous sense of relief. But what I also felt was pity for the other residents and their families, still going through the day-to-day slog of caring for someone with dementia.

So many feelings come out that we don’t expect but get validated here!

BPS · June 13

Thank you all for your comments. It is good to hear that I am not a heartless xxxxx person and that others understand and feel the same way. This all sucks (for lack of a better expression right now). Thank you I needed your comments.

unexpected feeling of jealousy

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