A plea

Nowhere

To the family of my husband’s memory care “wife”,

When you left your mom at memory care’s door, you left your mom. I did the same with my husband. Our vulnerable, brain compromised, loved ones were removed from their prior lives and homes and somehow found solace in each other’s company, believing the other is their spouse. How can we begin to understand how alone, lost, and abandoned they felt? After placing my husband I was and still am devastated. No doubt he, with being ill and without choice, was well beyond what I felt. Somehow their damaged brains compensated for their pain and connected them. Who are we to judge the rightness of their friendship, stemming from their basic human need for love and belonging? They may be confused, but even so, legally they have basic rights as senior citizens to chose their own friends and companions.

The disease is overly cruel in and of itself, a thief of our loved ones’ memories and of future hopes and dreams. I hope and pray you’ll have change of heart and leave them be to enjoy the comfort their companionship grants. By all accounts their relationship is co mutual. Studies show that such connections are good for individuals emotionally, behaviorally, and even cognitively.

You and I may not recognize their choices for who they once were or what they once believed as their brains have changed. Everything I’ve read on the subject says to honor their reality. They believe they are married and this gives them present purpose. In this manner I advocate for my husband and your mother. I wish them every bit of happiness, peace, and comfort that they can glean in their remaining days.

I will divorce my husband if it makes him legally and spiritually suitable to you as your mom’s suitor. He is a good man, the best dad, a proper Englishman who prides himself on manners, kindness, caring, and respect towards others, a pacifist, a softie, wouldn’t hurt anyone, possesses a good sense of humor, and finds purpose waiting on others and being helpful. He’s a dreamer, free spirit, and believes anything is possible.

I know nothing about your mother, and I like her anyway, because she sees someone to love in my husband. And my husband must identify the same in your mom.

Wishing you and all involved peace of mind and heart,

His forgotten spouse 

MN Chickadee

Nowhere, I am so sorry you are going through this but it is common. My mother did the same; she came to think a gentleman at her care home was her husband despite her actual husband of 50 years visiting her weekly.  Like so many other issues with dementia, we decided whatever helped her get through her days and brought comfort was ok. It only lasted a few months and then they both declined and stopped roving around together as a team. You are absolutely right that it stems from their need for companionship and connection. It's often harmless and just a couple elderly folks holding hands and spending time together at a time when they have lost just about everything. While it is painful for the other spouse to be forgotten, it shows what a good heart you have to see this exactly for what it is and want the best for him at any cost. I see this attitude as an act of love and kindness and it shows how deeply you care for him.

jfkoc

One can only hope that "the family" reads and understands your post which is filled with unconditional love.....

abc123

Dear Nowhere, you have a beautiful heart. You are the kind of person I want to be. Sending you peace and love.

mommyandme (m&m)

Dear Nowhere,

You are an amazing woman! Thank you for sharing your heart.

Sincerely, Jen

zauberflote

Nowhere, thank you for posting this gut-wrenching plea. I hope it helps someone somewhere sometime. Jfkoc describes you perfectly-- unconditional love.

dayn2nite2

While I understand your post, I would also say that while you are doing what you think is best for your spouse, her family is doing the same for their family member.

Neither side is right or wrong, it's just 2 different families doing the best they can for the person they love.

Nowhere

Thank you, all, for your supportive comments and understanding. Agreed, Dayn2nite2- I think people try to do their best and lest we lived their experience we can’t judge. I’ve found with Alzheimer’s there are situations when no good choice presents. I’ve been told the other family is pulling their mom from the facility because she’s involved with a married man and pre Alzheimer’s she’d never have been.

Quilting brings calm

Pulling their LO from the facility will solve this particular instance, but won’t solve it long term. Their mom isn't who she was any longer.  She doesn’t think  the same way.  Her brain is telling her to seek companionship. I doubt she can understand the term marriage in regards to someone who lives where she does and doesn’t have a spouse living there.   She won’t understand it any better in a new facility. 

Me personally - I feel like the original poster does.  Whatever allows my LO to be happy in a world that makes no sense to them ... is ok with me.  I think it’s ok with ‘the powers that be’ too.  Justice Sandra O’Connor believed the same for her husband 

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Cynbar

Nowhere, I admire your strength and your desire for your DH to be happy. Frankly, I'm not sure I could be that magnanimous. But that is for a different discussion...

I do understand where the other family is coming from. As issues have come up with my DH, I have often used the framework of considering what his pre-dementia self would have done. These are uncharted waters, but it sounds like the other family has made a thoughtful decision based on their understanding of their duty towards their mother. You may not agree with their decision, but it does sound thoughtful. 

One other thing not yet mentioned ---- I think your DH will move on and be just fine. If he is like most dementia patients, he has no retention. I don't think he will pine away for long, I think he will move on and find someone else (hopefully with a family more supportive towards this kind of relationship.) He is looking for physical contact and affection, I don't think cognitively he could have a strong attachment to this particular woman. He will likely miss her at first, but I bet he will forget quickly. That's what dementia does. He will be fine. Have confidence in the facility's ability to support him through this.

Beachfan

Awhile back I watched a documentary on Alzheimer’s.  A short segment showed a gentleman (MCF resident) and his “girlfriend”,  also a resident.  Both parties had spouses and families.  The gentleman was returned to the facility by his family following a concert.  His girlfriend was visiting in the common area with her extended family.  The gentleman rushed to meet his friend, embraced her warmly, and kissed her on both cheeks.  Holding hands, they retreated to a love seat where they all continued visiting, seemingly one large happy “family”.  I wish such a scenario would evolve for you. 

Meanwhile, as Cynbar noted, this romance may fade on one or both sides.  You are brave and selfless to support your DH while your heart is breaking.  I hope everything works out for all involved.  

dayn2nite2

As I said everyone is different on this subject, but there is an underlying thing that can be of concern with a relationship between 2 impaired individuals.

Intimacy wasn't mentioned as part of the described relationship, but should that have come to pass, neither person is really able to provide consent to such a thing.  I'm sure that you would be very upset if your husband was coerced into intimacy and found it a traumatic experience for whatever reason.  And vice versa.  Both people are vulnerable and I do understand why the lady's family is moving her.

Saya_G

Nowhere, God bless you.

Nowhere

Thank you.

An update: 

 I feel like public awareness would be a good thing about the challenges, complexities, and laws protecting even cognitively impaired individual’s basic human rights. However, I’m too stressed to lead the cause. 

Sadly, my letter will not be shared. The reason I was given because of concern it would violate HIPPA law and could inflame the situation. 

Additionally, the facility is concerned he’ll be agitated when she leaves and try to elope. They say they cannot take the risk of it happening again. I’ve been advised to begin looking for another facility. I’m not on board with that solution as for eight weeks between elopement and relationship he was successful. A behavioral specialist has been assigned to meet with him to see what strategies might work for staff to learn how to deal with him. I’ve been told we have until the end of the month.

So very concerned for him with double whammy of losing his friend and possibly his home.

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