Taken for granted

LadyTexan

Recently one of my girl friends has been frustrated by her significant other. He’s not helping with the housework. He is not picking up after himself. He’s leaving clothes in the dryer and holding up the laundry ritual. Basically, he is not behaving the way she wants him to. I am sympathetic. Its easy to fault a significant other when expectations are not met. It’s a ritual that probably goes back to caveman days. In my head, I sometimes want to scream at her, “be grateful he knows how to use the washing machine”. Many a day I am sure I was frustrated by DH and the quirks that make him the man I love.

For some reason today I have been thinking about how often I took the life we had for granted. For example, when he would bring me a cup of coffee, when he would lock up the house at night, when he would keep our anti-virus software up to date, when he would run to the store for whatever we needed, when he would diagnose the significance of a strange sound my car made. I took him for granted.

My perspective has changed. Thanks to the caregiver heroes here, I have learned to not have expectations. I strive to accept that it is this way now. I am grateful for what my husband is capable of doing. I treasure the moments of joy and laughter and am glad they are still sprinkled into our life. I am grateful and I am more verbal about telling my husband I am grateful for him.

I wish I could tell my younger self “appreciate what you have”. 

Beachfan

Lady Texan,

You are so right!  My DH has been so compromised for so long by this disease, I have a hard time believing that he could do all the things he used to do.  It doesn't seem possible that he could have lost so much talent and ability.  Yesterday, the 6 year old blasted in the door clutching her I-pad.  "Look what Pop could do! I gotta' show this to pop!"  It was an old video of DH and her older brother, from six years ago bouncing a playground ball back and forth.  I said, "Wow, pop can't do that anymore, can he?"  "Nope, but don't worry; I'm gonna teach him again."  If only.........

JM1316

I hear you Lady Texan!!

I was just discussing this exact same thing to my sister-in-law today.  He can no longer do quite a few things or I have to help him do a few things like take outside Xmas lights off the bushes. Seems he can’t untangle anything and calls me for help.  Getting more forgetful like emptying bathroom trash can but leaves it tied up in the hallway.  Yet DH is very pleasant to deal with (so far) and likes to chat.  I am the cook, maid, bill payer, food shopper, etc 

Happy New Year!

jfkoc

amen....so much of life we take for granted until it disappears

SSHarkey

YES YES YES!!!

Mint

For sure

Joe C.

Lady Texan,

This post rings so true for me as I also have that friend who complains, “I have to do everything” in her marriage (which is actually far from the truth). I am always tempted to explain what “everything” really entails.

I also miss many of the little things DW use to do for me. We never know what we will miss till it’s gone.

M1

You're absolutely right LT.  I miss things big and small:  such as taking for granted that she would know which drawer the forks are in, where the cutting board goes, where the cat food is.  What my last name is.  What the kids' names are, and their spouses.  The small things that become big when they're no longer there.

But last night we toasted in the New Year with a good bottle of red wine and a PBS concert from Mount Vernon, which we both enjoyed.  Much to still be grateful for and not take for granted.

Ed1937

Lady, you are so right! People in general always take the good things in life for granted. But this disease really changes our perspective.

Crushed

My lovely wife had a nightgown that said "Spoiled Rotten AND I Deserve It" But I was also spoiled.  I had Wonder Woman.  I miss her so much

amicrazytoo

So true. I miss being able to ask him to run to the store for this or that, it made a huge difference to my stress level. Keep adjusting.

ImInTheGarden

I agree, Lady Texan. I look around at the lovely furniture and woodwork my husband did and it's so precious to me now. He could build and fix anything. I hold his hand now, and the skin is smooth. Not at all like his rough, hard working hands. I miss him.

Thanks for your post.

ButterflyWings

Oh Lady Texan,

You make such a good point. I feel that I did appreciate my DH and so many thoughtful little things he always did to show how much he loved me. But I sure did take it for granted that these things would always be part of our lives and our love. Just never thought that the last time he did some things, would be the last time. Ever. Sad.

Your post made me remember a couple of months ago, it was still warm out and I was doing something out back, wrapping up minor yard work and throwing the last scraps away. I heard a familiar sound and looked up to watch a car turning onto our street, approaching slowly. It immediately took me back to the days when my DH would swing by to pick me up midday and we would go do something important or mundane. In that moment, I was frozen where I stood. It was such a deep pang of grief after I realized that it wasn't him. And remembered that it wasn't even possible anymore. He can't drive. Doesn't even know where he is most days. I took all that for granted, for sure. 

SteveOD

The other day, I was making a cake (The Apple Lady's Apple Cake—look it up), my wife looked at the recipe and said, "Wow! There are a lot of ingredients in that!"

"No," I said, "it's really a very simple recipe."

She started to walk away, on the verge of tears. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she couldn't say anything to me without it becoming an argument. I said I was sorry.

What I miss most of all is the equal partner I had for 48 years, a person with whom I could debate clearly and rationally, and with whom I could come to agreement and mutual understanding about everything from which picture to hang in the entry hall to how to invest our life savings.

nickrider

Yes, we cannot take anything for granted, for sure. Yet, I think we can also cherish the person (DW, DH, SO, or whatever) that we have today. Certainly, my DW contributes greatly to the life the two of us live together, even tho it is not at all in the same way that she did for the past four decades. 

Perhaps unrelated to your post, Lady Texan, I recognize and value this as a time to give back to the woman who supported me in innumerable ways for many years while I devoted far more time and energy to my job than I did to her. She was always there for me, tho. And now I want to always be there for her.

M1

Steve OD I know exactly what you mean.....my partner and I have numerous conversations exactly like that, and I have to walk on eggshells not to say anything that contradicts her or she feels like she's being argued with.  I find myself saying every day, "I don't want to argue with you..." but it also means we are no longer equal partners, I am not turning to her for support and guidance like I always did (26 years, not 48, but still).  I turn to this forum instead, and elsewhere.  And the minute that happens, a part of the marriage is over and gone.  I will always love her and be loyal to her and devoted, and I am here no matter what, but the loss is at times just overwhelming.  But we all need that kind of support to go on--we just can't get it from our partners/spouses any longer.

Rescue mom

The walking on eggshells because of unexpected reactions to random remarks hit me especially hard today. Seems like anything I say is taken differently. Just a couple hours ago I said the neighbors new yard looked good (they did major landscaping rework), as we walked by.  DH instantly flew into a rage, screaming and throwing things., running to the house.  Long story short, he thought I was critical of our own yard. Not the first time in the last few weeks, and no, it’s not a UTI. I had him tested. 

It means I can’t say anything without thinking how it may be interpreted, but usually the interpretations are things I never imagined. So I say....nothing. Meaningful conversations have been long gone (along with any help for the most basic household chores, as mentioned), but this is another level.