A plea

Nowhere

 To the family of my husband’s memory care “wife”,

When you left your mom at memory care’s door, you left your mom. I did the same with my husband. Our vulnerable, brain compromised, loved ones were removed from their prior lives and homes and somehow found solace in each other’s company, believing the other is their spouse. How can we begin to understand how alone, lost, and abandoned they felt? After placing my husband I was and still am devastated. No doubt he, with being ill and without choice, was well beyond what I felt. Somehow their damaged brains compensated for their pain and connected them. Who are we to judge the rightness of their friendship, stemming from their basic human need for love and belonging? They may be confused, but even so, legally they have basic rights as senior citizens to chose their own friends and companions.

The disease is overly cruel in and of itself, a thief of our loved ones’ memories and of future hopes and dreams. I hope and pray you’ll have change of heart and leave them be to enjoy the comfort their companionship grants. By all accounts their relationship is co mutual. Studies show that such connections are good for individuals emotionally, behaviorally, and even cognitively.

You and I may not recognize their choices for who they once were or what they once believed as their brains have changed. Everything I’ve read on the subject says to honor their reality. They believe they are married and this gives them present purpose. In this manner I advocate for my husband and your mother. I wish them every bit of happiness, peace, and comfort that they can glean in their remaining days.

I will divorce my husband if it makes him legally and spiritually suitable to you as your mom’s suitor. He is a good man, the best dad, a proper Englishman who prides himself on manners, kindness, caring, and respect towards others, a pacifist, a softie, wouldn’t hurt anyone, possesses a good sense of humor, and finds purpose waiting on others and being helpful. He’s a dreamer, free spirit, and believes anything is possible.

I know nothing about your mother, and I like her anyway, because she sees someone to love in my husband. And my husband must identify the same in your mom.

Wishing you and all involved peace of mind and heart, 

His forgotten wife

LadyTexan

Dear Nowhere.

You are so brave and selfless. I am sending you a cyber hug and prayers for the very painful situation you are in. 

-LT

Nowhere

Lady Texan,

Thank you. You’re an amazing surviving spouse of this disease yourself. I’m praying the letter is shared with the other family as I’ve been informed they have given the facility a thirty day notice of their intent to remove their mom from the memory care facility. I’m told it’s because he’s a married man and their mom would not have been involved with a married man pre Alzheimer’s. I believe they’re protecting their mom as best they know. I’ve found Alzheimer’s changes boundaries shifting stances and positions until nothing feels sure or secure. There are no “good” choices. Just hard or harder ones based on each individual’s journey. I don’t know what’s right or wrong or up or down anymore. The home won’t allow me to meet with the family. Will they share my letter? I sincerely hope so. I’m the wife who let go of him, and I am trying to watch over him from afar. I will live with the decision I put my well being before his for the rest of my life. It wasn’t just me though, it was also for my children and grandchildren. They would have lost both of us. Might still as I’m no less stressed or heavy hearted since placing him. He had just began to assimilate by finding a friend who he refers to by my name and refers to as his wife. Then this... 

French

Nowhere

I sincerely hope they will let them together. If you are generous enough to let your husband enjoy life as much as he can, it would be incompressible that her children don’t accept it. Your letter is very touching, I hope they will have it and revise their decision.

Joe C.

Nowhere, This post is beautiful and heartfelt, I applaud your strength and compassion! I hope all involved can find some happiness on their individual journey.

Ed1937

Nowhere, your letter is both beautiful and sad. But there's one thing for sure. Your love shines through with every word. Wishing the best outcome for the situation. Have you considered giving it to a local radio or TV station? They might put it on the air.

Jeff86

Thank you for sharing this letter, Nowhere.  It brims with compassion and generosity of spirit.  I hope it works.  Regardless, you have my endless admiration.

feudman

Ed1937 wrote:

Nowhere, your letter is both beautiful and sad. But there's one thing for sure. Your love shines through with every word. Wishing the best outcome for the situation. Have you considered giving it to a local radio or TV station? They might put it on the air.

Comment: I agree Ed, except for the TV/radio coverage. Our group understands dementia better than the general public, whom I think would strongly object to this relationship, as the family does. But you can't betray a marriage you have no memory of. They ARE married to each other because they believe that. No foul. And it's not that uncommon.

I remember a gal coming here that was not so much devastated but furious when this happened. Very hurt and angry with her partner. She didnt stick around long enough for us to help her.

Nowhere, I congratulate you for only wanting happiness for your dear spouse, even though it is hard for you to grant. I dont think the family would meet with you because they dont want even to try to look at it differently. And what a shame for all lives affected.

I'm trying to remember the name of the movie that somewhat covered this situation...it was a sensitive Canadian film...anyone? The husband wasnt quite ready to commit his wife to LTC, but she was, & went ahead with it, then began spending all her time with a male fellow resident.

Edit: "Away From Her" 2006

Wyoaviator

I concur with feudman about radio/tv coverage. The people on this forum have a much deeper and more personal relationship with this disease than anyone on the outside could imagine.I doubt anyone who is not involved with this disease would understand.

If you think about the person you were before the disease hit you and the person you are now, you may not recognize how your viewpoints and attitudes have changed.

Nowhere, I am proud of you and happy to call you a cyber friend. I would hope that I would have the backbone and stomach to write this if necessary.  I only wish we had not had to meet under these circumstances..

Nowhere

I feel like public awareness would be a good thing about the challenges, complexities, and laws protecting even cognitively impaired individual’s basic human rights. However, I’m too stressed to lead the cause. 

Sadly, my letter will not be shared. The reason I was given because of concern it would violate HIPPA law and could inflame the situation. 

Additionally, the facility is concerned he’ll be agitated when she leaves and try to elope. They say they cannot take the risk of it happening again. I’ve been advised to begin looking for another facility. I’m not on board with that solution as for eight weeks between elopement and relationship he was successful. A behavioral specialist has been assigned to meet with him to see what strategies might work for staff to learn how to deal with him. I’ve been told we have until the end of the month.

So very concerned for him with double whammy of losing his friend and possibly his home.

Ed1937

I am sorry it has  come to this. It doesn't seem right, and I'm wondering if you don't have some rights that are being violated.

Beachfan

I, too, am so sorry to hear that your situation has deteriorated so drastically.  You seem to have spent so much time, effort, and energy selecting a facility that would meet your DH's unique needs and he seemed to have assimilated himself to his new dwelling place.  As Ed pointed out, some of your and/or DH's rights may have been violated.  That being said, I would question the ability of the management and staff of the facility to adequately meet the needs of ALL their residents and any unusual situations they may present.  (I recall that he was able to "escape" this facility some time ago by fleeing through a window.  Obviously, there is/was not enough supervision of patients as he was not discovered missing until the next morning.)  

For now, I would try, in good faith, to work with the management to resolve this issue to the satisfaction of both parties' families; but in the meantime,  I would be working overtime to research a facility where he would be safe and happy, and, for you, less stress inducing than this facility seems to be.  Good luck, stay strong.  Rest assured there are scores of "us" rooting for you and DH.  

Ed1937

You might want to read a post by King Boo on this thread https://www.alzconnected.org/discussion.aspx?tid=2147554101&g=posts&t=2147554093&page=-1  . It has some very good points on advocating for your LO.

ElaineD

Dear Nowhere, there is a movie, made in 2006 called Away from Her.

The last part of the movie, which deals with a man whose wife descends into dementia, and enters Memory Cafe. 

I think the movie treats the formation of affectionate relationships between residents in Memory Care with great sensitivity.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0491747/

You are an amazing and loving wife.

elained

ladyzetta

Dear Nowhere,

I am so sorry you are going thru this. My DH was also in a MC facility he was a very sweet and a gentle man. He was 90 years old. He loved all the attention he was getting from all the ladies being the caregivers and the lady residents. He was in a small facility he was 1 of 3 men in this facility. The other 2 men were able to come and go from their rooms to the TV room, My DH was placed in the TV room to watch TV and visit with all the ladies. He would sit on the couch and have a resident lady on each side and they were holding hands. When I would come in I would sit in one of the chairs and visit with the man who really had no idea I was his wife. It made me feel so warm and loving to know he was comfortable. They all wanted to sit by him during meals so they took turns. I felt good knowing this comfort they all shared. Nowhere please hang in there and hopefully you will find a way to keep them happy. Hugs Zetta