Alarmed!
This just happened! In referring to my husband, my mom said, "The man who ate dinner with us," was the one who gave her the 2 boxes of pictures. I said, "Who, my husband (——)?" She laughed and said, "Yes, I couldn't remember his name."
Omg! I've been married for 35 years and have known my hubby for 38 years. HE is the one who has been most concerned about my mom's living arrangements since my dad died. HE is the one who convinced her to move in with us as she never believed parents should live with their married children, for fear of causing marital strife. HE views her more as his mom than his own mom. SHE. FORGOT. HIS. NAME.
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Comments
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@JulietteBee
I'm sorry. This is a shocking when it happens. Memory tends to LIFO and as the disease progresses, even older memories become hazy. That said, even if she can't name him, she likely has warm feelings about him. You'd know if she didn't.
HB2 -
It's really tough, but hang on to the underlying thought that she still sees him as someone she knows and could agree that he was your husband. That she was comfortable laughing with you means that she feels safe and supported. Not feeling distressed about it or pressuring herself to try to stay afloat with the social niceties will be good for her state of mind.
It takes a lot of the person's reserves to 'keep up' with orienting themselves throughout the day, especially after a move into a new situation, so you might see that things like this crop up more towards the end of the day.
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So sorry this new marker of disease progression is here. 💔
My dad now asks me, “Are you married?” Even with my husband of 37 years standing right there. I answer matter-of-factly, “yes, I am. His name is —-. Here he is.” Typically my dad will say something like “Oh, yes, of course. Name. I’ve known him all his life!” (Not remotely true, but we smile.) Sometimes in looking at old pictures, he identifies his mother’s second husband with my husband’s name. I try to notice that he can recognize general relationships: this is someone married to a woman I love.
But it is so hard to see the incremental progression and to get used to the next phase. I am grateful that Dad still knows me, mostly, but I know that even that may fall away in time. Even when the labels of names go, though, the feelings last even longer. That’s what people say, at least. I have not been there yet.
So sorry for your pain. We see you and understand.
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@ARIL
What is it about sons-in-law?
Dad knew mom and I until he died. He was always surprised that his two granddaughters were grown women (he'd been very close to them and they lived with him for 5 years after their mom died) but he had no issues with DS (not close as parents moved away when he was young), 10+ years younger than my nieces, being an adult. Although he did once confuse his urologist (Japanese born) with DS (looks like Ed Sheeran).
DH though, dad referred to him as "the guy Harshed is shacking up with" I was married about 35 years at the time.
HB0 -
Dad no longer has reliable recall of my hubby either. Interesting SIL pattern. 🤔
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Thank you for the empathy and for sharing that insight. Yes, she always did. I believe she still does. Prior to her statement, they were both chatting while working at unpacking the rest of her boxes and finding space for her figurines.🩷
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@Emily 123, I never thought about it like that. Thank you! She felt safe enough to admit that she forgot his name. Yes, she remembered the relationship.
I am learning, slowly but surely, how hard it must be for them to keep themselves looking put together, while recognizing that they are falling apart. Putting on the facade must be so tiring.💔
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@ARIL, thank you for seeing and understanding my pain.
You know, it especially broke my heart as I reflect back, some months ago. I was clarifying what the doctor told her. He had said, "Sadly, there will come a time when you will not even remember who she is," as he pointed to me. Bless mom's heart, she retorted and said, "That will never happen." Yesterday's occurrence put truth to the doctor's words. I wonder if she has, on occasion, forgotten my name, but never admitted it.😢
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Very interesting SIL connection. 🤔
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It's such a shock when that happens the first time. Sorry for the pain it's creating.
It is also taking longer for my mom to recognize who I am when I step into her room. I am slowly facing the fact that there will come a point where she doesn't recognize me. It is another unwelcome milestone.1 -
@Daisy4U, it was initially shocking. The shock led to the painful realization that mom achieved a "milestone" I had hoped she never would, despite being forewarned by her neurologist.
I am so sorry to hear that your dear mom is starting to show signs of uncertainty as to who you are. Hugs!🫂
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For the most part, I don't think my mother knows who I am. Sometimes she knows my name and might at the moment be able to connect the name to the person in front of her, who is her daughter. Frequently, I am "mother", today she was calling me May. May is my father's sister, who is deceased. It is very disconcerting, especially when it first started to happen. Now. unfortunately I am used to it. As long as she still trusts and looks for me when I'm not present (which causes other problems for me), I just go with it. She is so lost much of the time and admits it. She doesn't know who she is, how she got where she is and who we are. It's terrifying. I hold on to what I can, as long as I can. This will undoubtedly get worse.
Thanks for listening.
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@JulietteBee, I'm so sorry. Those incidents do hurt. Agree though that even when they can't say the name or relationship, they often still understand that this is a person who cares for them and with whom they have a warm relationship. And sometimes they will "forget" a name one day, and the next day recall it again. It's such a roller coaster to keep up with.
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@psg712, thank you for the empathy & the insight. I honestly never thought about it that way. In the moment, she knew the man ate dinner with us and helped her sort through 2 of her boxes. He must have cared.💙
I so badly hate roller coasters, literal & figurative ones.
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Oh @Grenah, I am so sorry. This being the first time mom forgot her son-in-law's name was so upsetting. I cannot envision a time wherein I will get used to it and be able to carry on like nothing happened. I also can't believe it is simply a matter of time.😢
I am glad your mom has you in her life. Hugs!🫂
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Your message reminded me of a conversation I had with my dad four (!!!) years ago now. (Can it be that long?!) I was visiting at his home, and I had taken him for a drive through the country. He had quit driving a few months before.
He said, “I am forgetting things more and more. It worries me. I just hope [here his voice broke] I don’t ever forget who you are!” I said, “I hope that doesn’t happen too.” (My father is a devout Christian, which was the basis for what I said next.) I went on, “But if that day comes, then I will still know that you love me, and that we will see and know each other again someday.” He calmed down immediately: “That’s a good way to look at it,” he said.
Now that I have had the occasional experience of nonrecognition (fortunately, only fleeting moments so far), I often remember that conversation. It brings me comfort to think that this too is only one season of life. It does not define all the others.
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Before my mother died, I was whoever you are.
My FIL was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and most days my husband is his big brother. He doesn’t know my name but he knows my husband and I belong together.
The craziest thing though, he has 8 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren but the only one he consistently remembers is our 6 year old grandson, never forgets his name and calls him his “main man or my best friend.”
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@ARIL, what a lovely experience. Thank you for sharing it. My family members are also devout Christians. I can see why that calmed your dad down. It had the same effect on me just now.
We shall know and be known…
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@ajzjmsmom, if last in, first out, is a fact, one would believe he should consistently forget the younger one's name. 🤯
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My mom has started having lapses like this as well. She has been unable to come up with my brother's name a few times — her son!!!! You're right, it is alarming, at least at first. But then you just start to accept that this is all part of the progression. I have had to learn to start to look at things more clinically ("Oh, so we are entering a new stage!") rather than so emotionally, in order to protect my own mental health. It's so hard. I send you best wishes and hugs.
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Thank you for your kind understanding and for sharing what works for you. I really need to divorce my emotions from the task at hand. Anticipatory grief previously had me in a dark place. I cannot return to that place each time mom transitions into a new stage.💔
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Amen! At one point it bothered me that my mom no longer read her Bible or spoke about her Lord as she used to do. Then the lovely thought came to me: even if she forgets her Savior's name, he will never forget hers. It's written in his book of life. No disease, including dementia, can change that.
Blessings to you as you continue to walk this journey with your mom.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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